First it was Woodstock, now it's all about hip hop.

Um, Jim Morrison.

:> 36 entries left; if I keep updating more often, I might reach my milestone in December!

:> I proposed @alyankovic through my Twitter that is now named @princess_boris. He hasn't answered yet.

:> It's 8:05 here in Finland, the sun is getting up. It's a beautiful sight.

:> I'm in a productive mood.

:> _{I want Optimus Prime bedsheets so I can have dreams of humping him}

:> Awwwright, time for another cup of cocoa.

I remember that when I was in a psychoanalysis before I started first grade, and later when I was in the young adult ward in the Kellokoski mental hospital in winter 2006. I think it looks like a wolf's face lol.

First cityrocker, then jadarene and now i_am_electr0! Why do all of the dearest friends of mine leave the crazy awesomeness of ElGay?

I might as well break the silence that has been going on since 9th day, and write a proper update.

Weeks ago, probably some Thursday, after I got up from my bed in the morning I tottered around my apartment bare- footed, and got a splinter stuck in my left sole! It didn't hurt much, but I was afraid it would get infected so I went to the health centre to get it digged out. I had tried to take it out by one of my safety pins, but it hurt like blazing hell.

The health centre resides practically in my neighborhood, but I have visited it only a few times ever since I moved into Myyrmäki, and usually I had visited the social security office or the laboratory to give a blood test.
I had to wander around a lot, the whole place was like a Minotauros' labyrinth!
When I finally found the ward, I had to sit for an hour among "oink- oink disease" patients when my turn came.

This is how it went:

Meh: Um, I am not a swine flu patient, I have this splinter stuck in my foot.
Nurse: Oh? It sure is nice that not everyone else has the disease.
*I take my boot and sock off, wipe the fluff off my toes and turn my foot towards the lamp*
Nurse: *takes out a badass needle and starts poking my sole* Please hold your foot in place... yeah... just like that... OK...
Meh: Ouch

After:

Nurse: You took it like a man!
Meh: Um, this may be a stupid question but does it cost anything?
Nurse: No, health services are paid in taxes.
Meh: Oh, okay. Yeah, after all there are two things you can't avoid: taxes and death.

She put some disinfectant and a Band- Aid on it, and advised me to wipe the wound with disinfectant every day. Haven't dunnit, but I think it's okay.

If you don't count the splinter and the fact that Transformers porn doesn't give me a satisfactory girl boner anymore and that I have been living on hand- outs from my mumsie and routaneito, my life has been pretty smooth. Especially that I received my funds yesterday.

I have had very lucid dreams the past few nights, they have been very nice to have but they're too crazy to be written about.

Friday morning I had to get up early, at 7 o'clock. Even though I really have no reason to get up from the bed- I attend any school or go to work- I try to keep a proper daily rhythm so my alarm clock rings every morning at 8:00.
Anygay, I had no problem getting up from my bed and doing the morning routines. Before nine a.m. I was off to the rehab centre to meet my nurse with whom I had an appointment with.

It was still quite dark outside, not to mention it was raining. I thought, oh goody, it's raining, yibbi yibbi yay and whoop- de- fucking- d'oh. Luckily there is Janis Joplin and Bobby McGee.

In the rehab centre there was this woman I had not seen before. She was young, blond, tiny and frail woman who I thought was another rehabilitant, but she was a nurse student who attended our meeting with my nurse and me as a part of her education. Well, why not? I thought.

The meeting went very smoothly, actually better than I expected, without bitter tears. I was almost impressed by my superior oratory skillz.
When we booked the next appointment, Kirsi told me that the next week is booked so full that I could have an appointment with the nurse student, whose name was Suvi by the way. I agreed, it is nice to have some change every now and then.

When I left the rehab centre, it was still raining but it didn't bother me much. I walked back to the mall, took some money from my bank account (240 euros as "household money", for food and hygiene and all that, and 80 euros to buy clothes). I also reloaded my traveller's card, and it was changed into this newer design.

I took a train to Helsinki, as the bus would take longer to arrive.
In Helsinki there was still the water accident being repaired in the Rautatientori subway station, so I took a tram to Hakaniemi where my favourite UFF store is resided.

Once in the store, I experienced a disappointment; I didn't find any proper trousers! I had visited the shop a week ago to look for clothes before I buy them, but they weren't in sale anymore. But as I didn't want to leave the store empty- handed, I bought two Tyrolean skirts and one dress that is not proper for winter, but nice and pretty anyway.

I hung out in the city centre until I was feeling hungry, and took a bus back to Myyrmäki. I bought a crapload of groceries and once in my apartment, I tried to cook a student meal; noodles with tuna. It was crap- crappity- crap considering how cheap and common it was, lacking any nutrients and not to mention a bit unpleasant to my vision. I dumped it into the biological waste and ate some fruits instead.

Later the day I was feeling bored to the point of being totally numb, not to mention my shopping routine was not satisfactory. It was getting dark but I decided to hit the downtown again.

I was supposed to take the bus that leaves at 2:40 p.m., but I had a terrible need to pee, go to the library computer to check out something I won't tell ya and buy a pair of proper gloves from Citymarket now that my Aztec mittens were coming apart.

I got late from the bus that left 3:00 p.m. and made it to the bus that left 3:20 p.m., and by then I already had another terrible need to pee!

I got off at Mannerheimintie and visited another UFF store, from where I bought a pair of black corduroy pants and a lovely hairband which is originally meant for Christmas parties as it has a plush penguin with a Christmas cap and a glittery red neckscarf.

I took a tram to the city centre, visited the free bathroom in Kiasma and bought a carrier bag and a badge saying RUDE GIRL. By then I had done enough shopping, so I went back to Myyrmäki.

On Saturday I was going to visit Suvi, her father was away at their summer cottage in Tampere and I was going to stay overnight.

I bought a pair of leggings and some earrings, a huge bag of groceries and rented two movies, Ju- On: The Grudge and Clive Barker's The Plague.

In afternoon I took a bus to Helsinki and went to Suvi's workplace. After her shift was over, we went together to Stockmann to buy some groceries for her house and then we took a bus to where she lives. In the bus station, we were harassed by two Romanian beggars and in the bus we planned that we could live in the same apartment when we are both employed.
We had to walk a looooong way at her house, but luckily the stars guided us.

We watched Ju- On and Children of the Corn 5, went to the sauna and slept in the same bed.

Right now it's 7:36 a.m. here in Finland, and I'm a bit creeped out, wanna know why?

I will be 21 in a month, and I am still afraid of ghosts, monsters and all that. I don't actually believe in their existence, but when I'm alone and it's dark around me, I feel fear. I don't know why, I have stayed awake many nights and nothing bad has happened. I better talk about it with my nurse.

First woodland_hermit, now tartla. Who the hell are these random users who have added me to their flist?

Is there going to be third one? There is a saying in Finland that no two without third.

Well, I have a policy in adding people back... they must be friends offline, or other sites like DeviantArt.

Just a quick update to let you know that I'm still alive and I have not rejected my ElGay. I just haven't been motivated to write.

Anyway, according to my accounting I can't afford a single phuckin' Christmas card this year. I will be very short on money now that I have to pay off my loans and set up my own household. Sowwy.

I guess I'll write a proper update.

I hate it when I have dreams, but can't remember them after I have woken up.
My alarm clock started tinkling at eight a.m., I thought "Why does it ring this early?", then I realised that it was 8 a.m. sharp.

I bathed like never before, and wondered why do I have to brush my teeth in the mornings as I never have enough energy to brush them in the evenings, maybe due to the fact that nearly every single evening I feel so wretched that all I want to do is to get to bed soon.

Bummed out. That's the proper word desrcibing today. BUMMED OUT, say it after me.

Sometimes I hate my way of philosophical thinking, it drives me to the brink of insanity. Like this morning; when I was cooking breakfast- or more like, brewing oatmeal in the microwave oven- I started thinking; why do I live? What do I live for? WHO do I live for?
I will be 21 next month, and I have never succeeded in anything; I haven't finished my high school, I am unemployed and lacking a manwhore soulmate. Well, ever since I was fucked at the ripe, tender age of eight, I have never, ever wanted to touch a dick anymore.

I was feeling so fucked up I gave Linda (my nurse in Franca) a phonecall, but it didn't make me feel any better.

I decided to go to Helsinki to chill around, even though I have lost interest in just plainly chilling around.

I decided to take a train, even though I have lost interest in travelling by train ever since last Friday; I picked a coach to sit in, but there was an old drunk grumbling to himself, and basically every second of his phrases were "Go fuck yourself you fucking cows". I got up and went to another coach, and there was a young Somali man hitting on a middle- aged Finnish woman. I changed into another coach, and decided to travel on buses from now on.

In Helsinki, the art museums were closed and the weather was pretty much like in Vantaa, icy and foggy.

I just walked around, visited a few bookshops and tried to make up my mind about what I want as a Christmas present. I will be very short on money this year, so I better swallow my pride and ask my social worker to give me some money to buy presents.

I hate my life. By now when I'm writing this, I can feel tears prickling my eyelids.

I want to think that things will get better. After all, the age of twenty is pretty much harder than between the ages of 12 and 18. This is another sort- of puberty I have to go through, to grow as a person, to grow up into a strong and mature woman. And maybe then, if I do what I have to, be courageous and hard- working, I will finally be happy and content.

But let's get back to this day. Once at the bus station, I decided to call Linda again and ask if I can come over to talk about my problems. We agreed to meet at two p.m., so I had enough time to visit the grocery shop.

I shouldn't have gone there. It only made me feel worse, and I also learned that when I tell someone about my problems, it's equal to "moaning".

I wish to write more, but right now I am so fucked up I'd rather hit the update button and drown my sorrow.

Is someone willing to donate me sexy bishie syndrome boys to delight me as wallpapers?

Like this:

Nowadays I find my life quite hard. I have to earn decent grades in the night school, keep my apartment clean, keep myself in a fit shape and cook nutritious meals everyday. Well, I find the night school not challenging enough; I mean, I get to go there just twice a week, one hour and a half every evening. I wish I didn't drop out of Vaskiuori high school during my junior year..
And also, believe me or not, I haven't cleaned up my apartment in two months, keeping myself in a fit shape is like pushing a huge boulder up a hill, and I don't know how to cook.

Whine whine whine.

This morning I got up pretty early, while yesterday I had slept till quarter past two post meridiem. I did the morning routines as usual, watched the G1 Transformers episode A Decepticon Raider in King Arthur's Court on YouTube and laughed myself silly at Rumble being pwned by bird crap. And I think Nimue is a goddamn ho.

When I picked the clothes to wear today, I decided that the next time I receive money I WILL buy myself new clothes. I have only three pairs of decent trousers, and a few of my blouses are thick enough to be worn during winter.

After I was done, I flopped onto my bed and snoozed off until afternoon, and I didn't feel guilty for wasting another day in sleeping.
Mumsie called me and asked if I am going to visit them today to celebrate the Father's day, I mumbled something like I am busy (I accidentally wrote busty) right now and I will visit them later. Then I went back to bed.

About at two p.m. I finally got up, I had to pee so much that my bladder was hurting. I decided that now that I am finally on my two feet, I should as well go to see my parents. But not without buying chocolate first.

I went to R- Kioski and bought a 1/4 kg Fazer bar. I was thinking of getting my daily exercise by walking to Martinlaakso, but I decided to get a bus there.

When I arrived, my br'er had gone back to Tampere and papa was about to go to the gym. I hugged him, wished him a happy father's day, and when he was gone me and mumsie started feasting on the strawberry cheesecake they had bought for today. And oh, as a present papa got the usual boxers with Wagner- sika, a very famous Finnish cartoon character. My papa always gets cartoon- themed boxers for birthday and others.

Me and mumsie talked about my childhood, the days when I was down with the leucemia. I didn't dare to ask how she felt when she was told that my diagnosis was leucemia, I was afraid that the memory would make her cry. I hate it when she cries, it makes my heart hurt.

I left quite soon as I was getting bored; I had left in a hurry so I didn't pick up a book or my diary to have something to do while visiting my folks. I made a mental note of paying it more attention later.

Before I left, me and mumsie hugged passionately and her eyeglasses accidentally clanked against the corner of my right eye. But we just laughed at it.

I decided to walk back to Myyrmäki, as the last bus had gone in two minutes and the next one would arrive in twenty minutes.

It was very dark, but it didn't bother me, I was in a very cheerful mood. Not to mention that I have gotten used to the Northern darkness, now that I am a grown woman and I have to do a lot of business in the evenings; visit shops before they're closed for the day, go to night school... I remember when I was in the hospital before Christmas 2006, I went to the movies right after I was admitted for a weekend off and I was so afraid of potential rapists I had to ask my father to pick me up from Tennispalatsi. And when I went to my first classes of night school in winter 2008, I was so creeped out by the darkness that in my mouth I tasted bitter poison and my gut clenched when I walked.

Once in my apartment, I cleaned it up thoroughly. I tried to do my geometry homework, but as always, right after I looked at the equations I felt like blood was draining out of my face. Too bad.

I really wish for one thing; that I could STUDY instead of just whining and angsting. Then I could finally finish high school, apply to the vocational schools in the metropolitan area and get a decent job.

I can always dream.

Friday was kind of a regular day.

Before I woke up, I had dreams that included the typical themes; I was riding my bicycle, having the time of my life, without any care in this world, feeling wild as the wind and free as a bird. Then I once again got lost, and found the burial site of my mother's family in a meadow. I have seen several dreams about it.
And in another dream, I was mocked by three pre- teens. I think it reverts back to my days in the junior high, how I was constantly intimitated by the others.
They still come to my dreams, my old fiends; the youngest of them have wide grins with saliva dripping from their pointy teeth, the oldest of them smile sweetly and chastely but their lips are shining with blood.

I woke up to my alarm clock ringing, or actually making a sweet chiming noise. I like my new cellphone as I can choose my alarm tone, and I chose a sound that reminds me of water tinkling in meadows.

