26th March 2011

greyrainbow

Yesterday evening, after finishing a tin of tuna my apartment smelled like a pig's ass. I was thinking of sleeping with my window open as I used to do when I still lived with my parents, I used to wake up to the birds singing and the air of my room being fresh and crisp, but if I leave the window of my apartment open I will be awake all night, listening to children bawling, drunkards making noise and cars revving. This part of Vantaa kind of reminds me of Harlem in New York.

In the morning I was in a pretty good mood, as it was Saturday.

After taking a shower and dressing up, I felt a bit melancholy. I remembered when I lived in Casa Franca, after the morning routines I was so depressed that I couldn't resist sleeping for six hours and then suddenly pepping up and going downtown to spend some time time. And I also used to sleep my nights very well.
It feels like my daily worries and depression never reach me when I'm under my blanket, and I also have such beautiful dreams in which I am strong, free and happy.

I laid down on the sofa with my Ed Hardy cuddle blanket, then I went to my bed to sleep. I had some colourful dreams, then I got up and did some simple housework; I managed to hoover the floor and wipe the desks and tables clean, but I had to sit down at times to read the book Adrian Mole: The Prostate Years.

What has happened to my life? I remember how some days I used to get up at seven in the morning and my apartment, along with the bathroom, was squeaky clean and smelling good. Nowadays I am too sleepy or depressed to do anything, besides my right arm has a nasty pain.

After hanging the laundry, I decided to go downtown for another urbane adventure; first I took out the garbage, returned some books to the library, took the bus 53 to Peijas, then took the bus 623 to Helsinki and walked around a little. I walked to the Senate Square and took a look at the wall paintings; they were so lovely, but it didn't cheer me up.

I walked along Aleksanterinkatu, thought of visiting Iso- Roba, but I was in such a pissy mood that I decided to go home and cook myself some of my special pasta.

I took the bus 452 to Myyrmäki. I was thinking how nice it is to be home, if I can call this rented flat a "home".

Once home, I started cooking. I didn't mind having to wash a crapload of dishes again, right now I don't care about anything.

After finishing my lunch- dinner, I felt like I was going to burst. I took a warm shower, and looked in the online library service if they had the movie Warriors of Virtue on DVD.

My life is slowly coming apart, breaking into pieces, and I don't know how to glue the pieces together. I guess I need to see my own nurse and take more medicines before I feel generally better about my life.

I have this crazy thought that in the future, I will be more self- confident and basically feel better about everything. I just don't know how to reach that dream.
  • Current Mood: crappy crappy
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