24th February 2011


Sometimes I have a feeling I don't want to grow old. I don't want to get Alzheimer's, wear diapers and orthopedic socks and take enemas.

Sometimes I have a feeling I should die by my own hand, preferably at the age of 35. That's a proper age to die.

I am nothing but a nuisance to the society; I mean, what's the use of me? I have never paid taxes or done any work or helped this world to become a better place.

I hate it how people interfere with my life. It seems like every time I even mention suicide, they want to ship me to a mental ward.

Every time I look into a mirror, I see a big mistake. A big, fat, ugly, dumb mistake.

Sometimes I wish I was prettier and thinner so I could find my soul mate. But the usual choices for soul mates I find are drunken middle- aged men who want to grab my ass in the subway train.

I see no point in my life. I feel like all the people I meet actually want to eliminate me, to sweep me and my problems under the carpet.

But after all, that's how evolution works. The weak ones like me are supposed to perish.
  • Current Mood: aggravated aggravated

Look, I'm sorry for all the awful things I wrote in my last post, but sometimes the best way to relieve suicidal angst is to write about it.
This entry will mostly be pondering about my health.

I love my grandma, but I have decided to go back home tomorrow. She doesn't mind me leaving a little earlier, she said she understands me.
The bus to Helsinki will leave the Kangasala station at 7:40 in the morning, and will be in Helsinki somewhere at ten in the morning. Grandma agreed to wake me up at six in the monring, so that I will be able to pack my bags, have a wash and take a shower and eat a decent breakfast.
Once I return home, I will have plenty of time to go grocery shopping, wash laundry and such, and maybe go for a hearty little walk.

My social worker Kaija, the one responsible for the peculiar account, has told me that I might receive some extra money (the money that is left from my welfare after all the bills, rent and grocery money are paid) at the end of this month.
So if I receive it, I have to buy a proper ceiling lamp for my alcove and an energy- sufficient lamp, along with a proper counterpane (the one I have wanted from Aurinko for a long time, a bright yellow counterpane with colourful embroideries) and a cuddle blanket with Ed Hardy design for taking naps.

It's kind of weird how 100 euros a week for grocery money is not enough; no matter how little I eat and how I don't spend my money on anything frivolous, and still I end up strapped for cash at the end of the week. I guess I should take better care of my finances, if that's possible.

It's so annoying how at every beginning of the new season I decide that I am going to take better care of my hygiene, beauty care, nutrition, finances and such and start exercising more, but usually the enthusiasm goes past in a half of an hour.

I would love to teach myself to cook, buy more fruits and vegetables and such but food is so expensive nowadays! If I try to support my nutrition with only 100 euros for food and also hygiene (soaps, detergents, toilet papers and sanitary pads and such) a week, well, it's mission impossible!

It's almost the end of February, and I haven't got my menses yet. Well, it happens every once in a while, there's no way I could be pregnant.
It seems like I am the only girl in the world who is happy when she has her menses; I mean, if you don't count the slight feeling of tenseness in my back, thighs and butt, I'm mostly okay. I am happy for being healthy and hormonally balanced.

I think I should buy some more books; I want the Pimeää vain meidän silmillemme and Syysprinssi by Anja Kauranen, On the Road by Jack Kerouac and stuff. A room without books is like a body without soul.

I also should start knitting more, I really like it. I don't know what to knit, but something. It's nice and a good way to kill time.

I have been thinking of eating less chocolate, limiting it to special occasions such as Christmas and Easter. Chocolate tastes good, yes, but it's unhealthy, gives me pimples and makes me fat. I should also stop eating three bags of vinegar crisps a week.

Now that I think about it, I have to find the money to fund the discount card to the gym, I really need it. I really should get a hang of myself and take better care of my health.

In March, I am going to book a doctor's appointment to have my blood tested; I want to know if I have a lack of some nutrient like a vitamin or such, then I have to appoint a nutritionist to fix my diet.
The one thing I also need is to have a talk with dermatologist, the thing is that the skin on my body; my legs, arms and torso; itch like hell, and I can't help scratching it, no matter if I am in a public place. I still don't know the reason to the itch, but as far as I remember, my skin has has a tendency to itch every since I was a child.

I really don't know where my life will take me, but I must live one day at a time.
  • Current Mood: okay okay
  • Current Music: Stan Bush - Touch

♥ I just love creating LJ icons. Mind, not actually creating them myself, but finding some hilarious pictures on the Internet and creating icons out of them.

♥ I really heart Arcee in Transformers: Prime. Less slutty than G1 Arcee, I mean, she had flaming red lipstick and a ghetto booty. Snerk.

♥ But the one thing I really don't see why the good ol' G1 has spawned so many craptastic continuities. I mean, their only reason is to_sell_toys, that's all.

♥ I like taking hot showers in the evenings when I'm feeling cold; for the rest of the evening, I'll feel like radiating heat. It calms me down when I'm in a freaky mood, and peps me up when I'm tired.

♥ Has anyone on my eff- list seen the movie Ghost World, based on the Daniel Clowes comic album by the same name? In my opinion, it's the best fucking movie I have ever seen. I will never grow tired of watching it, and if I will, I'm going to slit my wrists so blah.

♥ I really don't see why the Larval Stalkers, the child- like ghosts in Silent Hill are called "Larval"? I see no similarity to larva in them, they are just shadow- like entities which stumble around in the room and squeak like dog toys.

♥ I have been thinking of getting myself an iPod. Then again, I'd rather listen to music in the peace of my own home, not while walking outside and such; the noise of nature is its own music.
  • Current Mood: quixotic quixotic
  • Current Music: Kimya Dawson - The beer