Nothing much to say about my morning, except when I sat down to eat chocolate and read The Golden Compass, I felt kind of unhappy. How's so?
I thought of my friend Lauski who has to get up every morning at 4:40 because she has a very strict timetable due to her studies; and how about the Romanian beggars who have to beg for their allowance? Pray in a filthy street with only the wind and the rain as their company, under the grim faces of people who can afford food and a place to stay in? And there I was, sitting on my cozy bed, reading a nice book and stuffing my face with chocolate. Is it right?
But then again, if I start living without comforts and all that, how is it supposed to help the people in need? I must be sensible.

I started to feel a bit lazy, so I exercised a little and then I went down the hill to buy toilet paper and a pair of bootlaces; I must always have a pair of them in my reach.

Later the day I decided to take a bus to Helsinki, and use my Kiasman Ystävät card to visit the modern art museum for free. And so I did.

It was raining sleet, but there was still some snow on earth. Usually in the Southern Finland the first snow falls in November, but the permanent snow comes after Christmas, especially because of the global warming...

In Helsinki I went straight to the museum, visited the bathroom, and when I left my cold- weather clothes to the cloakroom I was told that I can't take my shoulder bag to the museum as it is "too big". Oh well, I left the bag and took my digital camera and the entrance card.

There were three exhibitions; Oikeilla jäljillä... (approximately Following the tracks...) that was basically a collection of various works, Ars Fennica 09 that included a few works by the nominees for this year's Ars Fennica; my favourite was Jyrki Riekki, I'm going to vote for him the next time I visit the show. And the third one was a show of video installations by an Estonian woman, Pipilotti Rist.

After I left the museum, I was thinking of strolling around in the shops a little now that I was in Helsinki for a long time. But then I started thinking that I would probably feel bitter for seeing all the awesome stuff I can never afford.
I returned to Myyrmäki by a bus, bought some groceries and two new diaries and visited the library.

I have been thinking of starting to listen to more bands, mostly classical rock like the Rolling Stones, Queen and KISS. I better ask my father to help me out, he is a big fan of 60's and 70's rock.

Allright, I promised I would write this.

My name is Miia and I need to realise that no one leads a perfect life. I should stop expecting my life to be 24/7 happy.

I should stop expecting myself to succeed in everything, and just do what I have to.


...


I wish I was beautiful enough to get laid.

(When I was done writing this, I almost flipped when I realised how retarded my writing was. I rewrote the entry, and now I'm a bit more satisfied.)

Yesterday evening I was feeling so shitty I went straight to bed, without washing the grime of the day from my face, brushing my teeth nor even finishing my diary writing. I know bad days happen every once in a while to everybody, but everytime it happens I'm always annoyed.

It was wretched to wake up to my alarm clock tinkling, while I was having lucid dreams. But I had no problem getting up from my bed and prettying myself up.
I didn't bother cooking a decent breakfast, I ate the chocolate left from yesterday; confections and the Fazer bar. At least I wasn't feeling floppy nor my blood sugar didn't get dangerously low.

I checked my bank account; my housing benefit had arrived, but not the money I had reclaimed. I decided to bother it later and instead went out for some business.

I bought some XZ shampoo that was originally meant for men's hair. I had once bought it because I had read from the ads that it strenghtens your hair and is perfect for Northern European hair.
I realised too late it was really meant for the male, but when I started using it I realised my hair became very strong!
I also bought a pencil sharpener with a container; I already have one simple sharpener with a small bowl for the shavings, but I hate when I write by the kitchen table and have to walk to the writing desk beside my bed to sharpen my pencil. I solved it by buying a new sharpener, la la la.
I also reloaded my traveller's card, after ten days of cabin fever because my traveller's card was expired and I couldn't travel anywhere. When I got a hold of the receipt, I felt a strange sense of autonomy; now I can travel all around the metropolitan area!

Later when I was sitting comfily in front of my computer, I decided to give the VAV office a call and ask them why.
I learned that the fax I sent them had never arrived, even though if I remember correctly I had sent the fax to the same number in their homepage. I asked whether I can give my account number or send it by e- mail, but I was told that due to data security I should visit the office to fill out a form in order to receive the money.
Well shit, why not? I immediately checked out the timetables for the next bus to Tikkurila, and later I was sitting in the bus on my way to do some bzns.

I got off at the Tikkurila bus station, and completely out of instinct I went to the VAV office which I had visited only twice in my life.
And lo, I found it. I filled out one form, visited the latrine and then I was off. I expect money tomorrow.

I decided to take a train to Helsinki now that I finally had my traveller's card loaded.
In Helsinki I didn't just bounce around like I usually do. First I visited Kiasma, I had been told I can reclaim my membership card from the info spot and pay it later, so that's what I did. Now I have free entrance to the awesomeness of contemporary art approximately for a year. Flail

What else? Visited Ruohonjuuri to buy pantyliners. Biodegradable ones. By then it was already 1 p.m., I was fagged and shagged and dashed and my stomach was roaring for food.

I have noticed that the Romanian beggars have become more and more annoying; when I passed a tram stop, a young Romanian hussy shook a McDonald's paper cup full of coins under a lady's nose, she shook her head no but the Gypsy kept on simpering about how she needs money to buy diapers for her baby. WELL DON'T START BREEDING IF YOU CAN'T AFFORD A GODDAMN BABY! THAT'S WHAT COATHANGERS ARE FOR! If I ruled this goddamn country, I would recreate Auschwitz for Romanian beggars, and maybe for those who are living on welfare just because they're too lazy to get a job. I have a pestering feeling that CIA will come a- knocking...

I didn't do anything too special today, and soon it was time to head to the night school. Just when I was tying my bootlaces, the lace snapped in two!
Luckily I had two bootlaces in my drawer, it took me nearly half of an hour before I was off to school.

When I arrived to school, I had to spend a moment looking for the principal. After I found him, I had to spend about a quarter of an hour talking to him.
I told him about how much I stress with studying; my ideal is to earn as good grades as I can, not necessarily straight A's. But during the time I have studied in night school, every single fucking one of the classes I have been taking, I have dropped out.
He told me that if I finish the biology course, I have finished every course I need to get the diploma. And if I get accepted to the vocational school next spring and start studying in autumn, I can still have classes in the night school.

I felt a little lighter when I headed to the classroom, but during the maths lesson I was a bit out of my head.

Right after the lesson was done, I headed to my apartment and started the laundry.
I'll write another entry right after this, it will be written with bitter tears so beware.

I read some of the entries from the past week and was a bit bewildered why I didn't tell you about the following incident...

Last Wednesday when I was taking a walk and enjoying myself, I received a phonecall from VAV, the organization that is responsible of renting council apartments in Vantaa, and renting me the room in the youth hostel.
I was told that in August that was the last month I lived in Casa Franca, I had paid too much rent. Or actually, I wasn't supposed to pay the rent that month. Or more actually, I had accidentally paid September's rent. I learned that I had the right to reclaim the money I had paid them, the approximate amount of 335 euros 16 cents.
I was advised to either visit their office in Tikkurila, or fax my account number and some other useful information to their office, so they could pay me back. I decided to call to Franca and ask whether I could use their fax; my traveller's card had expired so I couldn't visit the office.
I called Linda, explained the incident and asked whether I could use their fax, and she agreed.
While walking to Myyrmäki, I suddenly felt a bit worried; my social worker had agreed to pay November's rent, as it was declared I can't afford it. But now that I will receive extra money, do I have to pay the rent by myself? I wish I wouldn't because I wanted to have some spending money even for once in my life.
In Franca I wrote a proper fax, included the information about the incident, my account number and my signature. Then I sent an e- mail to my social worker Annukka, to ask her whether I should pay the rent by myself. Now I regret ratting out about it, as I was told HAVE to pay it.
Geez! I know I am supposed to pay my rents by myself, but am I asking for too much if I want a little extra money?

Well anyway, today was a bit better than yesterday, except for having horrible nightmares... except the dream where I had 100 euros extra money and spent it on earrings bought from Cybershop. It was kind of nice, actually, and in another dream I rode a magical bird that always came to me when I whistled for it, the bird never suffered an injure and when I gazed into its lovely golden eyes, I knew I had found a true friend.

I had no problem getting up from the bed, I had no problem doing the morning routines to the point I was a bit befuddled, because I felt absolutely GOOD. I didn't feel depressed, nor anxious, nor frustrated. I was a bit worried.

Like every Tuesday, I was going to the gym with the other Francanians. When I arrived to Casa, I met Emmi at the staircase. She was as pretty as always, and she whispered to me that Elise was taken to Peijas, a psychiatric hospital I was also treated in a few times. I asked Emmi why, she told me that Elise "had flipped". Ho hum.

I left my Dosett to the office, and we went to the gym.
I had a good time there, except when I was sitting in the exercise machine named Leg Curl and was pumping my feet up and down so hard the dumbbells went clank, clank, clank, kind of the same noise Transformers make while having buttsecks... the man sitting next to me grinned and asked "Are they too light?"
Now that I think about it, I have a feeling he wanted to put me down because of my disability to pump as much iron as he could. I was too shocked from such an assault I didn't tell him to fuck off.
Geez, one thing I really hate in myself is that I never stand up for myself. I always think that the next time I will shut THEM up for once and for all, but I never succeed.

After the gym I went to Franca, dealt my medicines into my Dosett and then I checked my online bank account on a computer in the office, mainly because Noora wanted to see my bank account.
The money I was promised to reclaim had not arrived yet. I had been told it would take a few working days to arrive, and, let's see... it had taken them five days and the money had not arrived. Luckily I will receive my housing benefit tomorrow, and I will have some money for food and paying the bills.
I hope this problem with rent will be sorted out soon, and I will once again be financially autonomous. I hate being flat broke, and most of all, I hate living on welfare even though I am not even 30 fucking years old!

I went grocery shopping to Citymarket, and bought soya- protein meatballs, the daily amount of chocolate and some extra, cold- smoked salmon, tomatoes and carrots.
Speaking of food, ever since my potato mash was an epic fail I have lost my motivation in cooking proper meals, except brewing oatmeal in the microwave oven. It's just that I hate burning my fingers and the smell of something being cooked in a saucepan, and besides I never have enough money to buy the ingredients for proper meals like macaroni casserole, salmon soup or anything like that!
I only eat a proper breakfast, a few snacks during daytime until evening. Luckily the chocolate bar I eat during midday spoils my appetite, so I usually won't get hungry.

Today I also had an appointment with my nurse, at 1 p.m. The meeting was quite nice unlike the past couple of times when I kept on wangsting to the point of tears; today I was in a quite good mood, and my nurse Kirsi noticed that.

I was in such a cheerful mood I visited the library and lended a bunch of books, and I was more happier when I noticed a small exhibition of photos picturing cats! Guh how I love them.

Later the day I did nothing special, just stuffed my face with chocolate and was frustrated to the point of being steaming mad due to all of my problems. Soon I'm off to bed to wait for a new day.

Hm. I should have updated days ago, I just haven't found any motivation. But here goes.

On Hallowe'en my apartment was packed full of my friends and two half- Romani girls I didn't know. We ate and drank everything we could find from my apartment and generally had fun, but the Romani girls who were Lauski's friends basically sat on my bed, staring into the glass wall dividing my sleeping corner and the living room.
Now that I think about it, the small get- together was pretty OK.

In the evening when everyone else had left for Piukku's Hallowe'en party, I was so jazzed up to the party mood I decided to watch A Clockwork Orange. I had seen that movie during my freshman year in high school, I was so horrified I couldn't see the artistic impressions. But now that I watched it, I absolutely loved it! It is hilarious, something completely different. It is a strong story about a futuristic society, the choice between good and evil we all have to make, and growing up from a boy to a man. Yep.
I was so super happiiiii I decided to watch Ju- On: The Grudge, even though I have seen it a few times and both times I have had terrible creeps of horror for a couple of weeks. But who cares? It is still an awesome movie. Or should I say, it could have been awesome if the disk I had lended from the library wouldn't have been so scratched I couldn't watch it. Nah, I turned off my laptop and went to sleep.

On Sunday the shops were open, as the Christmas season has begun. I was enjoying my sleep, when my mumsie called and asked that we could go to Anttila and look for lamps for my apartment (ever since I moved here I had to use the lamp above the stove, the one in the hallway and my bedside table lamp). She said we could meet in the mall at midday.
I looked at the clock; I had about 45 minutes to get ready, make myself presentable and go meet my mother, and I wanted to SLEEP. It was a lousy thing to do, but I didn't have any choice.
I brushed my teeth, took a shower and dressed into proper clothes. I didn't have any time to cook breakfast, but I had eaten all the cinnamon rolls and chocolate left from the Halloween party, so I guessed that my blood sugar wasn't going to be dangerously low quite soon.

So, I met my mumsie in the mall in front of the bookshop. We waltzed to the furniture deparment of Anttila, dripping with glamour, picked up two affordable lamps and lightbulbs, went to my apartment and put them onto their right places. We were quite satisfied with the result.

After the task we sat beside my kitchen table, eating the cheese puffs left from the party, and mumsie suggested we could walk to their place so I can pay my every- Sunday- visit to my parents. I agreed.

The day was pleasantly autumnal; even though all the trees had shed their leaves, there were still a few plashes of colour here and there. The temperature was nippy. We were delighted when we saw a PURPLE maple leaf on the ground!

My dad had gone to the gym, I did the things I do when visiting my parents; looked at the family photos and ate all their cheese, soon I left and went to the grocery shop to buy bread, salmon and chocolate.

I had promised Sanna I could visit Franca today, to talk about the things that bother me. It was getting dark, and when I arrived the downstairs smelled funny. It was because they had burned a pot while cooking.

I told Sanna that I want to get a job already. Who cares if I haven't finished high school and I should probably go to the vocational school before I start looking for a job.
I also told her that I have problems relating to my mom; she is the most important person in my life, but I always find it difficult to talk to her about my problems. I am afraid she is disappointed with me, or worse, gets mad at me! For some reason she still has great authority over me, even though she is really sweet and caring and not at all dominant, all around a regular mom.
Sanna was understanding; she suggested I could ask my mom to visit Franca some evening for a little therapy, me, my mom and a nurse talking this clear.
Later the evening when I called my mom and told her about the small intimate therapy and asked what does she feel about it, she almost chirped that yes, it is okay.

