21st April 2011

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Sometimes I can't help thinking if my life was the other way around. Like, if I had never flipped and become a psycho, if I had finished my matriculation exams in time, if I had never been bullied in school, hell, if I had never been born as a girl!

"Some people never go insane. What terribly boring lives they must lead", as Charles Bukowski said.
"Sometimes the only way to go to stay sane is to insane". Those were the words of Susanna Kaysen.

Many schizophrenics find positive things in their illness, one Spanish artist even said "If I had not this illness, I would be a boring normal person. Now I can save the world". Yep, good for you.

If you ask me, this illness has got to be the worst thing that ever happened to me, if you don't count the leukemia I suffered from as an infant. I can't really see anything positive in this, if you don't count the sickness benefit money I got.
Every single moment of my life is a never- ending, hellish nightmare. It feels as if my brains have been withered, as if I can't enjoy my life anymore because when I'm inside, I feel as if the walls are closing around me, when I'm outside I feel as if the world around me is full of monsters and rapists and harassers and criminals who want something from me, whether it's my virginity or my money or my cellphone number.

I used to be happy before I flipped. Now I know I will never know happiness anymore, because it is widely known that if a mentally ill person is happy, it's considered as hypomania. If the person is sad, they haven't taken their antidepressants.

My life is a fucked up mess, and I can't see any sun through the clouds or light at the end of the tunnel. But I'll manage.