20th January 2011

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Last night I was so wrapped up with my own business that I took my meds at five to nine and went to bed at quarter to midnight. I had spent the evening surfing on Wikipedia and Silent Hill Wiki, learning a thing or two about the fourth game named The Room. I watched some Let's Play videos on YouTube, but after hearing the first random scream I almost jumped out of my skin.

As for my 0.02 cents about the game, I'm not sure if I like Eileen Galvin. I hate it how she just hangs around in her sluttish clothes.

I had a dream I was watching a movie about an unpopular, modest teenage girl who turned into a monstrous fly, as in the movie The Fly. She spewed burning acid on her boyfriend's dad and melted his eyeballs, then she turned into a sexy superhero and did a dance while the end credits rolled.

In another dream, I was still living with my parents. It was Christmas, and I received tons of cards, letters and packages from my friends, at the same time; they were hurled through the mail slot, and my mom gave me two biodegradable plastic bags to stow them away.

In another dream, I was told my friend Jolanda the weirdsister_fis had died of cancer, and I was mighty sad about it. When I woke up, I felt relieved.

I don't know what's worse; to have a bad dream and feel relieved after waking up, or have a good dream and be disappointed after waking up.

I got up at quarter to nine in the morning, but later went to sleep to my made bed wearing my dressing gown.
I had some hypersexual dreams I have only when I'm asleep. I felt really miserable about myself.

I really should get a grip of myself, but as they say, it's easier to go downstairs rather than upstairs in the Great Staircase of Life.

I was thinking if I should stay in bed all day, today wouldn't be interesting enough to be lived through. Then I remembered there would be the home meeting, so I got up, took a shower, ate a tomato and went out to buy chocolate.

Normally I eat a moderately healthy breakfast before going out as I don't want to cause a Creepy Moment to myself, but today I was in a kind of a "Oh what's the use?" mood.

After buying chocolate, I had to go to the bank to withdraw the last 20 euros from my savings.
I have been thinking of not saving money, one way or the other it ends up being spent anyway.
Well, the social office won't give me any money to buy a pair of vegan biker boots in April and neither will my mom, which reminds me that I have to ask my mother to give me money for reloading my traveling card as the social office swindled me yet again. But I don't have the courage.

The snow fell on me like a bridal veil, and I couldn't help thinking how the same snow falls on everyone, whether they are rich or poor, young or old, men or women. As for me, I am a poor, young woman, and I have a strong feeling I am completely alienated from the society.

I visited the library and lent the book Precious by Sapphire, and retrieved another book I had requested, Whip it! by Shauna Cross. I wish I could write as rockin' English as her.

I went back home, to my modern apartment which still smells like fart due to the rotting broccoli in the biological waste basket (I cooked too much broccoli when I last time actually cooked something, and I couldn't manage stuffing my belly with it so I threw it away).

Sometimes I can't help thinking that being dead is quite a nice and comforting thought. I wouldn't try to take my own life anymore, as taking drugs, hanging and getting hit by a train turned out to be a fail in 2007.
But sometimes I just feel that 22 is a mature age to croak, after all sometimes I just feel bored of being alive.
I think of going to sleep, falling asleep and never waking up again. Or cutting my stomach open and feeling the fat seeping out before dying. And there would be no more me again.
In my funeral, my hard- boiled dad would weep along with my brother who always hated me, and all of my junior high bullies in their mink coats and diamond rings would simper how they were my best friends and how I was always nice and lovely and happy and cute and all that fucked up shit.
Lies Lies Lies.

I washed the dishes and washed a load of laundry, trying to get a better hang of everyday life.
I made some lime Jello, and I can't wait to have a taste of it.

I knew the home meeting would start in a few minutes, but I had forgotten where it would be held.
Later someone rang my doorbell; it was Rami, telling me he had a fever and the meeting was canceled, but he quickly checked out my apartment and told me that the next meeting would be held at Janne's.

I was thinking of going for a walk, I felt like my stomach was getting more and more fat. Later when I visited the bathroom, I noticed that my menses had begun, so now I know why I was feeling so bloated.
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