Today was all around horrible.
I had slept well after having a proper wash and eating a nutritious supper, and in the morning I got up before my alarm clock rang, feeling hale and hearty. After taking my meds and checking my e- mails, I started to feel drowsy and went back to bed. I slept for two hours, then for another two hours, and finally got up.
I didn't feel any motivation towards cleaning myself up, instead I made my bed, dressed up and took a looooooooong nap under my cuddle blanket.

I woke up hours later to a splitting headache, and I thought that No, I can't go on this way. I got up, ate a few tangerines and went to the mall to buy chocolate.
Later the day I decided I wouldn't go to the evening school today, 'tis a solid fact I can't sleep the whole day and go to school after that. I made it up by taking out the piles of garbage in my apartment and washing the dishes, and washing my hair that was horribly greasy and hard to tame into a decent hairdo.
Nevertheless, the evening was quite pleasant now that I had gotten a grasp of myself. I am still fearful about tomorrow, I have to go to the gym and god damn my soul to hell if I decide to sleep all day once again RAEG

I think I was so sleepy today because my sleeping pattern was screwed up after the Halloween par- tayh. Well, a couple of days and I will be okay.

Ever since I moved away from the youth hostel, my life has been pretty crap- crappity- crap but that's nothing new to me.

Yesterday went by when I slept; in the morning I got up at eight a.m., took my meds, checked my e- mails, went back to bed and slept till two p.m. I got up again, had a wash and dressed up, took my cuddle blanket and went back to bed.
I don't know how long I slept, but a hazard guess is about three hours. I got up and went to the mall to buy chocolate, and in the evening I visited Joonas who lives in the fourth floor with his cat, Miisa. She is grey and black striped with some white, cute and cuddly and doesn't like being held.

Today was a bit better, in a way. I didn't sleep the whole day. I got up early and started doing the morning routines, beginning with taking my medication and checking my e- mails.
I got the strangest feeling; I didn't feel any anxiety at all! How weird, usually in the mornings I am pestered by THE voices trying to put me down. It is always the worst when I brush my teeth, and I don't even know why.
Disregard that, later I started hearing noises and THE voices, and my mood got worse.

While I was brewing some oatmeal for breakfast, I started thinking; why do I live? I am almost 21 years old and I haven't succeeded in anything. I'm still in high school, while my brother was accepted to a high- class university on the first try. My best friend has a credit card, and I have to buy my groceries with food stamps.
Jealousy is not pretty, neither am I.
Suddenly I realised; I am not meant to be alive. I should be dead. But why am I alive?
I spent the morning thinking on the aforementioned question. I have attempted suicide two times, and my survival was a matter of other people preventing me. On the first try I drugged myself with alcohol and painkillers and tried to hang myself, but I had called the emergency line to fetch my body when I'm dead. They arrived in time, and I was hospitalized. On the second time I tried to get crushed by a train, but another train picked me up and the conductor called the police, and I was hospitalized yet again.
Maybe I AM dead. Maybe I died of leucemia when I was two, even though I was declared healthy at the age of four. Maybe my soul is still living on, in the verge between the reality and the afterworld. It might be right, I feel so empty and bleak on the inside I might as well be dead.

After finishing my breakfast- I was thinking of buying some honey to spice up my oatmeal- I grabbed my cuddle blanket, bundled up into my bed and snoozed off for god knows how many hours.
After I woke up, I was thinking that maybe I should go shopping for groceries before the shops are closed for Samhain. So I got up, put on my cold- weather clothes and walked down the Kilteri hill to the nearest mall.

There was some happening for kids in the mall, they were passing out free samples of vitamin pills, microwaveable chocolate cake and there were some spots where you could sing songs or draw pictures. The Somali children in their glittery maghnaes were like sharks among white- skinned guppies, grabbing all the free samples and stomping them across the floor.

I went to the grocery store and bought the daily amount of chocolate, some Irish Cream flavoured After Eights, a couple of packages of cold- smoked salmon, potatoes and something else I can't remember.

I returned to my apartment, and while walking up the Kilteri hill I noticed that the birch trees growing alongside the railroads had lost their leaves. Winter was approaching.

In my apartment my mood lightened up a little; I stuffed my face with chocolate, tried to find some HAPPY music from my record collection, looked into the mirror and noticed that I look kind of... adorable. Maybe it was because it was quite late evening and the curse my evil stepmother put on my face was coming apart, but nevertheless I still wish I would look decent enough to get laid. Sometimes I think I may be sexually frustrated, or then I'm just a regular fangirl who gets her jollies from kawaii desu YAOI *^________^*

Anygays, I started fixing myself a sandwich and noticed that I was out of butter. Dang, I couldn't do anything else than put on my boots and go to the mall to buy some.
It was getting dark and I was getting in a sort of a rebellious, fiery mood I always get when I'm out late, even if it's just because I have to buy butter.
In the mall the happening was over, and Citymarket was full of customers! Well that's quite understandable as the shops would be closed in a couple of hours and tomorrow would be Samhain, but why can't people go grocery shopping BEFORE the final fraggin' change?

I bought a packet of butter, vinegar flavoured crisps and some dishes, a bowl and a mug. I was on the roll, so I visited a book shop and bought a new diary.

I must say, even though I have not succeeded in anything in my life, I must say that as long as I have chocolate and music, things are pretty okay.

Last night I stayed up until half past midnight and ate two and a half bars of chocolate. I have a tad bit of a feeling I am addicted to chocolate, but to be totally honest I don't mind it, especially now that Fazer whole- nut is eight cents cheaper since the GST of groceries was lowered here in Finland.

By midnight I looked into the mirror, and noticed I was getting prettier now that my hair was loose from my ponytail, but didn't look like a mullet.

Probably the climax of today was when my parents took me to the Sotka store in Petikko, to look for a table for my "dining room", and preferably some chairs to accompany it. While in the car we chatted happily, or actually it was me who chatted for my parents.

In Sotka, almost immediately we spotted a Serrano chestnut- coloured table with round corners and four elegant chairs with suede leather paddings. It cost 199,00 euros, not a bad price. It was a deal, and we went to the back alley to load the package into my father's car. By then some problemos occured, my dad had to haul it into the backseat and I had to sit on the package, with my head hitting the ceiling of the car. At first I felt quite awkward, but then I remembered that not every dudette gets to travel in surroundings like this!

We dropped my mom at their home street, I went to sit on the front seat and we drove to Kilterinrinne.
Me and dad managed to assemble the table and the four chairs without cursing, sweating nor shedding bitter tears. I even managed to crack jokes and laugh heartily while collecting the chairs! I felt like I am not your regular Sally Sixpack, I can actually collect a decent dining room chair without smashing it into pieces, and whining: "This sucks! I never succeed at anything! I hate myself!" nor being all: "Oopsie, I bwoke it, hohohohohohoo!". Yes yes, I know I should't talk like that about my friends but sometimes it just gets to me.
After a few moments, the assemble was starting to look like something and my apartment was starting to look like someone inhabits it. I put the Christmas tablecloth I hold so dear and a bowl of satsumas on the table, and what do you know? It was pretty sweet. After my dad left, I was so joyful about the table I decided to put my laptop on it, mainly to see whether the reception works better. I had to wait about five minutes for my DeviantArt page to load, after that there was a sign "The page is not responding". Oh what's the use?

Nevertheless the new table motivated me to cook a lunch; spaghetti with grated cheese and tomato sauce and soya protein dumplings, deelisshus. After that I wrote my diary on the table, checked the time and thought that I better do down to the grocery shop.

I needed to buy a bag of tangerines, but as I had no money and one food stamp left, I had to use it. I loaded my bag with a carrot cake, smoked salmon and a vanilla- flavoured Frezza Mocha, and that's it.

Once back in my aparment, I enjoyed my early evening with carrot cake and vanilla- flavoured iced coffee. It was so goddamn delicious that it completely discarded my thoughts of how am I going to manage until my next payday now that I used the last food stamp I had? Well, it's not my fault since food stamps are not created for sensible households; I mean, when I went to buy a bag of tangerines that cost me 4,73 euros, I had to use the whole effin' stamp that provides shopping for 20 euros. Yuh yuh yuh yuh.

Sorry folks, no presents this year. I'm financially unstable right now after I ran out of food stamps, not to mention that I have already fucked up my rent and I need lots of stuff myself. I love my friends but I need money. I'll make it up with cards.

Blue Öyster Cult, Motörhead, Mötley Crüe. What's the similarity between them? They're heavy rock bands with a Scandinavian letter in them.

Things I must buy next month; a new apron, I must wear one when I do the dishes. A membership card to Tennispalatsi Art Museum, it costs 20 euros and it gives me the permission to get free entrance to the museum for a whole year. A mathroska- scarf from a shop near Suvi's workplace, it will keep my head warm during the cold winter months. A woollen cap is out of question as they look quite foolish on me, not to mention they give me a bad hair day. And oh, I also need a bathroom rug, preferably the one I spotted in Kitsch; colourful with two flamingos.

I have never given up picking my nose. I'm doing it right now but I better stop it as I can't type with one hand and my keyboard is sticky with boogers.

I have realised that my favourite animals are offbeat and silly; baboons, penguins, kangaroos, platypuses...

I miss angelstgabriel, even though I have never met her. Go me.

I just realised why mckaarle has not answered my notes on DA; he is not angry at me or does not think my art is made of sucky, his DA account is just being a bitch with a dildo stuck up her ass. Sorry.

Jesus Jiminy Christ, what sort of maniac am I?

Fuck me what kind of dreams I had.

I was in a shop named Seppälä, it's a Finnish clothing shop that sells mainly cosmetics and girls' clothes. I was wearing only my nightshirt, and I was looking for clothes before someone would notice. I ran into two preppy girls, who showed mock- fright when they saw me. They started making fun of me, I was infuriated so I cut the other girl's (the blonde) cheek with a cheap plastic ring. It left a deep groove that bled a little; I was thrown out of the shop and accused for shoplifting.

In another dream, I was in Helsinki, and tried to get home by a bus. When the busdriver saw the tons of pins attached to my shoulder bag, he grinned and asked me "Well my little girl, are you passing out free buttons?" I don't remember what I answered, but I got out of the bus a little intimidated and was immediately confronted by someone who was trying to make me join Amnesty.

You can say I was relieved when I woke up. But when I turned on my cellphone to see that it was 4:12 in the morning, I was not amused.
I went back to bed. After rolling in my bedsheets for about 45 minutes, I slept for three hours and got up after seven, and it was still dark.

Anyway, I got up and did the morning routines as usual. There was still warm water, and I was in a surprisingly good mood, disregard the fact I was a bit grumpy for skipping my evening routines- eating a proper supper, brushing my teeth and washing my face- for about three days.
And I didn't feel happier when I thought how lazy and antisocial and uncreative I am. Yes, I could have mentally lashed myself for many negative qualities, but instead I went for a walk. It was 10 a.m. by then.

I was still in a surprisingly good mood, I think I was radiating cheerfullness enough to make the sun jealous, had it shined today. It was raining slightly, but it only felt refreshing. I felt almost frisky. I snapped some photos of the trees in their autumnal colours, but the pictures always ended up not the best.
I started thinking, am I doing the right thing by trying to capture natural miracles? Why can't I enjoy the sights of the beautiful and awesome nature in my memory, rewind the images on the little screen in the back of my brain? Why must I own everything I see?

I didn't let it bother me, instead I walked down to the park. I was still cheerful, but feeling mildly unhappy for not having a friend beside me. I thought of Elise, Suvi and Mirva, and felt some sort of melancholy that was both delicious and proper for the surrounding sights; grey concrete with speckles of natural gorgeousness.
Then I remembered that the councellors of Casa Franca were off today; at some expo about well- being while working. I decided to give Elise a call and ask whether I can visit them. I knew that ex- Francanians are not allowed to visit the communes, as one of them once created havoc by telling underbelly jokes and screeching with laugh into our faces- I witnessed it- but I wasn't as dumb as her.

Elise was super happy when she heard my voice. When I asked her about coming over, she agreed, then mumbled something negative, then agreed.

I had walked all the way to Martinlaakso, I had to turn back.

Suvi once said that Apajakuja reminds her of the suburban ares of the Soviet Union in the seventies; lots of garbage and abandoned shopping carts lying around, offensive tags and distasteful graffitis, and the apartments are filthy and in a poor condition, the electricity and plumbing are both fucked up. I really don't see why a hostel for mentally challenged young adults from Western Vantaa was founded here, in the midst of unemployed Somali thugs, twisted- minded Gypsies and most of all, the Hänninen couple. Mrs. Hänninen is about as glamorous as a pitbull dog, suffers from untreated ADD and is always telling the Francanians how she loves us and how young and frail we are. Mr. Hänninen was unemployed due to the fact he was handicapped and he had to use a wheelchair, nevertheless he addressed himself as manager Hänninen and always said hello to us in a sleazy, drawling sound that was more like a cow mooing. He died in the beginning of this year, according to his wife's garbling he choked on a steak. Good riddance!

Once in the staircase, I had a sweet sense of nostalgy when I saw the "im gay" tags in the elevator doors, the burned notes on the billboard (Beloved neighbors! Who's the one disturbing our nightly dreaming with noise and clamor?) and the general smell of the scum of society dumped into the same pile. But in Franca, everyday was the first of May.

When I rang the doorbell, Emmi (the one who now lives in my room) opened the door while talking to her cellphone. She is very pretty, mid- height and skinny with spiky bubblegum- pink hair, pine green almond eyes and sensuous lips. Not to mention she succeeds in wearing excessive black eyeliner, the classical red and white- dotted Marimekko blouse with yellow tartan pants. If I wear eyeliner, I look like a $0,99 hillbilly whore and I once tried wearing my Marimekko blouse with the yellow tartan pants that were once my pride and joy, and I looked like someone who can't afford proper clothes and has to wear anything that's clean at the moment. I love her as a friend, but I always feel a strange sense of bitter jealousy when she's around.

