February 11th, 2011


(no subject)

I spent the Wednesday evening surfing on Silent Hill Wikia, sucking up information about human experimenting and looking at weird hentai pictures (thanks, elektro_static), after I had joined ontdcreepy (thanks for recommending me, harpsi_fizz!)

I was feeling pretty pepped up, and after going to sleep I noticed one thing; I wasn't scared. Usually after I have surfed on the Internet and looking at Silent Hill boss fight clips on YouTube before going to bed, well, I'm scared out of my pajamas at the tiniest sound.
This time, I wasn't scared, I was feeling more like rebellious and excited. It was a nice feeling.

I remember when I was a little more than ten years old, I used to be mighty scared about everything. One evening after I had watched Gremlins, I went to the bathroom and, had I been a little younger, I would have been too frightened to lock the door, sit on the bog or even go to the bathroom alone; this time I noticed I wasn't feeling scared, and I realized I had took a step forward in growing up, and it felt good. I felt triumphant!

Nevertheless, when the morning dawned I was feeling scared, I had just had a dream of James Sutherland and Maria being attacked by Grey Children in typical business dresses, the males were wearing shirtsleeves and pantsuits and the females had a skirt and cardigan, pearls and lipstick, and in another dream I was fighting Mumblers with a primitive spear.
When I woke up, that's when I crawled under the covers, well, not for a long time as I was soon devoid of oxygen.

I have taken up a habit of waking up early in the morning, first it was a little before eight o'clock, yesterday morning I woke up at six.

It's always the same; I wake up early and don't feel like sleeping anymore, get up, feel sleepy and go back to bed, get up and feel sleepy and do it all over again.

I really like how the sky changes colour during the day, it was the most deepest blue at half past six. I knew it was going to be a sunny day.

I did the morning routines minus breakfast, if you don't count a half- eaten bar of chocolate and a tomato. I just didn't feel like cooking a decent breakfast.

I washed my counterpane with the new Ariel detergent and some mildly perfumed fabric softener, so it would smell sweet and be softer.

I had lots of places to go;
-> Citymarket to buy two bars of Fazer chocolate and a Valentine's day card for Piia- Maria
-> rehab center to pick up my renewed Ketipinor prescription
-> pharmacist to have the prescription copied and get the maksulaskelma or kustannusarvio or whatever the hell it is called, but anyway, it's a proof of how much the medicine costs after the social office has paid for most of it and how much the customer has to pay for it
-> the social office to convince them to pay for the aforementioned medicine
-> bank to deposit all the change in my wallet, and then withdraw them
(at this part, I received a phone call from the receptionist at the social office, telling me that the medicine will cost only three euros for me so I probably don't need the social office to pay it)
-> pharmacist to pick up a box of Ketipinor pills
-> social office once again as I remembered I should give my home insurance bill to have it paid
-> dentist in the same building to ask if I can book a dentist just for an annual check- up, I was told the next check- up is booked for the autumn 2012

Once back home, I spent the afternoon doing the typical things; munching on chocolate, ganking usericons here and there, scratching my butt and sniffing my fingers and doing online quizzes and virtual dolls which are all present in the earlier entries.

The home meeting was held in Jussi's apartment. I got an allergic reaction from his cat, my nose and ears itched and my eyes were bloodshot; it's kind of sad, knowing I won't be able to get a cat or a guinea pig when I'm allergic to them.

I lent the Silent Hill DVD from Viljami, and watched it the same evening. The more I see the aforementioned movie, the less scared I am of it.

And oh, I mailed burlymanvagina's and carlomelo's birthday cards! Hope you enjoy them, sweethearts!
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    Restless Heart - The bluest eyes in Texas

(no subject)

I hate the kind of mornings when I get up and later go back to sleep, and end up sleeping all day and getting up in the afternoon, feeling motivated enough only to take my meds and change into pajamas. Those kind of days occurred a lot when I attended Kiipula; after that I had the kind of days when I used to think whether I should just stay in bed all day, there's no way I should live through this worthless day.

I hate the way my life is; everyday is just slacking and lazing off, I wish I could go to work or study.
I remember when I lived in Casa Franca, I used to think that once I move out into an apartment of my own, I would never do anything else than just sleep all day, never go to work or attend studies. I don't know why I was so sleepy then, maybe because I was not yet used to the anti- psychotic medication.
Nowadays I think I want, I truly want want want to have a job, or at least go to school first and then get a job. I have planned that in autumn I will go to the night school I used to attend, finish the biology class and get my diploma, then go to vocational school to study as a librarian and finally get a job.

I hate it when I get these feelings; I suddenly realize how lonely I am and how unsafe I feel.
I mean, I have my parents, brother, grandma, friends both online and IRL, and any time of the day when I feel anguished I can call the counselors in Laturi. I have lots of people who love me and want the best for me, and I still have the gall to say that I feel lonely. But that's the way it is.

Sometimes I think that maybe in the future, after I have finished my studies and got my dream job, I am finally strong enough to face life as it is, without breaking into tears and thoughts of suicide every time something bad happens.
Maybe I won't be happier, but at least stronger. I guess it takes lots of medicines and therapy in my behalf to achieve that goal.