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15th Apr, 2016

I cried last night when I recalled my childhood. I didn’t exactly have a childhood too harsh, but some parts of it were harsh, the leukaemia and being bullied. But now I feel better and I don’t even understand what I cried about, because seriously, when you count both the good and bad things, my life is so awesome right now.
I want to be sweet, kind, loving, gentle, forgiving, positive and optimistic, but still be able to speak my mind and stand up for myself. And I know I am able to do that.

This morning was like all the past mornings during this week; I woke up in the small hours and felt like I wouldn’t get any sleep. I took my morning medicine and went back to bed, and slept like a sweet baby all the way to, well, later the morning.
I got up later, and had a proper wash. I flossed and brushed and rinsed, washed my face with cleaning milk and dabbed Nivea Crème on it, took a short shower and dabbed lotion on my body. I also dabbed Apolar cream on my right wrist because my eczema is surfacing again.
I put on clothes and jewellery; a dress (1980’s Marimekko, pastel yellow and red and mint green stripe- like square pattern, with t- shirt sleeves and a rounded neckline, scrunched waist, the hem reaches my knees. Bought from the Salvation Army flea market in Iso- Myyri shopping center) and a necklace (purple velvet necklace, pendant with a drawing of Clawdeen Wolf from the cartoon Monster High. I received it from my best friend Suavecita).

I went to the health center, and waited approximately for two hours for my turn to the nurse on call.
There was a television bolted to the wall in the waiting room, there was a TV show about a Victorian detective named Murdoch. Today's episode was about Carrie Nation, whom I admire.

I explained the nurse that I need an appointment with my doctor, because I want to receive some sort of prescribed treatment for my inflamed scalp.
I got an appointment on May 17th, at half past ten o’clock in the morning. It’s a tad bit too early, but better early than never. Now that I think about it, I should also go to allergy tests.

It was quite chilly outside, but the sun shone. I went to the marketplace, there was an old man selling clothes from a car boot. I bought a new dress for tenner, it looks a bit like the 70’s Marimekko dress that I bought yesterday; A- line, sleeveless, the hem reaches my mid- shin, it has vertical purple and green stripes and small white and blue flowers. It looks a bit like the clothes for sale in the Estonian Sadamarket where I usually go when visiting Tallinn.

Then I went to Myyr York shopping center, looking for a birthday card for Viltsu who has his birthday on Saturday, the same as Lynne.
I went to the library, and borrowed the Lord of the Rings trilogy in one book, and the book The Hunger Games. I have tried reading both, but the movies are more interesting. I also borrowed two graphic novels; Sherlock Holmes and the Hound of Baskervilles and Deadpool VS. Carnage. It’s ever so nice seeing Shezzer’s chin and Deadpool’s purdy mouth.

Once back home, I washed two loads of laundry, including the new dress.
Almost every single one of my leggings (not the fancy ones, but the red and purple ones I wear during cold weather) has a tear in the crotch. I better take them to the dressmaker’s, I don’t feel like throwing them away and paying for new ones.

I received two bills in the mail; one was the payment for my membership card to the Friends of Kiasma, 35 € for one year. Another was when I had my Internet connection fixed and my virus protection updated, 91 €.
I know that the social office won’t pay them, so I have to pay them with my own money. I can most likely afford paying them all by myself.
I already have a Museum Card, but with the Kiasma card I am able to get discount from the Kiasma Café and Shop, and I plan on buying lots of gifts for friends and notebooks for myself.

I went out again, this time I went to the social office and printed out my account statements. I filled out a request for income support, here’s to hoping it will be approved.

I took the bus to Martin Valley and went to the parish. There is some sort of an after- school club for children, they were making lots of noise and screaming and shouting.
There was another person who needed help from the parish, she had a dog who gave me doggy kisses and hugs.

I explained the parish worker that I needed support for recharging my gym & swim hall cards at the local municipally owned fitness center. The parish worker told me that I could try this private gym chain named 24Seven, there’s one in Myyr York shopping center.
Buying a membership card costs 19,90 euros and the monthly cost is the same amount. I think that’s a very reasonable price.
I received a voucher for recharging my swim hall membership card, I will use it tomorrow.

