On Sunday I felt pretty sad; even if my period is over, my delusions are still so bad that it feels like I have PMS every day. The heat wave is driving me crazy, I have to wear revealing clothes every day from preventing my body from boiling itself alive. Each time I expose myself to sunburn and sexual harassment.
In the evening I cried my eyes out, I cried actual tears. Funny thing, I used to cry a lot when I was a child, and I also peed my pants up until I was 12 years old.
I find it rather weird how most people believe that I am a tap- dancing ray of sunshine, when I am actually a bitch queen from hell in my internal life. But then again, I WANT to be happy. And by happy I mean I wish I weren't so depressed and anxious all the time.
On a positive note, I suddenly noticed that I have started loving my body. I know I have a bad posture, flabby arms and a pudgy stomach, but I am no longer "zomg I look ugly" or even "zomg I look gorgeous", I am just "who cares?" I practice body neutrality more than body positivity.
On Monday, my care worker came for the weekly appointment. I had already got up from my bed and taken my morning medicine and put on clothes, but I was taking a depression nap. The meeting was like John Lennon's and Yoko Ono's interview; I just lied under the covers, and talked to her. She was okay with that.
Today was slightly better.
I got up and went to see my mother, she gave me the weekly allowance. I went back home, washed my hair and put on a hair mask, used the twelve- step Korean skincare regiment, put Miniderm on my skin, and got dressed.
I went to Twinkle café today, Mella was there as well. She looked lovely in a yellow- white summer dress. Raija was there as well, she had come home from the hospital. I gave her a birthday and a name- day card because she has them both this month.
I drank cocoa and juice and ate plenty of treats like raspberry cake with whipped cream, meringues, Karelian pies, chocolate kisses... Considering that there were only women present, I did some stretches.
Later that day I hugged everyone and left. I took a tram to downtown and then a train back home.
Mirette was home as well. I did a little bit of this and that, then I went out for errands; I took out a huge pile of trash bags, and then I went to the library. I used the library computer to click all the donation buttons on GreaterGood, and borrowed three books to read during the summer.
I went to the gym, but I didn't bother doing stretches considering that I had already done them during the day- time. Instead, I tried using the crosstrainer, but the physical exertion only made me angry and frustrated. I quit soon and went back home, on my way there I fetched the laundry from the drying room.
Once home, I put all the laundry in a huge pile on a chair, I will sort them out tomorrow. I took off my gym gear and put it in the laundry basket, and took my evening medicine and the last biotin of the day. I wonder if the biotin is working, I have been consuming three of them during the day- time and the only way they have affected is that my eyelashes have grown longer.
I might get some stronger ones from the pharmacy.
Tomorrow will be Helsinki day, I will go to this special museum where they have rooms constructed after working class homes from the past, and the introduction will be made in the dialect / slang that is generally used in Helsinki.
After that, I will go to a group held by the same mental health company as Twinkle cafe; we will meet at a certain subway station in Helsinki, and go for a walk in the forest.
In the evening, I will go to a unicorn- themed café with Mirette.
On Thursday, I will go to all my favourite thrift stores, pick my favorite clothes and ask the shop assistant to set them aside until tomorrow.
In the evening, me and Mirette will go to movies to see Shazam!
On Friday, I will receive money. I will go visit the shops and purchase all the clothes I set aside. As for the rest of the money, I will buy a week's worth of groceries.
In the evening, me and Mirette will go to the sauna.
On Saturday, I will do the weekly housecleaning.
On Sunday, I will go visit my parents. My dad will give me the weekly allowance, I will also call my granny.