It’s just that the delusions have been bothering me more than usual, and that’s why I have been angry. It’s the delusions that control my feelings.
My therapist suggested that it could be my caffeine addiction, I have been without coffee for a couple of days. She also suggested acupuncture and other alternative New Age treatment.
I had to take tranquillizers to calm down; on Monday I took four of them and almost fell asleep on my feet, but I still felt angry. Yesterday when I came home from the therapy session, I fell asleep and had nasty dreams about maggots and flies.
I also had a dysphoria considering my clothes; I had worn Dirndl dresses for a week, so I felt like wearing something else. Pink- striped pyjama overalls looked ridiculous, my pink Zombie Girl shirt was so transparent you could see my brassiere, my green- striped dress was too short and the Mickey Mouse- patterned leggings also looked ridiculous.
I wish I had the guts to dress however I want, but considering that I grew up in a misogynistic society which taught me that women deserve to be harassed if they don’t make themselves invisible around men, and also my own paranoid mind-set.
This morning I woke up early, and I felt that today would be better than yesterday because I had received money. You can keep your Marxist ways, money makes me happy.
I got up, took my morning medicine and took a shower. I wore my dark blue Dirndl dress and a stripy blouse.
I logged in to my online bank account, I had received 100 euros. I knew that Kaija, the social worker who is responsible for my finances, has gone crazy again. It’s always the same; when I receive more than 80 euros a week, my mediation account soon goes below zero, and then I have to make do for 50 a week until it’s balanced, and then it’s me who gets the blame. I better call her tomorrow.
I didn’t feel like waiting for the bank to open, so I went to withdraw the money at a cash machine.
I went to Citymarket in Myyrmanni shopping center, and bought satsumas, tomatoes, milk, rye bread, toast, canned tuna, and also a pair of black Sloggi Maxi panties, a pair of black cotton tights, and two pairs of black brassieres.
Once back home, I put the groceries into the fridge and the underwear into the laundry basket.
Me and Suavecita had agreed to go to Helsinki today, I didn’t remember whether it was at noon or at one pm, but it was still early so I had enough time to wash two loads of laundry and also wash the dishes.
I took the I train to Helsinki, once there I decided to go to Kiasma and sit in the hall, writing into my diary. I called Suavecita and told her to come to Kiasma to meet me.
She arrived later, and we went to eat lunch in Lucha Loco. We took the tram number 10 to Erottaja, fortunately the restaurant wasn’t closed as it usually is when we go there.
We went to the taco buffet, I ate 8 tacos and Suavecita had 11. She gave me a Monster High necklace she had bought from a flea market. Thank you!
We walked to Garageland, I bought two pompom hairclips. Then we walked to Iso- Roba and visited a thrift shop, I found many lovely vintage dresses.
We walked along Freda and visited another thrift shop, but I didn’t find anything from there.
We visited Kamppi and went to Cybershop, where Suavecita bought me two of those “lock balls” or whatever they are called, the piercing ring in my right ear had lost them both.
We went to sit down on a bench, and Suavecita fastened the lock balls into the piercing ring. It all happened in a few seconds, I was amazed.
We visited a few more shops and then travelled to Vantaa on the P train, I got off at Martinlaakso because I was going to visit my parents to fetch the monthly allowance.
I didn’t feel like walking all the way to Raappavuori, so I took the bus 571 there even if there was only one bus stop between. I was already feeling tired.
Dad was home, I took the money and made a cup of coffee. Then I hugged and kissed dad and told him to take care.
I took the bus 565 to Myyrmäki, and went to Ärrä to load my travel card. I also went to the stationery shop to buy some cards.
Once back home, I was feeling a bit manic after having such a busy day, but I did the evening routines and took a warm shower, so I calmed down enough to go to sleep.
Tomorrow I will have an appointment with my nurse at the psychiatric clinic at two o’clock in the afternoon.