Mind, we had fun. The boys were warming pizzas in the oven, I drank cocoa and juice and the other girls had coffee. We basically bounced around, danced until we were dizzy, hugged each other and told inside jokes.
Then we settled down to watch a movie. Emmi showed her collection of Studio Ghibli movies, I picked Kiki's Delivery Service. It's about a year older than me, but it was dubbed in Finnish in 2007 and showed in Finnish theatres. I remember, I was stil in the hospital, in the dreaded rehab ward when I went to see it. I got a longer weekend off from the ward due to Easter, I almost got late from the bus to Helsinki. After I was off from the hospital, I went to Tennispalatsi to see it. It cheered me up a lot after another unhappy ward in the midst of the painfully long days, Creepy Moments and the shamelessly bitchy nurses, and I felt the usual feeling I get on holidays; I was getting the away- from- hospital- feeling which was soon becoming a home- again- feeling. But then it came Monday, I returned to the hospital and cried my eyes out because I missed my family so much.

But that period is over now, and me and Emmi sat down to watch the movie. Emmi advised me to choose Japanese dubbing with Finnish subtitles, and I liked the idea; after all, the Finnish dubbings in Studio Ghibli movies sound so fake and should I say, psychotic.

While watching the movie, we talked about everything in our minds. I loved the movie because it's so warm, humane and natural, like all of the cartoons by Hayao Miyazaki.

Soon Elise left, she had to see a friend. Soon Emmi left, she had to visit Korso, her hometown to pick up some of her stuff. I watched the movie to the end and was a bit discontent now that I had no one to talk to. After the movie ended, I had put my hair on a braid instead of a ponytail, applied thick black lines under both of my eyes and tended my nails. I was pretty satisfied with how I looked.

I left Franca, and the feeling of the nice movie was still lingering inside me. I went to the mall and bought some ingredients for making pancakes, and some proper pencils for writing.

When walking up the Kilteri hill, I noticed my personality change; I no longer was considerate, cheerful, humble and friendly, I was turning into Cindy Mallows who has rude, foul- mouthed, grumpy and generally worn out by life's overwhelming bleakness.

Once home, I started preparing lunch; couscous with soy sauce and soya- protein dumplings. It was cheap and quick and tasted good enough, but I wished I had enough funds and talent to cook salmon soup, macaroni casserole or others of my favourite foods. Ever since my potato mash turned out to be an utter fail I have not had any motivation in cooking anything more special than oatmeal.

I washed off the eyeliner, went to the mall to buy milk, planned the Halloween party, called Suvi to tell her I will pay her the 50 euros I owe her next month, and we chatted about general things. Later the evening I called my mom, because I felt a pang of longing for her.

Geez, when I review this entry, I must say I truly have pushed my writing skillz to the limits; or maybe I have read too much of Demyrie's fanfiction. That woman can actually WRITE! And yep, whether you like it or not, that shout- out was the punchline. Tomorrow I'm off to shop for a kitchen table with my parents, buh bye.

1. Ask me to take pictures of any aspect of my life.
2. Leave your requests as comments to this entry.
3. I'll snap the pictures and post them.

I have not been enjoying my life these days. Every morning I feel wretched, I take long naps, eat too much chocolate and surf on the Internet. I never do anything creative or social.

I must say, the only time I'm happy is when I have dreams. Last time I took a nap I had dreams of travelling in Savo, which is a dear place for me as I spent my childhood summers there. In another dream I was the victim of a statutory rape by a handsomely gruffy Diesel.

Let's see... in the morning I had dreams, got up, made my bed without airing the sheets, checked my e- mails and took a shower. To my surprise, the water was warm even though we were warned that there are some repairs being done in the house, that's why this morning there would be no warm water. Wotcha!

After breakfast, I went outside for a little business. First I spent my second food stamp on whoppin' FIVE chocolate bars, two packets of cold- smoked salmon and a bag of clementines.

I went to the library to pick up the DVD I had requested, my favourite movie Ghost World. I had returned the last one as for some reason, it always showed Danish subtitles.

Then I went to the bank and took the last few euros from my account. I had my "payday" today, but I had to pay my rent and my cellphone bill and that's why I had very little money left.

I went back to apartment, when I was inside and had taken my winter clothing off and put the groceries etc. on their right places, I groaned: "Home sweet home!", fell on my bed and snoozed off for two hours.

After I woke up, I opened the first batch of chocolate and started watching the movie I had borrowed. It still had Danish subtitles.

Later today I visited Laura, and soon after that I had to take part in this group held in Laura's apartment. Every person who has moved to Kilterinrinne from Casa Franca has to take part in it to make sure everything's alright. Sanna was the one to hold the group, I curled up into Laura's armchair and moaned.

After the group Sanna came over to my apartment, and told me some fabulous news; my social worker Annukka has agreed to pay next month's rent for me, and I can use my housing benefit on whatever I want! So I don't have to use the food stamps anymore, I can pay my Internet bill and buy a new headscarf and a bathroom rug and a year card to Tennispalatsi art museum, I can buy food for two weeks and still have money left!

I was a bit hesitant about writing about today, because this day wasn't so exciting. But nevetheless, I enjoy writing and want to brush up my English skillz, not to mention I want to reach my thousandth entry soon.

Yep, I guess that was all.

No wait, OK, I'll write about today.

It seems like I wake up veeery early every morning, even though I have set my alarm clock to ring at 8 o'clock. I always wake up after six a.m. and don't get any sleep. Goddamn how annoying it is, nothing to do as it is too dark outside to go for a walk, too early to go to shops or anywhere else social and everyone else in the house is sleeping and I don't want to wake them up.
Nevertheless, I got tired of just rolling in my bed and moaning, so I turned on my laptop and took my medicines.

I checked my e- mails and all that, and read some slash fanfiction from which I usually get my jollies. Yaoi, that's my only love.

I went back to bed, slept a little more and got up when the time was 10 a.m. That's when I was supposed to do all my morning routines, and for some reason brushing my teeth and taking a shower feels a bit annoying, but I'd rather do it than look like I have been rolling in baboon shit. Besides tomorrow they're going to do some repairs in the house, meanwhile there won't be any warm water between 8 a.m. - 12 a.m. Well, gives me a good reason to sleep late.

I cooked some oatmeal for breakfast. I have been thinking of giving up eating it, but oatmeal is very healthy, helps my bowel movements and keeps my blood sugar regulated. The only problem is that it looks like crushed maggots, eating it feels like munching a turd and either it is too hot or too cold. Maybe I should try a different brand of oatmeal.

After breakfast I fell onto my bed and snoozed until Linda called me, she came for a regular visit to see if everything's okay. Goddamn, I had completely forgotten about those.

I opened the front door to let her in, she complained about my money using and I whined in response.
She told me that I need to renew my rental agreement, and that I should attend the activity groups the other girls attend.

I remember, in autumn 2007 I got my first taste of the activity groups. The female attendants were basically young women who just giggled hopelessly and old women who just sat quietly, looking very anxious. There were two men and both of them couldn't sit without showing a good portion of their hairy butt cracks. We made napkin holders out of toilet paper rolls, and sheep figures by gluing cotton wads on cardboard cut- outs. It was like being burned in hell.

I told Linda I won't attend the groups anymore. After we had bitched enough, she finally left, and I felt basically rotten. I went back to bed, pulled my cuddle blanket up to my ears and slept like a log until 2 p.m. I was thinking of cooking some lunch, but I felt the need for chocolate so I put on my cold- weather clothing and off I went.

Yes, that. My nutrition is not from the book of health education, it's just that I am too lazy and unmotivated to cook proper lunches; if I fry something in a saucepan, my apartment smells like shish kebab and I am always afraid that the grease I use in frying burns my hands.
I really wish I had enough money and utensils to cook something else than just pasta. But I guess you can't have it all.

I have really been wondering why I eat such excessive amounts of chocolate.
Suvi's father told me that when you lack a special nutritient, you start craving for it. Suvi added that chocolate is an antidepressant, so it's quite clear.
I remember, in summer 2008 I suffered from mid- severe depression, that's when my craving for chocolate started. It didn't cure my depression but at least I had a reason to go outside everyday, just to get a bar of Fazer's whole- nut.

I bought some chocolate and went to the library to pick up a requested book. I also decided to visit Myyrinki, where the activity groups are held, and tell the councellors I won't attend them anymore. Before that, I went to the Salvation Army and bought some clothes.

I told the councellor, Pirjo that I won't attend her group anymore. She was very kind and understanding, and told me that I can pick up my paintings later.
I drank a couple of glasses of water and felt relieved. In my apartment, I ate the chocolate and soon I was off to the night school.

I had a good time, but as usual I am very worried about my finances. With the food stamps and the money given to me by my mother, how will I manage and have a Halloween party?

Let's see. In the morning I woke up veeery early, about before seven a.m. That's when all the Constructicons start creating havoc right under my balcony, there's a construction site right on the yard. They're probably building a new apartment house, dunno.
I didn't get any sleep, so I got up and turned on my computer. Every single morning I check up my Hotmail, DevianTart and ElGay flist, but this morning my Internet connection was acting up. Every time the status bar reads "Looking up..." for a long time, it means the connection is screwed up, or more like it is too slow to respond.

After I had checked up e- mails and updates, I brushed my teeth, took a shower, dressed up and cooked breakfast.
I waited for the time to become quarter past ten, so I could go to Casa Franca. Today as every Tuesday, I had to deal my medicines to my Dosett and go to the gym with the other gals. Not to mention I had to sort out the problems with the rent and other financial affairs.

I had a good time at the gym, I actually noticed that going to the gym on a crisp, chilly, serene autumn day is quite a pleasant experience. Not to mention that I can wear my light pink babydoll- fitted Guinness shirt that would otherwise have ended up to Salvation Army.

After the gym, I returned to Franca and dealt my medicines to my Dosett and sorted out the problems with the rent and other financial affairs. I was in a bad mood and cursed out loud how fucked up this world is, every person who just tries to make the best of her life gets her ass kicked by society and basically fate.
Even though my bitching could have been heard all the way in Russia, I was welcomed enough to stay for lunch. I was happy, because I haven't eaten any hot food for weeks as a.) I don't know how to cook and I'm unmotivated to learn about it, b.) I can't afford any other food except vegetables, fruits, sandwich utensils like bread, spread like butter and fillings like smoked salmon which is delicious beyond belief by the way. And chocolate of course

I warmed some fish soup in the microwave oven and while it was cookin' I decided to check my e- mails.
On Sunday I had written an e- mail to Globe Hope and asked whether they have Säde bags anymore. The bag I currently own is a Säde, but it's coming apart at the seams and I broke the zipper last summer. I need a new one, so I had mailed them to ask whether they had those same bags for sale.

I discarded the thought and logged out of Hotmail.com when the microwave oven beeped.
While consuming my fish soup I almost wept because of pure joy; nowadays I have hot food so rarely, not to mention it reminded how my paternal grandma cooks the best salmon soup in the world! She doesn't skimp with the fish, it has huge bits of salmon trout and everytime I consume it, I feel the eternal winter in my soul turn into a bright spring.

Anyway, after I was done I went off to the Social Security Institution. I brough there the request for contemporary allowance so I may pay my rent and bills next month, and receive the goddamn food stamps. And return the receipts I had gotten when I paid my new winter clothes with the extra allowance I had gotten from my social worker.

I went to Citymarket, bought rye bread, two packets of smoked salmon, tomatoes, carrots and a chocolate bar. I wanted to buy Fair Trade cotton swabs, but the cashier told me that I can buy only FOOD with FOOD stamps. Yeah sure right, sorry for being such a retard.

I returned to my apartment. I blared some Lordi and wrote my waaaangst to my diary, and soon I was feeling better. I actually felt a lot better when I called my mom to remind me we were supposed to go shopping today.
She told me that she had tried to call me, but I called her first. We agreed that after four p.m. or when she is leaving Pasila on a train, she would call me and I would go meet her in Myyrmanni shopping centre, in our common meeting point that is the bench in front of the book shop.

I started doing my geometry homework, and after mom called I put on my winter clothing, turned off the lights and my computer and off I went.

As I had some time left, I went to the library and retrieved a book I had requested; a tale about an unpopular girl bullied in junior high, Älä usko Älä toivo Älä rakasta (roughly translated, No faith No hope No love). I read it when I was thirteen, and I think it was my cult book as I was in junior high then and bullied on a daily basis.

I returned to patrol in front of the bookstore, right after I had slammed my butt on the bench my mom arrived, and I got up to greet her.
Mom gave me 40 euros to buy other groceries than food, like toilet paper, sanitary pads and detergents and other daily consumer goods that can't be paid with food stamps.

We went to the bookstore and bought the MAOL book for me. I had asked mom to go to an ice cream parlor, but she was feeling a bit peckish so we went to Hesburger.
I got french fries and chocomint smoothie, mom decided to show her LOLcat side and ordered a cheezburger.
After we were done, we decided to go our own ways but then mom noticed a fire truck (Optimus fraggin' Prime! No, he was a regular truck) outside, we went to see if there was a fire someplace. But as soon as we stepped out of the revolving doors, the fire truck was driving off followed by a police car.

We went to Citymarket, mom went to look for leggings and I went to look for Revenge of the Fallen toys.
I bought a mini- sized Optimus Prime truck, the kind of figure that does not convert but looks so cuddly 'n' snuggly anyway. I didn't feel sorry for spending my scarce money on vanity, the poor thing seemed so scared among all the 3- in- 1 Soundwaves and badass Megatrons. Now it dwells next to my laptop and wants to hump my leg out of pure happiness.
I fell in love with a convertible Megatron figure, I think I will buy it for Christmas present... for myself. Oh c'mon, Megatron is badass! Who cares if he looks like a pussyhole with wolf teeth? "Decepticons, retreat!"

I also bought a special kind of soap by RFSU, to wash my kitty cat, and some Fair Trade cotton swabs.

