April 6th, 2011

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Holy shit, it is annoying to wake up at three a.m. and not getting any sleep. I guess I'll write a little.

I'm reading the Hubert Selby JR. book Requiem for a Dream right now, and I am going to re- watch the movie later, it's really amazing. I usually read books in the evening when I'm in bed, because I don't have any time for reading during daytime.

I really need to wash the pile of dirty dishes and clothes ASAP. I'd like to wash them now, but it's a tad bit too early and I don't want to disturb the neighbors.

My throat is dry, no matter how much water I drink.

I have a runny nose, nowadays I generate tons of snot and have to blow my nose about a bajillion times a day, and in the evenings my nose is stuffed. Either I have to breathe through my mouth or use some nasal spray that makes my nostrils sting.

Things I need to buy this year; a new wallet, a pair of vegan biker boots and proper soles for them, a new CD player. Then I need to buy a crap load of clothes and journals and such. Luckily I may be able to start receiving more welfare, I have to call KELA today and ask if I am permitted for it.

I accidentally tore the scab off my surgery wound, but I put a clean band- aid on it so I guess it's okay. I hope it won't start festering again.

The antibiotics I use smell like cat pee, and taste the same. Luckily I will discontinue using them next Monday.

I have decided to take part in this activity group, it is held by Laturi. Every Thursday at 1 p.m. we meet in the Pähkinärinne minimall, where we walk around Lammaslampi (a lake in Pähkinärinne). While I usually despise the groups, it's always nice to get some exercise and fresh air and meet people.

Ever since the home meetings were stopped, there will be new meetings on Saturdays at midday; we meet in the common room downstairs to talk about things and stuff, then the counselors check out our apartments.

I really like my new milk & honey lip balm, the only problem is that it dries very quickly.

I also like the new bedside table lamp, I can see my shadow very sharply when I lay in my bed writing.

My right armpit is a bit red and itchy, I put some Aqualan on it every evening hoping it wouldn't get inflamed.

When I don't get any sleep, I like puttering around in my apartment and doing some chores.
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Last evening I read the book Requiem for a Dream in bed, the new table lamp worked marvelously. I had used a normal light bulb as Anttila didn't have energy- sufficient light bulbs for those kind of lamps, it was no problem but I couldn't help noticing that the lamp light was kind of heated; I felt like I was drowning in my sweat.

As you can see from my earlier post, I woke up this morning at three a.m. and didn't get any sleep. I hate having problems with sleeping, either with sleeping too much or not getting any sleep. I guess I have to swallow different kinds of crazy pill cocktails to balance my sleeping pattern.

I had had dreams of Rautalampi once again, this time I dreamed about the bats that used to dwell in the attic of our summer cottage.
I like bats because they're so cute! They're like guinea pigs with wings!

And oh, I remember when I was a kid and my family visited the summer cottage, we were sleeping together in the living room when a bat somehow managed to get under my brother's blanket. My dad grabbed a net and tried to catch the bat, but it flew out of the window.

I had to swallow four chill pills to get sleep, but as usually, it didn't work. I just laid in my bed, stiff as a board, staring at the ceiling.
Then I got fed up, got up and did some odd jobs around the apartment. The one thing I like in sleepless nights is that usually then I am very productive when it comes to housework. Such as one night I managed to put my journals into proper order in my cupboards and drawer.

While I was washing the dishes, I noticed that I felt woozy and my legs were quivering, so I guess the chill pills started affecting when I had given up sleeping. Bleh!

I slept on my sofa, then I went to bed. I had a realistic dream I slept all the way to nine in the evening, then I woke up.

I didn't feel like having a wash, I knew I should but I was too out of it. I just dressed up and drank numerous cups of cocoa, thinking if I should go out or if I shouldn't.

When I finally exited myself from my apartment, I took out the garbage, visited the library to return some items, went to Citymarket and bought a proper pair of gloves, a carton of milk and a bar of chocolate.

I went to the rehab center to pick up my Ketipinor prescription, and went to the pharmacist to pick up some new pills. I felt very grubby and my ass and armpits felt a bit sticky; I hate it when I can't motivate myself to take care of my hygiene, let alone exercise or nutrition.

Once home, Elise called me and asked if she can come over with her boyfriend in a couple of hours. I told them they're welcome.

Once they arrived, we had fun time, cracking jokes and talking our heads off. When Laura came back from school, we went over to her place.
We ate the berry & chocolate cake she had baked and just hung around, her boyfriend Viljami was there too. She told me that she and Viljami are going to move together to Martinlaakso, I am so happy for them!

Right now I am a tad bit bored, I am thinking of going to Helsinki but it's getting late; at seven p.m. I usually change into my jammies, and at eight p.m. I take my med and have the evening wash.

Outside it is as bright as during daytime, another sign of spring. I guess my internal clock needs some time to adjust.

Goddess, I have been crapping all day. I guess I shouldn't drink so much cocoa, I might be lactose intolerant.

I'm so happy that spring is finally coming, not only because of chocolate eggs and jelly beans, but also because it makes my life easier; I feel happier when the weather is sunny and warm and the nature blooms, I don't have to put on many layers of clothing when I go out, and most of all, it's easier to go out when I don't have to slip on ice or trudge knee- deep in snow. And most of all, if I buy a pair of biker boots this year, I will be able to just slip them on instead of puttering with my shoelaces.
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writing

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I like collecting empty books to use as diaries. I have over hundred of them right now! I store them in my cupboards and drawers, fill them out and stow them away so I can read them in the future.

When it comes to purchasing new ones, I'm very picky; I don't buy the ones that have "Journal" or "Notebook", printed on the cover, but I might consider it if the covers have a pretty design. I also don't buy those fancy little girl diaries that have a lock and a key, nor the ones with a place where to write the date.

I also put them into a scrupulous order; first the ones produced by Geepap, then ringbinders, then the ones that don't fit into any category, then the 4A sized.

Sometimes I think what I should do with all the books if I got fed up with writing. I hope I never will.
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