January 4th, 2011

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I want to confess my parents that I am a lesbian, but I don't know HOW.

What am I afraid of? Will they start hating me, their own precious daughter, their only daughter? I love them really much and I know they love me too.

But the problem is; after all of my mental ailments and suicide attempts, over- consuming chocolate and my habit of spending my money and then loaning from my parents; is my queerness to much for them? Will they get enough? Good grief, what's the young hussy up to now? Why can't she ever get a grip of herself? Will they stop tolerating my, how should I put it, bohemian attitude and way of life and erase my name from their will?

It's just that that sexuality has always been a taboo in my family. We have no problem talking about violence or drugs, but my mom can't even share her knowledge about menstruation or dating tips. My dad is a dumbass chauvinist and he has no problem commenting bikini models on TV, and that's all about his sex education he has ever shared with me.

But they still love me.

It's tearing me apart.
  • Current Music
    The Beatles - Your mother should know
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I have not updated for a few days, because sometimes I feel a small inferiority complex; I feel like my life is too boring and dull to be written about, after all there are many better bloggers out there. But after all this is my journal and I write what I want!

I received about 101,25 euros worth of "grocery money" today. I made a deal with my social worker Kaisa to send me a solid amount of grocery money each week, our original deal was 90 euros but she sent me a little more as I had a little extra money left from last month.
I decided to deposit the 11,25 euros to my savings account and spend the rest of the money on food, hygiene and candy and all the other basic needs.
As for the savings, I am saving up money to buy Doc Martens boots in April, they cost about 180 euros so if I save 50 euros a month, I might be able to get them in April.
I also need to buy a 40 Valentine's cards, proper Ben Wa balls and lubricant, a new wallet from Day, a proper vegetable grater and a drying rack this month. Well, maybe not this month, but soon anyway. Gah, all I am writing about is spending my money! I better change the subject...

This morning I was getting quite bored; usually the weekly money arrives to my deposit account at 25 minutes to 1 p.m., the time was 10:30 and I was mighty bored.
I was thinking of going for a walk, but then I decided to take a bus somewhere and just sit in the back seat and watch the landscapes slide by. The best kind of therapy.

So, I went to the bus station and took the bus 53 to Peijas, because the trip is long enough and there are lots of nice landscapes on the way.
It was a bright winter day, the sky was clear blue like a sapphire and it was nicely chilly outside.
It was nice sitting in the warm bus and look at the landscapes and just think of things and stuff.
Once in Peijas, I took the same bus back to Myyrmäki, and once there I went to the social office and asked the receptionist to give my broadband bill to my social worker to have it paid.

I went to the cash point and checked out the balance of my account; I had received 101,25 euros, I withdrew 90 euros and went shoppinggg!!!!!!!

I bought food, household paper, hair conditioner and chocolate. After that I went to BodyShop to buy a jar of olive body scrub and then to the pharmacist to buy a tube of Aqualan L basic cream; it is the only kind of body lotion I can use as I have very sensitive skin.
My facial skin is not that sensitive, I can use vegetable- based lotion or other skin- care products without getting rash.

Once back home, I was exhausted from dragging the heavy bags up the Kitler hill. Never minding the bollocks about it, I started cooking a lunchdinner.

The salmon medallions was a fail, and so was the potato mash. I decided to keep on over- consuming chocolate.
I know I promised to teach myself, and after all if I'm cooking for the first time it is doomed to be a fail but I will get better if I try... and all that shite.

I'd like to go to the gym tomorrow, but if I still cough and sniff I might not be able to do some serious work out. It's really a shame, since I want a better figure; flatter stomach and straighter back.

I guess my life is OK right now. Sometimes I can't help wondering where I am going or what should I do, but better just enjoy the ride.
  • Current Music
    Kimya Dawson - Little monster babies