Once in my apartment, I noticed I had not turned off the lamp in the hallway. Once I had put my new belongings to their right places, I noticed that the cotton swabs I had bought are not recyclable. I once had some of them I had bought from Ruohonjuuri, but I just don't care to travel all the way to Helsinki. Not even for recyclable cotton swabs.

I called my dad and asked him if he and mom can buy me a kitchen table and some chairs before October 31st; me and Suvi will have a Halloween party in my apartment and I need a table for the party food. He told me that if they have enought time, we will go looking for the required furniture from Sotka or some other furniture shop in Petikko.

I must say, this must be the longest entry I have ever written.

So what's the situation?

While I lived in Casa Franca, I paid my rent every month automatically through my online bank account. It caused me no problems.
When I moved into this new apartment, the benefits I received in September were spent when I paid the last rent of the apartment I had in Franca.
I thought I could pay the rent a month after, like October's rent would be paid in November 5th.
Later the landlord called and told me my rent has not been paid. I was feeling a bit bemused, and told him that I will pay the rent in November. I was told this is not okay, the rent must be paid month before.
I was getting a bit panicky, and that's how the fuss began.
All in all, I have no money for food, I have had to loan money from my family and my friends to buy groceries. If I pay October's rent with the benefits of this month, I will have money left to pay my cellphone bill but not to buy food or reload my traveller's card. The second time I will receive money is November 2nd, but I will have to pay November's rent. I will yet again have no money for food, nor paying my Internet bill, nor reloading my traveller's card.
This is when the Social Security institution comes in; I will be given food stamps, I will receive benefit for paying my bills.
I HATE food stamps, they're the absolute sign of being poor.

Sometimes I wish I had enough money to wipe my ass on 500 euro bills, I could have a proper apartment from a nice area without drunken bums and flashers, furniture (yep, that's something I don't have), healthcare and proper clothes without having to freeze to death during winter. Not to mention I wouldn't have to either starve to death or gobble ramen fuckin' noodles every single day.

This morning was quite smooth, if you don't count the weird feelings I get; when I was doing the morning routines, I felt like a sharp cut went through my brains and I felt extremely bad, and then the feeling disappeared as quickly as it had appeared. I call those feelings "downers".

As soon as the time was 10 a.m. I packed my bag full of library items I had to return, some of them were past their due date. Which reminds me, last evening when I laid in my bed I got no sleep, so I decided to read some books. I read a fairytale book by Rosa Liksom in one sitting, scribbled some weird thought into my diary and soon I was asleep.

Last Monday I decided that I will begin a new, healthy life by eating proper food BUT NOT GIVING UP CHOCOLATE and exercising, and this Monday I begun a new, healthy life by giving my mind some exercise; I will go to museums more often, read a new book every month, listen to new music and write and write and keep on helvetissä writing!

When I returned to my apartment, I took a two- hour- long nap. When I woke up, it was already half past midday, and I decided to make a phonecall to Franca and ask whether my situation has gotten any better.
Well, maybe I'll manage with the food stamps, but I hate them with passion.

After the call I continued sleeping, I stuck my butt in the air and buried my head under the pillows and generally felt rotten- until Lauski called me and asked me to visit her.

I had a good time, but when we were talking about medical stuff I remembered that goddamn, I have an appointment with my nurse today! It was 1:45 p.m. and I had a quarter of an hour to get my ass to the rehab centre. I excused myself, wished Lauski a great day and scooted off.

I really like my nurse, I can always shoot my mouth off and bitch and whine and gripe how my life sucks, no one has ever had that much patience with me.
I also realised something; along with men, I also hate women. Men are pigs who just want a pussyhole to fuck, women are cows that are more interested with applying mascara with their mouths open.

=^.^= Hear ye, love is like a farm, as men are pigs and women are cows. Yah boo.

I want to be androgynous, I don't want to be a male or a female. I just want to be me.

After the appointment, I was feeling more rotten, not to mention I was steaming mad. I went to the bookstore, bought a diary and read some Fingerpori comics to feel better.

I went to my apartment but had very little time before I had to go to the night school. A new semester has begun, I will have maths (or more like geometry) on Mondays and Wednesdays.

While I was walking to school, I took a look at the trees and bushes clad in autumnal colours. I remembered I had promised pteropusvenom to take some photos and post them to my journal for her delight. The place she lives, well, it's basically a huge palm tree as she told me.

I was thinking of taking some photos, but I was already getting late. When I returned from school, it was already too late as it was getting dark.

The lesson was quite nice, the teacher was (there is no other word for him) cuddly and I don't even have to buy a course book, if I have the MAOL book. Which I don't have, or actually I have the old print.

I popped to the shops and bought a triangle for my maths lessons, some elm- scented liquid hand soap and a box of biodegradable sanitary pads.

In the evening I called mumsie and asked her to buy a new MAOL book for me, and suggested that if we go shopping tomorrow we could buy some ice cream as we always do when we go shopping. Even though nowadays (maybe due to the greenhouse effect) the temperature is the coldest during this year, I still want to taste different kinds of ice cream. Last time it was salmiakki (when we went to buy some curtains and an electric kettle), maybe I will try peppermint tomorrow. Or strawberry sherbet, kanskje?

And I was also told by the principal of the school I attend, that I can take the biology test when I want. Maybe I will study a couple of weeks, and take the test when I'm prepared enough. He also told me that after I get the diploma and go to Mercuria to get Vocational Qualification in Business and Administration to become a simple little cute and cuddly fraggin' librarian, that is if I get accepted there, I can return to the night school to take some extra lessons in the evenings if I want to get better grades. Sounds good to me!

I must say, today was fifty- fifty bad- good.

I wear a scarf on my head when I go outside*...

I buy groceries with food stamps from the Social Security.

I have officially become a Somali.




*mainly because it's cold outside and wearing a woollen cap gives me a bad hair day.

Ah, I had such a nice day.

I got up early and decided that today will be the start of a new, healthy life.
I bathed like never before and ate a proper breakfast before going shopping. I had to buy some more clothes for the winter, and I had decided to go to Jumbo to buy leggings and a woollen scarf. I missed my last one, the one with black and gray stripes, but I had lost it.

I had gotten late from the bus, so I decided to go to the pharmacist to pick up a new batch of my antipsychotics. Then I went to the grocery shop and bought the daily amount of chocolate. Yep, even though I have ONCE AGAIN decided to start living healthier, I will NEVER give up eating chocolate every day.

I took another bus to Veromies, where the huge- ass shopping centre Jumbo is resided. I visited some clothing shops, but didn't find leggings or woollen scarfs that I would like.
Nevermind, there's this shop named Gallerix that sells posters, paintings, postcards, empty books and other paper stuff, and I would have loved to buy some postcards to tape to my walls or send to my friends, or just add to my collection. Which reminds me, today I sent the postcards I had promised to send to Kelly, Jolanda, Heather and Jessica B. Hope you will like them!

I got bored and took a bus back to Myyrmäki. Once in my apartment, I cooked some Knorr tomato soup and exercised a bit, did some simple stretches. I wish I had a pad on which I could do sit- ups, and a pair of 1.5 kg dumbbells (haha, I love that word). I better ask my parents to buy me ones as welcoming gifts for my apartment.

I felt very good. I actually said aloud, "Nautin elämästäni" [I'm enjoying my life]. I read some books and ate chocolate, until I decided to go to the mall to buy the leggings.

Luckily I had found my old woollen scarf from the same shelf I store my sports bag. I put on my winter gear and went outside, and noticed that it was raining sleet.

I went to Citymarket and bought a Rexona deodorant, some Palmolive liquid hand soap and Oral-B dental floss. It smelled of mint very strong.

I went to Tiimari and bought an extremely cheap and pretty ugly canvas bag, as I am tired of hauling a plastic bag. I was actually thinking of buying something prettier like Marimekko, but right now I have gotten emotionally attached to the bag so I won't discard it.

Later when I was back at my apartment, I decided to go shopping ONCE AGAIN. This time I bought a tube of Novalan, basic cream by Orion. As the temperature is dropping below zero, the skin of my hands is turning dry and scruffy, which is a bad thing as I have decided to take better care of my appearance. This morning when I got up to pop my pimples, I was almost horrified of what I saw in the mirror; I had poodle hair, lips chapped to the point they were bleeding, my skin was pale with red spots and my eyes were, allright you got it. I know no girl is not in her prime in the mornings, but it was the kickstart of my healthier life. Let's hope it works.

RANDOM FACTS ABOUT ME:

When I was younger, I used to give names to my diaries. I don't remember much about them, except one was Noriko Lumikko and another was Liberty Belle.

I suck at drawing, yet I wish I could draw like a pro as I have many kickass ideas for comics.

I LOVE popping my pimples, I do it everytime I go to the bathroom.

I have decided trying to update every single day, so I can easier reach my thousandth entry. And also mark the number of each entry on the subject line.

My mornings are pretty much the same, I wake up early somewhere between 4:00- 7:00 a.m., get up and take my meds and check my e- mails, then I go back to sleep and wake up somewhere between 9:30- 11:30 a.m. Then I do all the morning routines, have a wash and breakfast, then I grab my cuddly blanket and s- l- e- e- p for about four hours! Like this morning.

Today I thought of going for a walk as it was a nice, crisp autumn day. Instead I visited Franca, in the vain hope went to see if Linda was in charge for this weekend and had brought her dog Martta along.
Instead, Rami was there, but I didn't mind. I had a nice talk with him about the things that have been bothering me. When I left, I went to the nearest kiosk and bought a chocolate bar weighing 1/4 kilogrammes, and took a bus to my parents' place.

My br'er was having his autumn break, but I didn't see much of him as he was sleeping. My mumsie had gone for a walk, I cuddled with my father while he was reading a historical book he is so fond of. Every single weekend when I go visit my folks, they're always napping or reading books.
When mom returned, I tried to keep my huge- ass chocolate bar somewhere safe as she has already complained about how much I eat chocolate. I helped her in the kitchen and when I left, she yelled: "Miia, you come back here!" I was slightly frightened, had she noticed that I had chocolate on the corners of my mouth? Ah, no worries, she wanted me to chop the aubergine slices for the stew she was making. I was relieved, and also opened a can of beans and sliced a pepper.

I took a short nap, and before I left I looked at some family photos with my mom and we talked about my childhood when I was down with the leucemia, and my mother practically lived in the hospital where she used to pet my hair (or whatever I had left of it due to the cancer treatment) and sing nursery rhymes.
I put my head in her lap and petted her curly hair, and my mom told me how I used to stand in her lap and pet her hair until it was all poofy.

I put on my boots and went to Alepa to buy some food. Thanks to Allah, Primus and Buddha, small grocery shop chains like Siwa and Alepa are opened on Sundays.

I bought juice concentrate, two cans of white beans in tomato sauce, satsumas and tomatos. When I left the shop I remembered I should have bought cereals and tomato soup, so I walked to the Siwa in Louhela and bought the aforementioned groceries. By then my carrier bag was heavy, but I managed to take them to my apartment.

After a while of bouncing around, I decided to go downtown to look for winter clothing. I don't remember if I have mentioned this, but my social worker Annukka gave me 100 euros for winter clothing, and as you can read from yesterday's entry I bought a winter coat, mittens and a cap, but I need some blouses, trousers and a scarf. I discarded the idea of knitting a scarf, as my patience + my laziness + knitting a scarf + six months of cold season = NO DICE. I'll let you figure out what I mean.

Once in Helsinki, I first went to Kiasma as there you can use the toilets for free. I heard some hands clapping from upstairs, I think there was some kind of gala going on. And besides, while in the bus I saw from a long distance that there is a new art show at Kiasma, ARS FENNICA 09. Yee haw! I really need to join Friends of Kiasma to get free admission everytime I go there. Damn I miss those times when I wasn't yet 18 years old, I could go to most of the museums for free.

Anyway, I went to the post office and bought the cards I had promised to send and a few stamps.

I went to Cybershop to look for a shirt and a blouse, but I was told they're for sale in the Cybershop store in Kamppi shopping centre, and it was closed for today. Awwright, maybe tomorrow.
Instead I went to Indian Bazar and I nearly wept when I saw what kind of lovely clothes they had for sale and how I couldn't afford them.

I took a bus back to Myyrmäki, I hadn't bought anything except the cards and stamps. I got off earlier and walked to the local kiosk and bought a chocomint flavoured iced coffee (I hate coffee with passion, but iced coffee with A FLAVOUR makes my stomach purr with contentment) and a bag of vinegar flavoured crisps. Right now I am at my own apartment, having a nice evening. Hope you're having one too!

I really don't see why my emotions should go like on a psychotic rollercoaster. On Wednesday I stood beside the subway rail and thought of jumping down; the next day was all peaches and cream and sunshine and liqorice bars. I hate it, but I must realise that it will follow me during my lifetime due to this illness that can't be cured, no matter how much pills I pop. Maybe I must learn to ride the aforementioned rollercoaster, with both of my arms in the air, screaming "Whoooopeeee!"

Today I woke up from my erotic nightmares and got up, took my meds and checked my e- mails. Then I went back to sleep, got up and put my linen to the laundry basket and my pillows and blankets to the balcony to get them aired.

After finishing my morning routines I took a loooooong nap, about three or four hours. After I woke up, I decided it was time to go shopping for winter clothing.
I bought a purple quilted jacket with a long hem from Citymarket, then I took a bus to Helsinki and bought a pair of pink- red- purple mittens and a rainbow- coloured woollen cap from Aurinko. I have been thinking of wearing happy- coloured winter clothing, bring a little colour to the dark and cold season. Whee, Christmas iz cominggggg...
I am thinking of knitting my own scarf for winter, as knitting is something I have always wanted to have as a hobby, but I have never found enough patience or time. But anyway, in junior high I started knitting a scarf that I never finished; I used random strings I could find around the house, and tried different patterns. The result was kind of psychotic, but now I want to do it again, using colourful strings and different patterns.

I bought some chocolate, the usual Fazer bar and one with salmiakki filling. I visited Suvi on her work place and gave her some of the salmiakki chocolate.

