I managed to sleep well, this time I didn’t wake up in the small hours.
I didn’t feel like having a wash, I just threw on some clothes (a dress made of black knitted squares and a black shirt with a picture of a heart- shaped daisy chain), took my morning medicine, and then looked at the bus timetables; I was going to visit my mother, she was going to give me the monthly allowance.
Once in a bus stop, a gentle old lady asked me worriedly what happens when you forget your cellphone into the recharger. I thought about it and then reassured her that it won’t harm your cellphone if you forget it for, say, one day. We talked a bit and then our bus arrived.
Once in my parents’ home, my mom told me she hadn’t withdrawn the money yet, I said it’s okay. Dad was fitting on a tuxedo, he told me that he will receive some sort of a medal next week. I was so proud of him, he looked so handsome in his tux!
Later the afternoon mom and asked me to accompany her to the old mall, she was going to withdraw the monthly allowance for me and go grocery shopping.
It was really chilly outside, and the sky was enveloped in thick grey clouds. I regretted going out in my kitty hoodie and without gloves; it’s spring, not summer yet even if some days have been really warm.
I noticed that there was a woman about my age, she looked like a regular person but she kept on screaming insults at everyone, such as an old man in a wheelchair and a young woman in hijab. She didn’t physically assault anyone, she just yelled her head off. I was worried that she would yell something at my mother, but she went to the opposite direction than my mother.
I thought that the woman was probably some sort of a poor unfortunate soul; then again, it’s not justified to yell at people like that, but not everything that happens in this world is justified.
This time mom gave me 90 euros. I went to Ärrä to recharge my travel card, and then I walked to the new mini- mall where I bought two bars of Marabou Japp chocolate and two bottles of Frezza Mocca coffee.
I took the bus to Myyrmäki, and went to the stationery shop to buy a birthday card for a friend, and then I went to the flea market named Bella’s to buy a pair of pants (knee- length cotton shorts, peachy pink with mint green details), a tank top (olive green with black polka dots and the word “journey” spelled in cursive with rhinestones), and a pair of hair bobbles (hand- made silk flowers with wooden buttons in the shape of ladybugs).
Once back home, I took a huge dump, put my new belongings to their rightful places, washed a load of laundry, opened the balcony door and kitchen window to let fresh air in, replaced the towels, stripped my bed of sheets, put the blanket and pillow and mattress into the balcony, washed my hair in the wash basin in bathroom, cut my fingernails, popped the pimples on my chin, took the bed linen and towels downstairs to the drying room, ate some chocolate, stuff like that.
Soon it was evening, and I didn’t know what to do.
It’s always the wanderlust, the thirst for experiences. If I stay inside my home for many hours without any plans about going outside, I start feeling anxious and nervous.
I should learn to feel content in my own home, without the need to go someplace else.
I decided to go out for a little urbane adventure. I took my diary and magic ink pens along and put on my winter coat and a thicker scarf.
I took the bus 560 to Vuosaari, and visited the shopping center. I have been there a couple of times.
I had an odd sense of déjà vu when I noticed an old man screaming insults at a salesperson.
I went to Tiger and bought a new diary (white with a big red heart on the cover, and black letters spelling out “I’m a small book with a big heart!”), a pocket- sized box of tissues (pink and white stripes), a bum bag (powder blue with a pattern of strawberries and cherries and white polka dots), and a keepsake box (white with a pattern of pea pods and sweet pea flowers).
I took the subway to Sörnäinen, once there I walked around, relishing my memories; my maternal grandparents used to live there before they died, so you can guess I have spent a lot of time there.
I saw lots of amazing shops, but they were all closed for the night. I decided that during summer I am going to visit this small Russian restaurant for a few blinis, and then go to this Jamaican juice bar for a coffee milkshake.
I walked along Hämeentie, all the way to Hakaniemi, and caught the subway to the city center.
I took the bus 421, called my mother on the way and told her I am coming over again to have some coffee with them, and she said it’s okay.
Once in my parents’ home, I created a new Finnish journal; smekkleysa @ blogaaja.fi.
When I was leaving, I accidentally broke the zipper of my winter coat. I was too Zen to let it bother me, because now I can start using the ulster again.
I took the bus 565 to Myyrmäki and went back home. I had some chocolate and took photos.
I feel so good right now, but at the same time I have a strange feeling of “If I do this or that, will someone insult me for it?” But I know that it’s just the paranoia that comes as a side effect from having schizophrenia.
Tomorrow will be a good day, I can feel it.