I woke up when it was still dark. I had had a nightmare where one of my grade school classmates bullied me in my home yard, the boy who never did anything bad to me except some light- hearted jokes.
I lied in my bed, staring at the ceiling with bloodshot eyes because I didn’t feel like closing them so I wouldn’t have the nightmare again.
I fell back asleep and had a dream where I lived in under a bridge in a small storage room. It was a nice dream, somehow.
In another dream my parents had gone for a vacation to the USA and left me with another family whom I didn’t know, and they treated me indifferently and barely looked at me. When I told them I have to go back to my own home, suddenly they decided to not to give me up because they wanted someone to treat indifferently.
Their house was nice, an old wooden cottage with lots of pillow forts, hatches, stair cases, and piles of hand- drawn Xmas cards.
When I finally got rid of the family, I went to a cycling trip in Martinlaakso and wondered where all the business parks, factories, and art nouveau apartment houses had sprung up, and where all the forests had gone. For some reason it reminded me of Kaisaniemi, a place in Helsinki.
Then I had another erotic nightmare that somehow combined with the absurd and surrealistic dreams I usually have, and I woke up with a burning hot feeling in my vulva. It took a while to regain my composure, get up and waddle to the bathroom to take my morning medicine. I splashed some water in my face and anointed it with lotion.
I decided not to bother with having a wash, or doing housework, or having a breakfast, I just dressed up and went out. At this point, I am becoming so apathetic and indifferent that I simply don’t give a fuck about anything, not even myself. And it’s starting to worry me, I never realized until now how important it is to give even the smallest fuck about trivial things.
I had called my mother and asked her if I can come over today, she said it’s okay but she wouldn’t be home today. She also promised to leave me 20 euros.
I took my own laptop along and went by the bus 574, I didn’t want to risk losing all the energy and lowering my blood sugar by walking or cycling to Raappavuori, even if it’s a short while away, and exercise would do me a world of good.
Once in my parents’ home, I drank coffee and orange juice and ate donuts and cherry tomatoes.
I logged in to my online bank account, and noticed that I had received about 27 euros of tax refund. But of course, it’s better than nothing at all.
I forgot my USB dongle home, so I used my mother's laptop to surf on the Internet, and my own to write my novels and work on today's journal entry.
I decided to go to Helsinki to buy something, I had originally planned to go to the movies to see Hevisaurus but I didn’t feel like up to it.
I read from the timetables that the next bus 421 would leave in 27 minutes, but it arrived almost immediately. There’s two things that cannot be trusted; public transport timetables and weather forecasts.
Once in Helsinki, I didn’t find anything worth my money. It’s so weird, when I have no money I feel the need to buy all kinds of crazy crap (right now I want a Equestria Girls: Rainbow Rocks Sunny Flare doll, and a bottle of banana- scented hair conditioner from BodyShop).
I took the bus 411 to Myyrmäki, went to Myyrmanni shopping center but didn’t find anything worth buying.
Later the day I visited it again, and simply for the sake of buying something, I bought a small round handbag with the picture of the “heart eyes emoji” and two sets of hair accessories; glittery hairbands with small star- shaped pearls, and My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic hair slides with tails made from plastic string, all from Hennes & Mauritz.
Once back home, I felt awful; I was terribly angry even if nothing bad had happened, it was just the delusions bothering me as the do every day. The amount of anger I felt was so horrid that it scared me.
I have noticed that the delusions are tied to my emotions; when I have no delusions, I feel happy, and the happiness I feel helps decrease the delusions. And when something bad happens like someone harasses me, or I lose an important item, or I have my PMS like right now, I get angry and sad and that’s when the delusions get worse.
I took a warm shower and put on a clean nightie, I had taken my evening medicine hours ago but it didn’t calm me down. I don’t want to take tranquilizers because you never know what kind of effect they have.
Tomorrow I will have another hair- washing day, I will also have a therapy session at noon.