I don't see why, but there are days when I feel strange pain; for example, last week my right knee was terribly stiff and kept on making this cracking noise every time I bent it. It went past soon, but this morning I woke up with my left upper arm aching, despite not exercising it too much or sleeping in an uncomfortable position.
Linda, the counselor from Laturi had promised to come for a visit today so we could talk about my current situation in life, finances and feelings and such. She didn't come, I called her later and she told me that she had been in an emergency meeting and then she had to go to Helsinki to find her car which had been towed away. We decided to hold another meeting on May 6th, I have forgotten the time but I will inquire for it later.
After it was clear that Linda was not coming over today, I decided to go to Helsinki to check out the new art show named ARS 11 in Kiasma.
My year card for the Tennispalatsi art museum will expire soon, I will buy another one next week.
Once in the museum, I looked quickly through the works of art; usually when I visit an exhibition I have never been to before, I eye through it quickly and come back later for a better experience. It was interesting, yes.
When I had done watching, I walked downstairs and noticed a strange feeling; I realized that if I get away from this experience, reality will come crashing down and I will feel despair, hunger, depression, boredom and the pain i and others of my everyday feelings, whether mental or physical. I felt like when I take a bus ride; I will be happy as long as the bus goes on and on, when I get off I will feel the everyday woes again.
Nevertheless, there was no way I could have stayed in the museum forever. I fetched my jacket, scarf and backpack from the cloakroom, visited the shop for a while and then went out.
It was drizzling outside, I have noticed that I don't mind rain as long as it doesn't come pouring down. It feels good, as if the water from the sky blesses me and washed away my sins. I am not one of those who is afraid of catching cold or having their hairdo or makeup fucked up.
I visited Sederholm, which is another museum in Unioninkatu. There was a historical exhibition about the 100 years of women rights in Finland. It was really interesting, I am surely going to visit it later and encourage my friends to visit it too!
I visited Hennes&Mauritz, as usually I started feeling dizzy and woozy so I couldn't stay long, especially when I noticed they didn't sell my favorite clothes anymore; a few months ago I had visited the aforementioned shop and noticed that they had the most marvelous clothes in sale, I had decided that once I start receiving more welfare (it will be raised for about 100 euros a month), I will buy them all! Too bad they have renewed their range in spring, and the clothes I wanted have been removed; I can't see them anywhere, not even in the discount rack!
It's always the same; when I want new clothes, they're out of stock when I'm fin- fuckin'- ally able to afford them! I know that life ain't easy, but why can't my life at least sometimes be easy?!
There are days when I could gladly shoot a bullet to my brain and burn in Hell.
This is what I wrote into my diary today; I hate being mentally ill. It feels like as if I have been locked up into a dungeon where I can see only happy, healthy people; it feels as if my wings have been cut off before I have had a change to spread them and fly off; it feels as if every single moment of my life is a never- ending nightmare from Hell.
Hmm. There are lots of nice parks, forests and such, I can't really say which one is the most beautiful. But mostly Myyrmäki is the asshole of Vantaa with its junkies and drunkies and crime and homelessness.