Later the day my dad called and told me that he had bought a vacuum cleaner for me. He brought it over at my apartment, we collected it and I started hoovering immediately. The vacuum cleaner is very cute, small and purple and it sucks like Jenna Jameson. Now I don't have to borrow the vacuum cleaner from Lauski!

I had rented the movie Hard Candy yesterday, my friend Kerri had recommended it for me. What makes it more awesome is that it has Ellen "Juno" Page in it!
Nevertheless I couldn't finish it, as my DVD playa was acting up.

I went to return it to the video renting, and I wanted to go to the mall to look for some wool strings to begin my profect psychotic scarf, but the mall was already closed. What a bummer.

P.m.S. I'm going to buy the cards I promised on Monday, and if I don't start feeling lazy again I will mail them next week.

I remember promising to share my art, so here's one of my poems.

October is here

All I want is to just stroll around
Making no sound
Life would be better underground

It's impossible to escape your own head
But problems won't solve by just staying in bed
It bothers me how I now and then feel very dead

(My desire for sweet lovin' is sated by Michael Myers
There's no sight more seductive than pure evil stabbing people with pliers)

I don't wanna cross the line, or waste my time
Bothering after something I cannot gain
All I want is to wake up to the auriginous sunshine
And have something sweet and precious to call mine

I have just woken up from having wonderful dreams of true love, summer, riding a bicycle and Starlight Express.

Just when I went to sleep last night with suicidal thoughts.

I read all of your comments on my last "I want to die"- entry, and I must say, I'm not pretty sure if I deserve having such wonderful and awesome friends like you.

Today has been kind of smooth.

In the morning I brewed some oatmeal for breakfast, as I always do. To be honest, I don't like it much. No matter how much sugar and berries I spice it with, it always tastes horrible, and it has the most unpleasant structure. Munching on it feels like biting a turd, I must say.
But it is a healthy start to the day and keeps my blood sugar and energy rates decent to the lunchtime, so I guess I shouldn't complain.

I just puttered around in the morning and was officially bored. I decided to go for a walk, as I haven't done much exercise these days. The only times I have walked outside in the fresh autumnal air have been when I have had to do my own business, visit the library, go grocery shopping etc. I thought that some fresh air might do miracles to my really bad skin, and the exercise might ease the irritating pain in my right knee- and also help the fact that I haven't taken a dump for about three days. I learned that in the rehab ward; when you don't exercise much, you get constipated. Luckily I managed not to get an enema, a fate suffered by my roommate Salme who was a crazy old Christian woman and always shared her bowel problems with me. She always came to our room when I was taking a nap, and sputtered "They gave me an enema, can you believe it...", or "I have to wear diapers, adult- sized...". I hated her. I wish her precious Saviour burns her in hell.

Anyway, I went for a walk. I was thinking of walking all the way to Vantaankoski, but when I had arrived to Martinlaakso I was so shagged and fagged I decided to take a bus.
I had to pee, I was tired and not to mention that I felt like all the bad memories of the unpleasant people I had met were marching across my forehead, school bullies and the nurses of the rehab ward. That always happens when I'm outside and get physically exhausted.
When I was walking up the Kilteri hill I was certain that I would perish from exhaustion right on my doorstep- which I didn't, I managed to take off my coat and boots, then I flopped onto my bed and slept for three hours. I decided that I will never, ever go for a walk again, if the results are like these.

I had dreams of Megatron and his Decepticons taking over Helsinki, then I woke up and decided that I should go buy some light refreshments, the daily amount of chocolate and maybe some of this Estonian carrot juice I am very fond of. I found out about it earlier this week when I visited the K- Market in the Central Railway Station, my- oh- my it is sooooo sweet and refreshing!

So I decided to take a bus downtown, because I didn't feel like walking a couple of kilometres to Siwa.
When I waited for the bus it was raining, but I didn't feel any drops on myself.
In the city centre the streets had practically turned into lakes!

I went to the grocery shop and bought the usual chocolate bar, and one big and two small cartons of the aforementioned carrot juice.
As the bus would take 25 minutes to arrive, I went to the Museum Of Cultures in Tennispalatsi and bought a new diary. And I still have lots of money left!

When I got off the bus, it was raining like hell. I got wet in about half of a minute, and when I arrived to my apartment I felt like I could never be happier.
I took off my pants and leggings and dressed into track pants. I had quite a nice evening, I cleaned up my bathroom, received a phone call from my grandma, tidyed up my apartment and all that.

I was thinking of buying some sort of pillow under my butt when I sit in cross- legged by the living room table (maybe that's why my knee hurts) and use my laptop. I know it is quite a silly place to keep a computer, but it is because of the reception. Otherwise my Internet collection would be very slow.
I thought of getting a Hello Kitty pillow, but I googled for "hamburger pillow" and found this super sweet online shop named Leelee's creations, and they actually had a jumbo hamburger pillow for sale! I guess I'll order it the next time I receive my welfare.

Speaking of welfare, my quest for job wasn't a succé. I wanted to go to a job rehearsal (the kind of I was in last spring) while I study in the night school. I was hinted earlier that there's a special regulation against attending night school and a job rehearsal at the same time, but I wanted to see if I could actually do it.
Them employment agency workers gave me a five- page form to prove that I am a student. I have to visit an employment agency in Tikkurila, make hell of a lot of phone calls and fill out forms. I hate it. I have been thinking of dropping out of night school and going to the job rehearsal.
I know studying is important, but I need extra money. Not to mention that I have been thinking of NOT giving a flying fuck about my success in high school studies, because when it comes to my success in life the grades won't really matter. Besides, I could work for at least an year and earn some money, and when the rehearsal is over I could return to the night school and finish my studies. The best thing in night school is that it is really flexible; you can leave your studies and skip for an year and then come back to study, and Bob's your uncle.
I am still afraid what my mother would say if I dropped out of night school for the third time. I'll have to assure her that I need money more than education.

When I mentioned that I have bad skin, I really meant it. There's a small wound on my little finger, I guess it is because my skin is so dry it has been hardening, and when I flex it it practically cracks into small bleeding cuts. It looks terrible, so I had to buy some Bepanthen and I have decided to put it onto my finger every morning, midday and evening. Let's hope it works.
I'd post a picture of it but it looks too icky.

FRIDAY:

In the morning I went to see my best friend Suvi in the mall, and when I was walking towards our usual meeting place some really old dude hollered "Hello my dear!" to me when I walked past them. Blah, I am used to attention- starved males.
We met by Red Onion, then we went to Citymarket where Suvi could buy some snack to prevent her blood sugar getting too low.
We went to Seppälä, where I bought seven pairs of stripy socks and a snazzy nail filer. I have been thinking of starting to take better care of my nails.

We took a train to Helsinki, and went to
-> Cybershop where I bought a t- shirt I had put on hold earlier this week
-> Aurinko where I bought a incense holder and a blue denim wallet with an embroidered sun
-> LUSH where we looked, poked and smelled the bath products

Then we had to return to Myyrmäki as I had an appointment with my nurse. We agreed that Suvi could stay in my apartment during the appointment, and when it was done we could go shopping AGAINNNNN...

In my apartment I turned on my computer and showed to Suvi how to use the tricky DVD player in case she wanted to watch some of my DVDs.
I arrived to the rehab centre in a nick of time, and my nurse opened the door for me. When she started telling me that my coat was a bit torn, I was alarmed: "Dear Miia, I feel a bit sad to have to tell you that... your fancy coat is a bit torn on the back."
Phew! No matter, I will sew it.

The appointment was a bit booooooooring. Usually after we have talked, I feel refreshed like I would just have had my stomach pumped. Today she just scowled me for thinking of getting a landline phone, and rejecting my welfare for applying for jobs.

After we were done, me and Suvi went to the mall where I bought some nail tending products. I bought a nail buffer and some nutritious almond oil lotion for my nails and cuticles.
We were thinking of taking a bus to Helsinki this time, but as we got late we took a train.
In Helsinki, we went to
-> Kitsch where I bought a fridge magnet "I ♥ my penis", two retro plastic containers and a kettleholder
-> Stockmann where I bought some Listerine mouth wash

Suvi went to Guess shops to look for a new bag. I was in the part of a boyfriend who gets bored while his girlfriend is shopping for girly stuff.

Suvi had to visit her working place, so I hugged her goodbye and took a bus to Myyrmäki. I went shopping for the last time, I bought a Little My case for my nail products.

In the evening when I had a wash I tried the mouth wash I had bought. It was too late to realise that it had denaturated alcohol and it almost burned my mouth. Blecch.

TODAY:
The one thing I really hate in my brains is that sometimes I get too philosophical. Like today when I was walking down the Kilteri hill to go shopping, I felt a bit sad about how everything costs money. Nowadays my only happiness is material needs, I seem to have forgotten to go outside, enjoy the sunshine, smell the roses and listen to the birds sing and yadda yadda yadda.
And when I returned home from some adventure, I took my boots off and suddenly found myself thinking, what's the point in living when you die anyway? Don't get me wrong, I haven't been suicidal, I just have been thinking of matters of life and death.
I really feel anguished when I think that now that my maternal grandparents who I loved dearly are dead, when does the time arrive when my parents are six feet under? And then it's my generation who passes.
But let's put that aside for a moment.

Early, I mean very early in the morning, I woke up when someone aggressively rang my doorbell two times. About second time in these three weeks I have been living here.
It was unpleasant to wake up with a start in the middle of pleasant dreams. I didn't have the courage to go see who it was, instead I just sat in my bed alarmed and listened to the doorbell. When I heard no other noises, I went back to sleep.

In the morning I got up and did the morning routines as I always do. As every Saturday I put my bedsheets to the laundry basket and took my pillows and blankets to the balcony to get them aired a bit.

Today would be a busy day (I accidentally wrote busty...) as I would have to go to my parents' house and go shopping and tidy up my aparment. I ended up doing the two first ones.

I took a bus to Martinlaakso, and once in my parents' house (they would return from States in about three days) I put the newspapers and letters in a neat pile by the wall, puttered around the house and left.
I returned to Myyrmäki by bus, and that's when I remembered that I had forgotten to eat my breakfast oatmeal I had cooked.

I went to Citymarket and bought some groceries; three packets of cold- smoked salmon, biscuits, three packets of pasta and the daily chocolate.
Later I remembered I should have bought bath sponges... nah, nevermind.

I went back to my apartment and it didn't take a while before I was taking a catnap.
Later after I woke up, I went back to Citymarket and bought a packet of three bath sponges. I was thinking of going for a walk as the weather was most pleasant, but discarded that thought.

Later I went to the mall AGAIN, this time I decided to get rid of my change by buying a tube of Bepanthen, this very nifty skin lotion used for small bruises. I really need it as there's some terrible rash on my wrists and my right little finger, not to mention that my lips are so chapped they're already bleeding.

Later the evening I just minded my own business, watched the Kummeli series and Keeping Up Appearances on my computer and washed two loads of laundry. Maybe I'll tidy up tomorrow... or maybe not...

P.m.S. jadarene, why hast thou forsaken us?

Nothing else to say than I enjoy my life in the apartment of my own. I think it's dead cool to decide when to go to sleep, what to cook for dinner and things like that.

I have been thinking of making most of my entries Friends Only from now on... THEY are trying to get me...

This day was mostly pleasant. A good day, actually.

In the morning I noticed that when I get up from bed, I have poodle hair and my eyes are a bit crossed after sleep... I look quite classy, I might take a picture tomorrow to prove it.

Which reminds me, I have about 310 photos on my memory card. I need to take them to Anttila to get them developed, but it might cost a bit too much. Which reminds me, I need to buy that year card to Tennispalatsi Art Museum and join Kiasman Ystävät (friends of Kiasma) organizatuin to get free entrance to the museum.

After finishing my breakfast, I went to visit the employment agency. I didn't get help, much more than the phone number of some worker. Bah. I have been thinking of rejecting all of my welfares and getting a REAL job.

Before I got ill, I had decided not to move away from my parents before I have finished my studies and gotten employed. I felt like the life of a poor student- pot noodles, nose rings, striped shirts and debts- is not for me. And here I am.

But I won't be like this in the future; I will study and work and save my money, and when I'm 65 I can retire and look happily back to my past. As if...

I visited the library to pick up a request, and then I took a bus to Helsinki.
I visited K- Market and bought the daily amount of chocolate and some really refreshing carrot juice. Cheesus, I dare say it's better than the organic crap!

I went to Arnold's to have a little brunch as I was feeling a bit peckish. I bought a bottle of Fair Trade iced latte with chocolate milk and ordered a bagel with cold- smoked salmon, but they were out of salmon so I settled for tuna.
When I saw the salad and the tuna oozing light liquid I knew I had made a mistake, but I ate it up as I am taught to eat everything on my plate.

I visited the local LUSH shop, the one thing I love about that place is that I can smell the flowery scent far away on the street.
I looked for strenghtening shampoo and conditioner, I learned that Rehab shampoo and American Cream conditioner are the best.

I went to Kitsch and bought a pad of classy post- it notes, and a Dumpling Dynasty case actually meant as a First Aid box but I use it to store my change- once the box is full, I will take it to the bank.

The last place I visited was Espan Enkelit. I bought Le Chat Noir tin box in which I now store my hairbrush, deodorant and cold creams.

After I was home, I soon had to go to the night school. Too bad we have only one lesson left before the exam, as I am getting pretty good in biology.

The one thing I hate in my writing is that I have become too critical. When I still had my old journal, I just wrote for the pleasure of writing. I have been reading some of my diaries I wrote in 2005- 2007, I just wrote. I wasn't too critical about my writing, and I can see that my writing was enormously better then.

Nowadays I write like Bridget Jones; I have become too banal. I guess the art of writing is intuition- bound, not something you get from studying literature, and it disappears like the innocence of childhood when you grow up.

Quelle dommage, should I say.

