Sometimes I feel as if writing would be a good way to express my feelings, but just like with talking, I am lost for words.
Sometimes I think that if I didn't have such fucked up brain chemistry which makes my mind even more twisted and insane, I would be happy for most of the time.
Today would have been happy, too, if it wasn't for the past week coming to haunt me; the way a fanfiction I read triggered me, when me and my friend had a fight, and my mother's occasional coldness towards me.
I have felt a sense of dissociation. I feel as if I am a fictive character living inside someone else's mind, sometimes I even feel as if I have forgotten how I look, the shape of my face, the color of my hair, things like that.
Why can't I be happy?
How many pills do I need to pop, how many therapy sessions do I need until I am happy?
I want to be happy, it's the meaning of my life, to be happy.
How can I become happy? What do I need to do to become happy?
I want to be happy right now! Someone please give me happiness!
Over- eating chocolate didn't make me happy. I know that a healthy, balanced diet makes you feel good, but I cannot afford healthy food.
I know that money doesn't bring happiness, but I need money to pay my rent and water bill, keep my fridge stocked, and buy books, ice cream and movie tickets, and they make me happy.
Does it seem like I am rambling? I am. For days now, I have been rambling, tumbling, skittering, like the leaf I have watched the wind gust across the street. I am the lead and the wind is my feelings.
When I have faced troubles in my life, I have been told that it gets better. It's been 26 years now and I am still waiting for it to get better.
What should I do?
It's late evening now, should I just sleep away all the pain and hope that everything is better tomorrow? It's another holiday tomorrow, all the places I have enjoyed going will be closed; my friends are too busy to see me, everyone will be celebrating Easter somewhere else, and my parents' wouldn't exactly be pleased if I visit them again, my mom has already said that zie doesn't like me visiting them so often. And now that I am in this condition, I don't want to stay inside my own home all day.