To be honest, I was scared about how angry I felt. I wasn’t scared about the delusions; I was scared about the anger it caused. I have been taught to associate anger with evilness, and it took me years to learn that anger, like all feelings, whether positive or negative, are necessary.
In the evening, about at eight o’clock, I gave up and went to bed.
I have suffered from depression & schitzo- affective for a decade now.
I still remember December 2005 when I was a sophomore in Hämeenkylä high school, and had to tell my homeroom teacher that I can’t come to the annual Xmas party in the aforementioned school because my delusions and panic attacks prevented it.
Nowadays I can attend parties and meet my friends and such, but I can barely take care of myself because of my delusions. I am writing this because of my frustration; I could barely commit myself to tidying up my apartment properly because I felt so out of focus.
I had pretty nice dreams, and slept very well except in the morning I woke up feeling a bit uncomfortable, no matter how I twisted my arms and legs I still couldn’t find a proper reclining position.
I got up at midday, took my morning medicine, put on my purple Dirndl dress and a pink Zombie Girl shirt.
I scrolled through Tumblr and Facebook, and didn’t bother with morning routines.
I decided to go see my parents straight away, at least I would get coffee & sympathy.
I caught the bus 571 to Raappavuori, on my way there I called my mother and told her I am coming over. She said it’s okay.
Once in my parents’ home, I drank some coffee, ate an avocado and some cashew nuts.
Mom combed my hair and told me I look pretty, and she said that my hair has grown so long that soon it can be braided. I joked that meanwhile I can braid my leg hair.
I was feeling good, usually when I go visit my parents I don’t really feel like anything, but this time I felt good. It was amazing. My mom was happy, my dad was happy, I was happy.
Later the day I went back home, and continued doing housework. I washed two loads of laundry, then I scrubbed the stains on the bathroom floor with a cream cleaner, and then I had to scrub the cleaner off the bathroom floor with a floor mop.
Well hello, I felt my good ole friend PMS returning. I decided to go for a walk before the dusk fell, and I left the balcony door and kitchen window open to let fresh air in.
The temperature was well above zero, it was raining slightly, and I stomped my way to Martinlaakso with my nose full of snot, but managed to calm down.
I remembered that I needed to buy some more groceries, so I decided to visit Alepa in Martinkeskus, the old shopping center. I bought a bag of avocados and a litre of milk, and wondered why I was buying more fod, considering my poor appetite.
I also bought two iced espressos, and a bar of Marabou chocolate. They didn’t have Marabou Japp, the one with fudge bits, but I think Marabou is good as well.
I used to love Fazer chocolate, back then when I lived in Kitlerinrinne I used to eat two bars a day, but nowadays I prefer Marabou. It’s softer and the taste is milder.
I took the bus 565 to Myyrmäki and visited Myyrmanni shopping center just before it would be closed for the day. I went to the stationery shop and bought a new notebook and two pens with purple ink that can be erased, I had two of them and they were out of ink by now.
I also bought 1st class postage stamps, approximately twenty of them. In February, there will be plenty of birthdays and also Valentine’s day, so I need to send a gazillion cards.
Once back home, I felt a bit nauseous after drinking six bottles of iced espresso, so I went to the bathroom to barf, and felt better after that. Weirdly enough, I didn’t even feel the delusional any more.
I took out the recyclable waste, carton and paper and metal; then I took my newly bought notebooks to my own storage room downstairs. I had bought about ten new ones in the past month, but I didn’t feel like taking them to the storage room right away.
Then I washed a third load of laundry, and considering that the drying rack was already full, I took them to the drying room downstairs.
I also swabbed my writing desk, marked some important dates into my new calendar, and wrapped up a gift for Carol Anne. A while ago she messaged me that she has posted off my Valentine’s day package, I should post her a package as well but I always find some other stuff to send her before I manage to send the rest of them, tee hee. I love her so much.
I set my smartphone to ring at nine o’clock tomorrow morning, I have an appointment in the health center at quarter past ten o’clock and I need to take a shower and brush my teeth before that, make myself look presentable. Tomorrow is a hair- wash day as well.
The appointment will be a routine check- up. I have to ask them to prescribe me some lotion for the itchy eczema on my right wrist, and talk about nutrition and exercising and other health stuff like that.
My ASPA worker Kaarina will visit me at half past two o’clock in the afternoon. Between those two appointments, I should do the rest of the housework; swab the kitchen counter, re- arrange my artefacts, hoover and mop the floor from under the furniture, take the carpet out for dusting, and I can wash the dishes while Kaarina is visiting me.
As for the rest of the day, I will probably go to Girls’ House.