Mii- Mii the ever- loving 🌼💗‿💗🌼 (kattidya) wrote,
Mii- Mii the ever- loving 🌼💗‿💗🌼

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I can smell a pinch of hope.

I had a dream where I was being treated in a mental ward in Peijas hospital, it’s one of my most reoccurring dreams. I knew I had been admitted there because of my suicidal tendencies, and I worried how my parents would react.
Then I had one of my also most reoccurring dreams; I rode my bicycle into a part of Vantaa I have never been before. Then I had the usual erotic nightmares, and ss usual after having erotic nightmares, I woke up with a wet vulva.

I got up, took my morning medicine, and went back to bed to write my diary. Later the morning, or actually afternoon, I brushed my teeth, took a shower and washed my hair, anointed my face and body with basic lotion, put on clothes and started wondering about what to do for the rest of the day.

I decided to call my mother and ask her if I can come over to wash laundry; my washing machine still works, but I have nowhere to hang them to dry. The drying room is being repainted and I don’t own a drying rack, because the last one broke as they usually do.
Mom said it was okay, she didn’t sound as upset as she usually does when I announce that I am coming over.

I put the laundry into a big plastic bag, and caught the bus 55 to Raappavuori.

Both of my parents were home. I already knew how to operate the washing machine, and after the program was done, me and my mother took the laundry to their drying room.

I brewed coffee and nommed some of the blueberry crumb cake my mother had bought, it was delicious. I also tried to update my LiveJournal, wondering if the outage was over or if it had been another doxxing, but the Internet connection at my parents’ home doesn’t work very well.

I decided to go back home so I took the bus 530 to Myyrmäki, once home I washed some of the laundry that can be hung on the radiator. I knew I also should do a complete housecleaning; hoover and mop the floor (there are bits of fake leather all over the floor from the pants I wore yesterday, and stains from accidentally spilling milk on the floor), swab the writing desk and kitchen counter (there are coffee stains everywhere), wash the dishes, dust the carpet (something I haven’t done for a month now) and wash even more laundry (those that can be hung on the radiator to dry).

I managed to hoover and mop the floor, and decided to call it quits.

It was a complicated situation; I knew I should have done housework, nothing was preventing me from doing it. I had enough time before bedtime, I had nothing else to do, and so on. The only thing that prevented me was that the delusions bothered me every time I tried to work; when I surfed on the Internet, I felt safe and cozy, and when I got off my laptop and started working, I felt the delusions get worse. It was tough; I knew I shouldn’t have wasted the whole day by visiting the same sites I have visited many times before, and that I should have tidied my apartment, but it was causing me distress both ways; when I worked, I felt bad, and when I didn’t work, I felt bad for not working. It was tearing me apart.

Finally I gave up and called my mother, asking her if I can come over, she said it was okay but I knew it wasn’t.

The next thing to do was to decide if I should take the bus or ride my bicycle to Raappavuori. I didn’t feel like hauling my bicycle up and down the stairs, and the physical exertion I get from exercise makes the delusions worse. But then again, I felt like if I took the bus, I would be harassed by someone in the bus stop or in the bus.
Walking was out of question too, my boots were already falling apart, and the physical exertion and being in a public place also made me feel anguished.

I can’t see why I make such a big fuss about trivial things like that. There are other people who go outside every day, ride buses and bicycles and wear miniskirts, nothing bad is happening to them.
I don’t see why I am constantly aware and afraid of being harassed; I have been harassed many times, but very rarely, and it had had nothing to do with my clothes or something like that. And besides, why should I give a flying fuck about some douchebag with mommy issues? It’s their problem, not mine.

I took the bus 55 to Raappavuori. Once there, I wondered why the door to my parents’ home was locked, and why my mother’s wallet and my father’s tablet were in their bedroom? When I called my mother earlier, she didn’t say anything about that. Later they came home, mom told me they had been bicycling.

I made coffee and ate a piece of salmon fillet for supper. Later the evening me and my mother fetched my laundry from the drying room.

I took the bus 530 to Myyrmäki, once home I took my evening medicine. I didn’t feel like doing housework or doing the evening routines, but I forgave myself.

I kept on quarreling with the delusions; over the decade, the delusions have been realistic people, mostly men, who say hurtful, abusive and/or misogynistic things about me, such as make fun of me because of a mistake I have done, or clothes I am wearing. Some of them sound angry, almost furious, and some of them sound like everything is a big joke to them.
I usually quarrel with them aloud, that is, talk to myself like mentally ill people usually do. I try to argue with them to silence them. It never helps, but at least it has made me verbally talented.

I have nothing else to write about this day; now that I have finished my “real life” report, I will write the “pathos” later. Stay tuned.
Tags: real life
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