I took the bus to Molehill and went to the shopping center. I was supposed to meet Elyseé and Emjuso and Tintin, they were waiting for me in Corner.
We had fun laughing and talking together, we took a few friendship selfies and then we went to a thrift store named Bella’s. I found all kinds of amazing stuff, jewellery like necklaces and earrings, accessories like hair bobbles, clothes like a tank top and pants and a dress. I also found a pair of nifty nail clippers, and a small nail varnish bottle that could make a neat artefact; I don’t use nail varnish. I made a mental note to come back tomorrow to buy them.

We went to my home, had tea that tasted like strawberry smoothie, talked and laughed a lot. Later the day my friends had to leave, I hugged them and told them to take care and that I would see them later.

I had had a good time today, but there was one little downside in it; I became exhilarated to the point to being manic, and I had to take two tranquilizers to calm myself down. They made me feel like I was drowsy on the inside, and nervous and twitchy on the outside.

I felt as if a knife was cutting into me, not exactly stabbing, but cutting. I felt as if my soul had been torn away from my body.
OK, now I am being too dramatic. It’s just that I am a very sensitive person.

I wondered if I should go for a walk, but it would have been dangerous because I started feeling moody and frustrated because of the delusions I had, and it would turn out that I would throw a tantrum in a public place far away from my own home and attack someone physically.

I called my mother and asked her if I can come over. She said I could, she was at a library at that moment but my dad would be at home.

I considered riding my bicycle to my parents’ home, but I decided to take the bus. Physical exertion in a public place while being delusional equal big trouble.
When I waited for the bus, I kept on pacing rapidly and flailing my arms, like I was fighting an invisible enemy. I kept on re- living a bad memory over and over again like watching a film inside my head, and it kept on warping and distorting.

Nevertheless, I took the bus to Plaster and made it to my parents’ home, dad was there and later mom arrived in unusually high spirits. We talked about things and stuff, I ate some cheesy puffs and green grapes and drank two cups of coffee.

Later the day I took the bus to back Molehill, and went to Myyr York shopping center for some discreet window shopping.
I visited Citymarket and noticed a gift bag patterned with wood anemones. It reminded me of Mother’s day; in Finland it is celebrated in May, and that’s when wood anemones start blooming. That’s why the aforementioned flower has become a symbol for Mother’s day, the same that red rose is to Valentine’s day, pumpkin is to Halloween, and holly is to Christmas.
I decided to buy the gift bag as soon as possible. Citymarket also sells “World’s Best Mother!” coffee mugs, I have always wanted to buy one for my mother. She could also like a brand of Fazer chocolate named Geisha, which is a chocolate confection filled with nougat.

Once back home, I felt better somehow.

I ordered some stuff from CDON, the book Stargirl for a friend and the CDs Vulnicura by Björk and Scare Force One by Lordi.

Tomorrow I will go to my parents’ home to collect my monthly allowance, I think I will ride my bicycle if the weather is favourable and I feel calm enough.
I will go to the nearest Ärrä to recharge my travel card, and then I will go shopping.

Comments

( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
aliens
15th Apr, 2016 18:20 (UTC)
i'm sorry you went through those things as a child and it's fine to cry! *hugs*
kattidya
18th Apr, 2016 17:38 (UTC)
Thank you, sweetheart :3 *hugs back* Yes, even if my life is mostly awesome right now, sometimes the demons of the past won't leave me alone.
aliens
18th Apr, 2016 18:51 (UTC)
*more hugs*

i'm glad your life is good and that you're in a happy place now though - that's really important! <3 but i definitely understand what you mean; some things haunt us no matter how many years pass :(
kattidya
17th May, 2016 14:17 (UTC)
Yes, but that's just life. The only way time goes is forward, and I better focus on the amazing things in life :3c
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )

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kattidya
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