I have been enjoying my life in my own apartment, even though I still continue being flat broke and a shop- a- holic in the same time.
I also don't know how to cook; I tried to make some potato mash and fry some saithe, the results were that the potato mash ended up as lumps of mash floating in lukewarm milk and the saithe was icy and soft. I have been wanting to try out salmon soup, but I think it will end up disasterous.
I don't yet have any curtains, or a toaster, electric kettle or vacuum cleaner. And I have no lamps except the light in the hallway, the lamp on my bedside table and the light above the stove.
And my goddamn parents just left for two- week trip to the States when they were supposed to buy me all the things I need for my new home! When they grow old, I will choose the worst nursing home for them.
Not to mention that I still have the same night terrors I used to have as a kid. By then I used to be scared of roaming dead bodies, the drummer of Lordi, dogs with no head and hairy vampires, now I'm afraid of Samara from The Ring and the tall dark figure from Ju- On: The Grudge. When I lay on my bed awake I may get up several times to make sure that there are no monsters about to claim my soul.

But I can manage. As long as I have food in the fridge, a decent bed and a discount card to the video renting, I guess I'm awwwwright. And my benefits will arrive on Friday.

To tell you the absolute truth, I HATE living on welfare. Mostly because I have too little money, but also because I hate the idea of spending other people's tax money. I certainly should get employed already, but that's too bad as I have to finish high school first and then start studying as a librarian.

This morning when I got up, the first thing to do was to check my e- mails. I had been flamed on Irc- Galleria, a 17- year- old dude asked me whether I liked bukkake and later he told me I was the ugliest chick he had ever seen. At first it was fun answering with something snarky I could come up with, but soon I got bored and blocked him.

In the morning I went for the daily trip to Helsinki. At first I dropped my insurance bill to the social office as my social worker had promised to pay for them. That's also one thing I hate in being unemployed, I wish I could pay my own bills but I can't help being broke.

In Helsinki I got off the bus in Mannerheimintie and visited the cute Luca kiosk. They sold groceries, shampoos and sanitary napkins like usual kiosks, but they also sold Pocky, cheap sushi and loads of Hello Kitty products. I chatted a bit with the shop assistant in English as she didn't understand Finnish.
I continued my trip to Hesperia park where I climbed in the playground, and walked through the Finlandia park.

I took a train back to Myyrmäki, and when I was back in my own apartment the sky was getting gray and it drizzled a little.

I had to visit Franca to deal my medicines, and then I went to the employment agency to ask a few questions about whether I can go to job rehearsal along with studying in night school.

It took two receptionists to tell me to come again tomorrow, they'll check my status. Yibbi yibbi yay.

When I was back at my apartment, I soon had to leave for night school.
To be honest, I have been enjoying the biology lessons. Too bad there are only two lessons left before the exam.

Back home I was feeling quite happy that another day is over. After I have finished watching Keeping up appearances, I'm off to bed to gather some energy to another tiresome day. I wish Friday would come soon.

The weekend was pretty morbid; I got up early, took my meds, checked my e- mails, went back to bed and slept till 1 p.m. Then I got up again, did the rest of the morning routines, went back to bed and napped until 4 p.m. I spent both of the days napping, except when I washed laundry on Saturday and went grocery shopping on Sunday; thank Cheesus for supermarkets that are open on every day of the week.

Today I had a fun, busy day. I had decided to set my alarm clock to ring at 8:00 in the morning, I got up and did the morning routines as usual.

Later the day I went to Helsinki, I almost got late from the bus as I first took a bag of clothes to recycling.

In Helsinki, I bought two birthday cards, one for fuzzy_ninja and one for michichu2. I first thought of buying a TF:A card for Kelly, but I noticed that they were actually invitation cards, not greeting cards.

When I took a bus back to Vantaa, on Mannerheimintie I noticed a cute little café that sells sushi and Pocky. It's called Luca Kiosk, I have to visit it someday.

I got off in Myllymäki, and thought of visiting my old junior high and meet my old teachers. Referring to the general melee at the school yard, I was thinking that it was turned into a elementary school. The doors were locked, so I couldn't go inside. Well, who cares, I never liked grade school anyway. I could have earned better grades if I wasn't bullied all the time.

I took a bus to Myyrmäki, went shopping a few times and made some phone calls.

I wish that in the metropolitan area, there is a movie theatre that shows G- Force, not in 3D and not dubbed in Finnish.

I was thinking of going to the job rehearsal again; I could have something to do during daytime, earn some money from it and study in the evenings. But the last time when I visited the employment agency I was hinted that it's not possible to study in night school and go to job rehearsal at the same time. I sent them an e- mail to ask whether it's true.

Gah, what a boring entry. I better hit the update button.

1. They don't have an eye for beauty or feelings, or other precious non- material things in life.

2. They think that their sexual needs are the only important thing on Earth- they go even as far as breaking their loved one's heart, ruining a woman's only one life forever and breaking law (and of course get massive fines, sit in jail for a long time and ruin their reputation- just how dumb they can get?!) just to have a few moments of pleasure.

3. They think they're privileged to do horrible things to women- rape, abuse etc. just because they're the "stronger" sex.

4. They never feel guilt or have empathy and hate to admit their own faults; they try to justify their horrible acts by inventing reasons out of the blue or putting words into women's mouths; women love to be dominated (thus rape is "justified"), women love attention (that's why they report to police after being raped), if a woman is moody she's only PMSing (nothing too serious), feminists are ugly and don't have luck with men...

5. To accomplish point a, men who usually harass women say that women who don't like being harassed don't have a sense of humor.
And, just think about it; how cruel can a human be if they think that breaking law and hurting other people is just everyday hilarity?

6. Most women may not have motivation as leaders, but they tend to be more loving, gentle and thoughful. If women were the dominant sex thorough the history, would we have leaders like Adolf Hitler, Saddam Hussein or George Bush?

7. Typical man; claims to be completely free from everything. Truth; for their whole lives, men are led by their own sexual needs.

8. Men have an unnatural trait to turn things like one's own body and sexuality, which are completely natural, enjoyable and precious things, into ridiculous and shameful clichés and jokes. And if you can't stand them, you're only rigid and humourless feminazi.

9. They expect all their needs to be taken care of when they are selfish and do little if anything. Their needs are most important and justified. A female with needs is considered demanding.

10. They think that this world evolves only around them; if a certain man sees a woman who smiles/laughs/is dressed seductively in public, even if she's completely unfamiliar to him, he immediately thinks that the woman smiles/laughs at him or is dressed for him.

11. Men only see what they want to see. Like, if a woman smiles, bats her eyelashes, or even daintily extends her little finger or sits without legs crossed; she acts seductively -> she implies she is willing to have sex -> she deserves to be beaten black and blue and raped and left alone to a dark alley.

El oh el what a day I had.

Payday came and went, all my money has been spent now that I have food and incense sticks stocked for life.

I don't think it's that bad, because if I have food stocked enough to next week's Friday (that's when I receive my housing benefit, and as my rent has been already paid I can use the money on anything I want) I will manage.
But it's just that that I am a terrible elitist, and I always feel like I must have loads of money so I can do some inane shopping everyday. I must change my way of thinking about that, but I am really jealous of some of my friends who live on welfare and for some weird- o reason go to movies and theatres and bars and buy their food from Stockmann, have tons of hobbies and actually have a family too. Weirds me out.

No, really. I wrote my shopping list the other day and it looked like this:

three sets of earrings
a box of stamps
Scotch tape with a fancy, um, holder?
some posh facial lotion
a huge bottle of Listerine mouth wash
conditioner from Lush
new bedsheets
a Sarah Kay binder
nail tending products with a cute little bag for them
and maybe some flavoured dental floss (Kitsch sells bacon- flavoured toothpicks)

Cheesus! Who do I think I am, Hyacinth Bucket?

And when I count together the welfare I earn from not being right in the head and my housing benefit, I earn about 1040 euros a month. According to stads I earn as much money as a poor Puerto Rican man who cleans up subway stations.
But by the seven seas of Thundera, I will not stay flat broke! I will study and work as hard as I can, and earn my money honestly. Well, I dream of being a librarian and it is a well known fact that librarians don't earn much. But my instinct tells me I will manage.

Speaking of studying, I haven't been doing good in the night school. I had to quit the maths class because I was completely and utterly failing it, and I'm not too motivated about the biology class.
But I have conjured up a plan; if I fail the classes, I can always take them again. There is a special setting in night school; if you fail a class, you can take it again later.
Like for instance, you earn 8 from a class (in Finland we are graded by numbers; 4 is failed and 10 is the best) and you take it again, if you earn seven from it the grade won't be lowered, but if you earn 9 the grade will be nine in your report card.
I have been thinking that after I have finished this academic year, I will quit it temporarily and go to the same kind of work I was in last spring. Maybe even the same library, maybe even over one year? I will earn some extra money so I can increase my saving account, and then I will start studying again. I will finish night school, go to Mercuria to study as a librarian and then get employed. Then I can start living like the Prodigal daughter.
I have been also thinking of starting to study Swedish. If I become a librarian, I should be able to offer service in the second national language, not only my native language and the most common language in the world. And oh, don't forget to check out my Swedish journal morphia_slow I created aboot over 9000 years ago to brush up my Swedish:
German? Maybe, if Animated Blitzwing will teach me.

There's alos this one thing that has been bothering me for a while. When I take care of my appearance, should I also take care of the Earth? Buy Fair Trade cosmetics such as Body Shop and LUSH?
The problem is, if I live on welfare I will never be able to buy the cosmetics etc. I use regularly; hair dye, shampoo, conditioner, shower gel, hand soap, peeling cream, hand cream, facial lotion, facial cleaning, body lotion, toothpaste, nail conditioner, deodorant etc. I love long lists by the way.
Geezus, luckily I don't use any make up, except I have taken up the old habit of applying thick black lines on my lower eyelids. But if I bought all that stuff from LUSH and Body Shop, it would cost me a million!
Let's see... some companies like L'oreal give off the expression "if you don't use our products, you will be so ugly you'll never be loved". Then some companies like Body Shop or Dr. Hauschka, according to my opinion give off the impression "if you don't use our products you are too selfish to give a flying rat's ass about our home planet".

FACT 'UN: Environmental cosmetics, personal/domestic hygiene, organic food etc. cost a million if bought regurarly.
FACT DEUCE: When you take a deeper look at me, you'll see a typical rebellious teenager; foul breath, a nose ring, parents on the verge of a nervous breakdown, empty wallet and the want to save the Earth.

The resolution? No way in hell I can earn 1040 euros a month and save the Earth at the same time.

I feel guilty, but I know I'm not selfish. It's not my fault I am flat broke, and it's a solid fact that I can't take care of the environment before I have learned to take care of myself. I'm in high school, dude, I'm not equipped.
... thank you, Juno MacGuff.

Later the day Sanna came for a visit. There's this special arrangement in Casa Franca that after one inhabitat has moved away, they will be visited on a weekly basis to make sure things are okay. That's fine by me, I think it's nice that they extend their care- taking over Franca.

I was amazed by my oratory skills when I told Sanna about the things that have been bothering me, and my plans for the future. When she left, I took out the garbage for the first time in my life in the new apartment, mainly because she showed me where the dustbins are. And the next thing to do was to go to Citymarket and bought two bottles of Erisan lotion and a box of nonbiodegradable cotton buds, and a chocolate bar. LOL WHO'S ANDY

Sanna had told me about this special art therapy group in Myyrinki. I paid them a visit, it was lovely to chat up a storm with Elise who also attended it. I forgave her for behaving like a spoiled baby when I last time saw her, but I also noticed that when we look into the same mirror we look like Tove Jansson's characters, Elise looking like a mermaid and me looking like a Moomin troll. Blergh.

We were supposed to paint scenes, and we were supposed to stay for two hours even though I finished my painting in five minutes. I made the solid decision of not attending the group ever again.

Me and Elise went together to Helsinki, and like usually when we travel in trains we chatted about things 'n stuff, mostly about the book trilogy His Dark Materials by monsieur Philip Pullman.

Once in Helsinki, Elise went to see her friend and I took a tram to Hakaniemi. I just chilled around, bounced about, stomped my feet and laughed out loud. Hey, that could be a neat song!

I went to a pet shop as I wanted to see some cuddly guinea pigs. But the problem is that guinea pigs are terribly shy and fearful creatures, they were just lounging in their huts.
But you know whut? There were lesser jerboas for sale! I have been told about them by my friend Alisa the pteropusvenom who is made of awesome and actually has an OC anthro character who is half human half lesser jerboa. Goddamn, I didn't know those critters were for real, or they could be pets!

Anyway, I asked the shop assistant to show me one of them. I would have loved to hold one in my hand and pet it, but she just lifted the hut, petted and poked the other one of them so it woke up and started bouncing confusedly. Geezus it looked weird! It was basically a hairy ball with freaky long hind legs like bird's, huge black eyes and it seemed like it didn't have front paws!

I was thinking that I could buy one when I can afford having a pet, naming it Igor "Gosha" Il'ich Berezovsky after Alisa's character, dress it into neon clothes and make it rape anything he sees and snort cocaine... but mainly I'd prefer something less freaky and more cuddly.

Awwwright... I also ran around to see where this place named Tyttöjen talo (literally "House for girls") located. It is an activity centre for girls and only girls and it is also prolly the only place in Kallio where a girl can be safe from sexual harassing. I desperately want to visit it, the last time I visited that place was in grade school when I attended a group for- there is no other word for it- mentally retarded girls. One of them had Syndrome Of A Down, one of them had a severe case of ADHD and I was supposed to have Assburgers. It was pure hell and there was one father in the group, damn it!

I got bored and took a bus to Myyrmäki. I went to the post office to buy a tube of Dumle chocolate candies and a set of six Moomin stamps. I will send opethian23's and norsu_neitis's birthday cards this week.

This evening has been quite chillin', I wrote a loooooong e- mail for my mom and if she won't be impressed by my writing skillz, then I'll be damned. I took my meds, washed off my eyeliner and now I'm eating a salmon sandwich.

Coo to yoo

I am a feh- muh- nist. You got a problem with that?

Paydays, that's how I like to call them days when I receive my welfare.
I hate it. I wish I would finish my studying and get employed, so I can live off on my own work and not just laze my ass off and expect my account to be full.

