Mii- Mii the ever- loving 🌼💗‿💗🌼 (kattidya) wrote,
Mii- Mii the ever- loving 🌼💗‿💗🌼
kattidya

Upsetting dreams and an unhappy future

Last night I had upsetting dreams, I almost woke up crying.

I was already awake at half past nine o’clock in the morning, but I continued sleeping till noon.

After getting up, I took my morning medicine and drank coffee and surfed on Tumblr.
Then I took a shower and used the twelve- step Korean skincare regiment. I got dressed into a pair of pants and a striped t- shirt; normally I would have put on a pretty dress, but I didn’t have any clean leggings.

I washed two loads of laundry, and I was hanging them on the drying racks and fighting with my delusions when my care worker came for the weekly appointment.

I didn’t bother with ironing the laundry or washing the dishes, I just talked to the worker about how miserable I have been feeling, and a bit about my unhappy past.
I have come to realize that I have actually never had the kind of time period in my life where I have been happy and content. I have been depressed and anxious ever since my childhood, and no matter how happy I am momentarily, I am always a little bit freaked out and unhappy.
Well, of course I know that no one can be a hundred percent happy and content all the time, but I am barely thirty percent happy at my happiest moments.

After the appointment was over, I left and went to the shopping mall to buy a new red blouse. I also bought a bar of toffee- and- nut chocolate.
I took a bus to downtown, on my way there I started feeling so drowsy that I almost fell asleep on my seat. I don’t know why, I didn’t take a tranquilizer today.

I took a subway to west and went to Girls’ House. I drank a few cups of cocoa and tried to keep my head together.

Later that day I left and took a tram to another part of the town. I went to the Monday Evening Group in Twinkle cafe; I ate a few sandwiches, and a handful of cherry tomatoes and dark grapes, and drank a couple of mugs of cocoa.

Later in the evening I took a tram back to downtown, and then a train to my home town.
My right shoulder has started hurting again, even if I have taken my painkillers.
I went to the shopping mall and bought a plastic jar of biotin supplement for myself. I also went to the stationery shop and bought an Easter card for Hilda.

Once back home, I took the first biotin supplement, and made some tea and supper. In the evening I took my meds, and went to bed.

I have noticed that I no longer enjoy things the way I used to. Just traveling to downtown used to feel like an exciting journey, but nowadays everything feels like nothing at all.
It could be that I am reaching middle age and have already experienced everything, nothing is new anymore. Or it could be a symptom of depression.
Tags: care worker, depression, food, girls house, housework, monday group, real life
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