Then the dreams turned morbid, I had dreams about Jack’o’lanterns singing One Direction, so I just opened my eyes and bang, I was wide awake.
I was wondering if I should get up, or lie down for a while and write into my diary. I have grown even more fonder of my diary, considering that writing is a good way for me to express my feelings.
This week when I have felt sort of a crisis, I have felt the need to talk to people and call different helplines, but I noticed that talking about things doesn’t help me as much as writing about them.
I don’t want to talk to my friends because I don’t want to burden them with my own troubles.
I cannot talk to my therapist, because she’s even more of a nutcase than me.
The only person I can talk to is my nurse Saija. Sometimes I think she’s something like an angel. Too bad I can only see her once a month.
When I write into my own diary, it doesn’t judge me or make me feel about myself.
It was only half past ten o’clock in the morning, I can’t remember the last time I was up so early.
I took my morning medicine, brushed my teeth, took a shower, dressed up, and then went to visit my parents’ home. They had gone to the Canary Islands for a week. I didn’t even feel like eating a breakfast.
I took the bus 574 to Raappavuori, once in my parents’ home I took along the money they had left for me. I drank too much coffee and ate all their cashew nuts, and cooked a bowl of oatmeal porridge to keep my blood sugar decent.
My right shoulder hurts like hell. I used to feel the pain only when I flexed it, but now it just hurts all the time. I had to go to the pharmacy in the Martinlaakso shopping center and buy a tube of Voltaren gel. I was amazed at how expensive non- prescribed medicines are, I didn’t notice it until now. I think I should visit the health center on Monday and ask my doctor to prescribe me some pills and lotion for the pain.
The thumb of my right hand hurts because when I took a pain killer, I actually poked the underside of my thumbnail with the pill box. The toes of my left foot are stiff, I cannot properly bend them ever since I accidentally kicked the wall in my sleep.
Every now and then I hurt a part of my body, adding to the constant mental pain.
Which reminds me, from January 1st 2016 forward I have to pay the full price for prescribed medicines, and if I pay over 1000 euros during one year, I get a discount; for the rest of the year, I only have to pay a euro and 50 cents for each purchase. I have to buy a new batch of Ketipinor before the counter resets.
I took the bus 421 to Helsinki, Emjuso called on the way and told me that she is going to visit tomorrow and bring my birthday gift. I was so happy for that.
Once in Helsinki, I went from shop to shop wondering what I should buy. I knew I should buy hygiene products from Ruohonjuuri (dish- washing brushes, biodegradable waste bags, scrubbing sponges, and about seven panty liners made from cloth) and BodyShop (face cleaner, and hair conditioner) and Ekolo (they sell Fair Trade hair combs made of sustainable wood) but I didn’t feel like buying anything useful, I felt like wasting all my money on something considerably frivolous, like the Equestria Girls doll I had bought on Wednesday.
I went to Kiasma shop and looked at the notebooks, but they were all a tad bit too expensive. Then my eye was caught by a shopping bag, those that are woven in the form a fishnet from cotton string. I love them but they are hard to find in any shop, I actually ordered one made of jute from an online shop named Tasajako, but never received it.
I took the bus 411 to Myyrmäki, and visited Myyrmanni pharmacy to buy a small bottle of Vicks Sinex nasal spray. It’s one of the non- prescribed medicines I use, because sometimes when I sleep during night I feel hard to breathe through my nose and that’s when I have to use it. I keep it in my bedside drawer.
I also bought a packet of six black plastic combs since I couldn’t afford a wooden comb, and also bought a big carton of milk and a Finnish cucumber.
Once home, I put my stuffs on their rightful places, made some tea and wrote into my diary.
Suavecita called me and we agreed that we are going to hold our birthday party next Saturday. We will both turn 27 years old this month, she on 23rd and me on 28th, but we are going to have the party earlier considering that most of our friends will probably go visit their families on Xmas week.
It will be more like a get- together, people sitting and eating and talking.
I should have done housework today, but I have been away for most of the day and it’s getting late now. I’ll wait until tomorrow and see if my shoulder feels better.
I wish I wasn’t so emotional all the time. I have very strong feelings about everything, and it’s wearing me down.
But of course! It’s my mental illness! That’s the reason behind it!