Soooo... today I received my welfare, paid the last rent of my room in Casa Franca. I also paid the bill for receiving the peculiar paper with the information about my apartment (also known as talonkirjaote), paid my mom the money I had loaned from her and half of the price of the cellphone she bought for me. God bless dear ol' mumsie.

Anygays, as soon as I had done the morning routines, I went SHOPPING!!! I reloaded my traveller's card and bought a buttload of food and a couple of shopping bags for them. Geezus how hard it was to haul them up the Kilteri hill.

I had to visit Franca today, as I had to sort out my medicines. Franca has some weird rules; after you have moved out, you have to keep your medicines in Franca and visit them once a week to deal them into your Dosett, the special case for them.

I chatted with the nurses, talked to them about my problems and how my life has been. Sanna was wearing thick black- rimmed eyeglasses and a long flowery skirt, she looked kind of a silly Sally because she usually is smart and strict like Siberia in winter. Cold, man!

I dealt my medicines and listened to Elise make some noise. She wanted to go to the gym (Francanians go to the gym or public swimming pool on Tuesdays) but she didn't have proper shoes, and the councellors told them that she can't go to the gym wearing dirty torn socks, and she just bitched and moaned and raised a hell, started throwing her bags and finally stomped upstairs to find some shoes. And she is older than me!

I told Sanna about the current problems in my life;

1. I have lost my ability to have wonderful experiences. About a year ago I was walking in the countryside, and I saw things; mushrooms growing, silly ducks swimming and hay swinging in the wind. A FLOW experience is what I called it. But nowadays when I go for a walk, I feel anxious, get thirsty, my feet start to hurt and I have to pee and I wish to get into my apartment soon.

2. I have lost my ability to write like I put my heart into it. I read some of my old diaries from 2005- 2007 and my skin was crawling for the sheer beauty of how I had put my feelings and experiences on plain paper.
Nowadays I just write, because I have to. I don't care to put value on details, I just feel like I have to write a report about my day. I hate it.

3. And most importantly, I have lost my ability to study. I noticed it when I started studying again.
I know how to read, but I don't know how to, should I say, understand and memorize it. It makes me worried as I want to pass the tests and earn good grades to FINALLY finish high school and apply for the vocational school named Mercuria, that resides right in the neighborhood of my parents. I want to study as a professional librarian and get a job in the metropolitan area and reject my welfare. But if I don't know how to study, how am I able to reach my dreams?

All in all, I have become cynical, common, banal, a grown- up.

Sanna offered me some advice; keep on studying, walking and writing like always but don't expect anything, just let it flow!

I went back to my apartment, thought of cooking some lunch but passed as I wasn't hungry.
Me and Suvi had agreed to meet today at 3 p.m. so we could go to Helsinki for some discreet shopping.
The time was 11 a.m. and I was officially bored. I decided to go to Peijas (not the hospital, the city where the hospital resides) to walk in the comfortable suburban atmosphere before I meet her.

Comfortable my ass! When I had arrived there after a 45 minutes long bus ride, I walked down the street and some redneck dressed as a Gypsy man asked me: "Hey woman, can I take some nude photos of you?"

I should have
1. Spat on him
2. Kicked him into the most sensitive organ a. k. a. COCK
3. Called the police and sue him for sexual harassment
4. Told him off by my own snarky way

I chose option five; I run away. And I hated the male sex more.

I hope the chauvinist men realise that treating women like that they are creating more feminists. Oh well, seems like they have as small brains as their peanut dickies.

And that wasn't the only time when I was harassed today. When I met Suvi and we took the train downtown, a coloured man sitting in the next row of seats in the train started winking and smiling at me and saying in English that we are neighbors. He did that a few times and then he started shouting at me; I was getting ready to bash his skull with my cosmetics bag when a young woman told me that I should stop swinging my legs so that I kicked the row of seats in front of me.

I have restless feet, so I have to move them when I sit. And the shitface should have told me instantly about it, using Finnish- Ugrian language and not just flirt with me. Geez, just how stupid men can get?

And in the Central Railway Station a young man threw a bottle of Coke at me. Well, I grabbed it and returned the bottle to recycling and earned some money from it. Ha- ha.

I bought birthday cards for opethian23 and norsu_neiti, about ten packets of incense sticks and a box of panty liners. I also bought a tofu wiener and started eating it while we were walking to the bus station- as a result I had to take a huge dump when I got back to my apartment. Gee- whizz, I had to grab a bottle of air freshener and spray it in my bathroom to get the stink of shit off.

I had gotten late from my biology class, so I decided to skip it. I'm going to fail biology anyway.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

derkapitan! and G1 Transformers!

In the year 1991 in United Kingdom a special girl was born. She was named Jessica, Hebrew for "God behold". In my opinion she is a sweet, cute, happy and artistic person and shares the interest in the dead cool musical Starlight Express.

Also, on September 17, 1984, an epic cartoon called "The Transformers" aired its first episode, "More Than Meets The Eye Part I." Today marks exactly 25 years from that date. Go do epic things, all ye fellow Transfans.

I have to tell you this; I love you all so much.

My Internet connection is still terribly slow. I think it's a bit "shaken up" due to the move. I better ask my br'er to fix it when he comes for a visit tomorrow.

I have been enjoying my life in the new apartment, I think it's dead cool that you can decide what to eat and when to go sleep! But the only con is the fact that I have a limited budget, and I have to learn to cook all by myself and I have more responsibilities. God, I hate responsibilities!

But one thing I like in living alone is that I can get up in the morning as late as I want! This morning I got up quarter past ten, ate some toast with hazelnut- chocolate spread and did all the morning routines as I usually do.

After I had prettied myself up and eaten some oatmeal for breakfast, I flopped back to my bed and took a looooooong nap. I woke up when Noora called me from Franca, and told me that they had checked my room and noticed that there's still dust bunnies on the floor and blood on the bathroom walls ("Actually it's hairdye", I corrected) so I should clean it up again. Well, I thought, I might as well pay them a visit as I had to take a few copies of a paper I had to take to the Social Security Institution today. So up I got, put on my boots and kitty hoodie and terrorist scarf and off I went to the crisp autumn air, yawning a lot.

When I stood on the door of my room, I realised that I hated it. There's too little room in the cupboards, the bathroom walls are coloured like shit and the wash basin is too small. I did my best, scrubbed the floor and hoovered the worst dust bunnies and actually tried to scrub the hairdye stains from the walls, but I think they have been stuck on them too long so I gave up.

I took a few copies of the paper I mentioned, and went off to the Social Security Institution. The paper I got is talonkirjaote, a form that has the basic information about my apartment, I need it to receive housing benefit.

I had to wait for eight turns before my turn came. Meanwhile I listened to the radio, where some old dudes were talking about Finnish grammar and how other languages has affected it. The subject I hate the most even though I am a very cunning linguist, it's just that I feel there's no pining over how Finnish language has changed over the years. After all our noble language is not some sort of relic that should be stored in a museum, our language is like a tool we use daily so it's bound to "suffer" some changes.

When my turn came, I gave the receptionist the paper. She asked me whether I had included the rental agreement in the application for housing benefit. I sweated slightly and said yes, I have (Goddamnit, I just can't remember!). But if there's a problem, I can sort it out for sure.

I went to see Laura, my neighbor and another person who lived in Franca, and asked her to loan me some money. The problem is when I first moved here, I had absolutely no money. It was because (I can't remember if I had already written about this) but in the beginning of this month I had received a disasterous cellphone bill as I had forgotten to pay last month's bill, and along with it came this month's bill. It was approximately 118,24 € in total, and then I had to pay my Internet bill and reload my traveller's card- I had 30 euros left and it was quickly used up. I had lended some money from Suvi, but I had spent it too. Don't get the wrong idea, I had not been using my money irresponsibly. It's just that when you're living alone and you want to have plenty of nutritious food and good hygiene, you have to use lots of money. Blah, social security money is not for people who want to lead a healthy life.
Alright, I lended ten euros from Laura and promised to pay her back when I receive my benefit next Tuesday, and she trusted it. I spent some time in her apartment, it's very stylish but a bit unorganized. She burned some incense that made my clothes smell too, I bounced up and down on her sofa and asked her questions about independent living not that she has lived alone longer than me. I also asked her why she didn't move together with her boyfriend Viljami, who also lived in Franca along with me and her. Laura told me that she doesn't want to rush things, she and Viljami live apart for a while and see how things cook up. La di da.

I washed some laundry, it's a delight how quickly I learned to use the washing machine and the tumble dryer. It sucks that I broke my clotheshorse today.

Later I went to meet my mom in the mall, we were supposed to shop for some useful stuff for my apartment.

Here are the things we bought:

:> Vileda mop for wood and laminate floors (I have laminate floors and I continuously dream of wooden floors)
:> A kitchen knife ("Oh la la what a knife" was what I said to my mom)
:> A saucepan
:> A frying pan

Mom was getting tired, so she left for home and I took my new belongings to my apartment.

I still have loads of things to buy; a hoover, an electric kettle, a toaster, a bowl for salad and about five smaller bowls for soups etc. and a mold for casseroles and all that. I also need some furniture like a sofa bed, a kitchen table and a few chairs, lamps and curtains.

I cooked some rice and vegetables for lunch and went off to shop for groceries. I bought toast, milk and Scotch tape that smells lovely and a butt load of chocolate. I also visited the library and the art museum, and I must say it's really nice that I am not employed yet so I can visit museums every single day.

I minded my own business until it was time to go to school. I have maths on Mondays and Wednesdays, and I had skipped past two lessons due to my suicidal angst.
I had been thinking of quitting the maths class, but then I decided to try out my new attitude that is not to give up anything! But when I tried to solve the calculations I realised that no matter how I study, I can't understand a thing about the calculations.

I excused myself from the class and went to see the headmaster. We had a nice talk, and after that I went to the mall to kill time.

Right now I'm back at my apartment, it's dark outside and I have no other lights that the lamp above the stove, the light in the hall and my bedside lamp. I can't wait until I get the curtains and lamps.

My back hurts from writing, my head hurts from lack of food, and I guess I have to go sleep quite soon.

I have to tell you again that I am sorry for writing about killing myself and all that. But I guess I just need some time to adjust into this new situation in my life, that is living alone.
But I want to thank you all for standing by my side and letting me cry against your shoulders, and all in all putting up with my wangst.

And to the random passers- by who are not putting up with my wangst; my journal. MY RULES.

Hey everybody, look at me, I wrote a poem.

A place in Heaven by Miia P. Ylitalo

I have forgotten the sunlight seeping through rowan leaves
I have forgotten the raindrops on a rose
I have forgotten the sapphire blue days of December
I have forgotten the taste of the sweetest clementine.

Incense won't bring solace anymore.

I don't know whether the sun shines anymore, I don't know whether the rain comes pouring down.
There's a rocky road before me.

The place in Heaven is still left empty.

Look, I'm sorry for all the awful things I said. Sometimes it just gets to me, or whatever the bloody impression is.
But I want to thank you all for boosting my self- esteem being such wonderful friends ♥

I moved into the new apartment on a sunny Saturday. My parents helped me, they had rented a van into which we loaded my belongings and drove them about a mile away; but we didn't survive the move without shedding lots of blood, sweat and tears and cursing.

My mom bought me a plastic bag full of groceries, but my fridge still seemed a bit empty. Not to mention I was completely broke; on September 4th my money had been spent when I had forgotten to pay the cellphone bill last month, and I received a bill of 118,24 euros demanding both fees from August and this month. Then I also had to reload my traveller's card and pay my Internet bill, and I was left with 30 euros which I had to use for the move.
I called Suvi and she agreed to loan me 50 euros, bless her. We agreed that I would pay back the next time I receive money, on 22nd day this month. I really hate loaning money, but I don't feel like starving to death or getting food stamps.

I really hate living on benefits, but that's what I get from quitting my high school and not being hard- working enough to get employed. But I blame my mental illness for that. If I'm motivated enough, I will finish my studies in the night school, start studying as a librarian and perhaps finish my first novel.

On Saturday I basically felt lonely and bored. I put my belongings on their places, cooked spaghetti that ended up al dente like always when I cook, took a warm shower, visited a new art show made of AWESOME and also the library, lended some books, surfed on the Internet and noticed that for some reason, in my new apartment the Internet connection is slower than in Franca. I guess the new surroundings have kind of shaken it up, luckily my br'er will visit my parents next Thursday, I better ask him to do something about it.

In the evening I was feeling so bored I decided to go sleep early. I kept on waking up during night, feeling scared. I was sure that Samara Morgan was going to get me, and once I woke up to the feeling that my stomach was roaring for food.

But at least I saw some dreams; most of them were typical dreams to me, like when I ran through a crowded city buck- naked, desperately searching for clothes before someone would see me. In another dream I was moving around my home area, it was a beautiful sunny day and I was cycling, without any care in this world. In another dream I was being bullied in school by the same people who attended grade school with me.
InanotherdreamIwasgangrapedbyhandsomethugsandIlovediteventhoughIwasasleepinthedream. In another dream I crashed a mall, and in another dream I led the Autobots to free children from being inhumanely used as testing subjects by a mysterious organisation- Optimus Prime didn't attend as he was blind drunk. I didn't have dreams of loosing my teeth, or flying like a bird. What would Freud say?

I woke up to the auriginous sunshine and noticed that Samara Morgan had grown bored of standing beside my bed and creeped away to harass someone else. I got up, checked my e- mails, made my bed, brushed my teeth and took a shower, dressed up into clean clothes and cooked some oatmeal.

I took a morning walk, and returned home to take a nap. And it was such a long nap; I got up and went to see Suvi in Louhela.

She gave me the 50 euros I had asked for, and we went shopping to Siwa, a grocery shop that is open on Sundays. I bought some more food, and then we returned to my apartment.

We snapped photos of each other, and I made Suvi a cup of Emperor's Bride. We minded our own business until we went to see Suvi's aunt who lives in Louhela.
She is very old, but also very, very smart and able to say the right things in the right places.

Later I returned to my own apartment, and soon I'm off to wash laundry. I'll update later, and when I get my computer fixed there be photos!