10th April 2011


I have kind of lost my track of updating. Or more like, everytime I write an entry I feel like "Ahh, this sucks!" and delete my writing. It sucks, I wish I would get back my ability to write just for the ole enjoyment of writing.

It's kind of nice to have dreams. I don't remember the dreams I had, but on Saturday morning I dreamed that I had lost my shoes, and that I was sexually harassed by a bald rock star in a white Elvis suit; he said to me "Hey baby, I can do it in the front and in the back!" (meaning vaginal and anal penetration, FYI) and I didn't mind. Besides, it's always nice to be confronted by a real rock star rather than a hopeless drunkie.

Yesterday I was feeling rather unhappy, it was the usual Saturday morning angst when I know that I have to clean up my apartment but don't feel like up to it. I have had those days when I wake up at six in the morning, and I have washed loads of laundry, hoovered and moped the floor, washed the dishes, wiped all the desks and tables clean, dusted my art objects, arranged my stuff in better order, hung the laundry up and ironed all the wrinkles, beaten the carpets, cleaned up the bathroom and aired the whole apartment; my home is spick and span, shines like silver and smells nice. Nowadays I have kind of lost that spark.

I managed to hoover the floor and wipe the desks and tables, wash the dishes and do the laundry, the rest of it I left for today.

The ex- Francanians have a new home meeting; we meet in the common room of the house on Saturdays at noon, after that the counselors from Laturi check out our apartments.
Everyone was there, except Naskali who never attends the meetings nor even opens his door to anyone. I kind of feel pity for him, after all he has a severe case of Autism, has been bullied a lot in school and all around he's such a poor thing.
Don't tell anyone, but Laura and Viljami (or Lauski and Vilimitja as I like to call them) are going to shack up, they have rented a council apartment from Martinlaakso near the house where my family lived when I was born.

After the meeting, I was washing dishes when Rami and some other counselor came to check up my apartment. Rami is always delighted to take a look at my art objects.

Suvi visited me today, she brought butter- flavoured popcorn, chocolate soy milk, sour candy and strawberries, and also some strawberry- flavoured Jell-O.
I like Jell-O, I like strawberries but I like them more as freshly picked berries. I dislike the flavour in ice cream, candy, pastries and such.

We watched the movie Requiem for a Dream, I have seen it many times and it gets better everytime I see it! I love the song Lux Aeterna, and I can't help snickering as I first heard it when I was playing the Flash game Orgasm Girl back in 2005, when I was an angsty teenager ridden with schizophrenic psychoses.

In case you didn't know, Orgasm Girl is a game where you're supposed to be a lesbian angel and fondle sexy young girls when they sleep. It's kind of hard to beat, but it's hilarious as hell. It also has a sequel, Orgasm Girl 2, I'll give you the link if you want.

After Suvi left, I took her to her car and then walked around a little. I miss taking long walks, usually I have a Creepy Moment after ten minutes of walking and it gets worse if I don't return home.

Today I did the rest of the housework. My arm is achy as hell, I feel as if one of the screws is trying to bulge through my skin.

I visited my parents today, as usually mom complained politely about how I have gained weight.

I would like to lose weight, just because I don't want my arteries to clog up. But I can't afford any food than chocolate, I can't afford going to the gym.
I'd like to cook proper meals and eat lots of vegetables and fruits but as you might know, food is getting more and more expensive these days. I'd like to join a gym group in which the main goal is to lose weight, but I don't think the social office would pay for it. As for me, I can't afford it myself.
I hate the fact that I am given grocery money for hundred euros a week, and no matter how wisely I try to spend it I always run out of money about after four days. I guess I should give up eating chocolate every day, to save my money and dental health and most of all, lose weight.
I read from somewhere that when you go on a diet, it's not only just a fun little project, you should take it seriously enough to change your life habits. I can't do it! I just can't do it!
I'm seriously thinking of asking my parents to buy me a scale, and maybe they will visit me in the hospital when I'm down with anorexia or something worse. Thanks, mum!

My parents went to see the new exhibition at Ateneum, I asked mom if I can come along and before even finishing my question she said sternly: "No, this time me and your father will go alone!"
Sometimes I think my mom doesn't like me.

After they left, I gobbled up my chocolate bar, watched some old videos, rummaged my brother's room and tried to find money, then I left.
I decided to go see the new art show in Tennispalatsi. I have decided that every Sunday after I have visited my parents, I will go to an art museum in Helsinki.
Once in the bus stop, the bus 453 arrived almost immediately.

In downtown I went to the museum, the new show was very interesting. I didn't stay long, usually in new art shows I only look at it here and there and return later for a better experience.

I took a bus back to Myyrmäki. I have decided to get off the bus on next to the last stop, so that I don't have to walk up the Kitler hill, instead I can walk a little in the forest area until arriving to the back door.

Once home, I took my antibiotics and finished the housework routine, believe it or not. I washed the dishes and laundry, moped the floor, cleaned up the bathroom and such.

I was thinking of going for a walk or maybe a bike ride, for the first time this year! But then again, it would result a Creepy Moment and besides it's getting late.

Tomorrow I will go off the antibiotics.
  • Current Mood: aggravated aggravated
  • Current Music: John Lennon - Crippled inside

I'm a bit worried right now...

As I wrote earlier, the social office pays me 100 euros a week as a grocery money. I'm a loner, and also a vegetarian who eats very little, so it should be enough for a week; remember, it's not only for food, but also things like toilet paper, household paper, sanitary pads, detergents, shampoos etc.
I haven't bought anything extra this week if you don't count the daily amount of chocolate, four chocolate eggs, the bedside table lamp and also the two light bulbs, but they didn't cost much. I didn't buy crisps, diaries or anything else I usually manage to squander my income for.
And right now I have enough cents to afford tomorrow's amount of chocolate, and I am slowly running out of food and tooth paste.
Luckily I will receive my weekly allowance the day after tomorrow, so I'm okay. Besides I have porridge ingredients, it's the one thing that prevents me from dying of starvation.

The one thing I'm also worried about is how me and my mother are drifting apart. I mean, we have never been the best kind of friends, but at least we have gotten along.
I still remember when I was being treated for leukemia, I used to stand in my mother's lap and look at her in her eyes, which were the same color as mine. I smiled, she smiled back, it was seriously the most beautiful smile I had ever seen.
Nowadays my mom usually complains how I have gained weight. I hate it, it makes me feel so guilty and wretched. And the problem is that I can't answer her back.
I'd like to tell her that I don't want to lose weight unless I am morbidly obese, I want to eat chocolate.
I'd like to tell her that I love her so much, she's my very own mommy and I am grateful for her giving me this life, taking care of me, nurturing me and providing me with everything I need to grow up. She still helps me out in my financial problems, and I am still welcome to her arms.
Still we don't seem to get along.

I think I should lose some weight, or more like, start eating more healthily and exercising more. It shouldn't be that hard, all I need is a motivation to eat something more than chocolate and get off my ass every day. And if I start receiving more welfare, I will be able to afford the gym membership.

Yeah, there are lots of things in my life that could be better. I just don't know how to do it.
  • Current Mood: melancholy melancholy