23rd April 2011

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There's this thing that has been bothering me for a while...

As you know, I have been diagnosed with schizophrenia. I have delusions; I see people, the kind of people who only want to annoy, bully, slur and harass me. When I hear the noises they make, I always start arguing loudly with them, and it doesn't take long when I'm tearing my hair and stomping around in my apartment, feeling like I want to murder someone.

I can control it with tranquillizers, but usually they just make me sleepy. Like, if I am doing housework and get another of those feelings, I pop a pill and then I'm so sleepy I have to nap all day instead of doing housework. And meanwhile the dust bunnies pile up on the floor and the dirty dishes pile up on the counter.

Next Tuesday I'm going to visit my nurse, I'll have a talk with her about it.
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I have had many kind of dreams the past couple of weeks; usually I have them in the morning, when I'm about to wake up. Sometimes they're funny, sometimes they're inspirational, sometimes they have no sense at all, sometimes they are nightmares.

Sometimes I feel like there's something missing from my life. Also, sometimes I feel like the things I used to enjoy don't feel the same anymore.
I feel as if there's a hole in my soul which cannot be filled by anything; not with love, money, chocolate, religion, nothing.

Almost everything in my apartment has been bought by a whim, and I don't want to give them up.

This morning I woke up to the sunshine, I felt slightly happy. Sometimes I wake up after a good dream and then feel cruddy because my everyday life is so boring (still I find something to write about).

Today we had another home meeting in the common room at midday; Laura told us that she and Viljami are going to move to Martinlaakso around the first of May.

After the meeting the counselor Linda visited me, I had a talk with her about my chocolate addiction and the weird tantrums I get; she told me that if I want to keep on eating chocolate everyday I am free to do it, after all it's a lot cheaper and healthier than smoking or drinking and besides it brings a touch of glamour to my everyday life. Who am I to deny myself of the simple joys that make my life worth living?
As for the tantrums, she advised me to talk about it with my nurse. Yes, I am going to see her next Tuesday on 2 p.m., I remember her name was Satu but I can't remember her surname.

As the shops and other places were opened again, I went to the library to return some items.
I had 2,80 euros in my Visa Electron, I was running out of shampoo and shower gel, but decided to buy a bar of chocolate anyway. I can manage.

Geez, I really need to do something about my finances. It's annoying as hell when I receive the weekly grocery money, and after running out of money I run out of food. I should do something to make ends meet, but I don't know what.
Let's see; I should buy the most affordable ones, preferably if I can get some discount out of it. Preferably something I need, not something I buy in a whim, the same goes for food also. Tomatoes, tangerines, carrots and cucumbers are enough vitamins for me, I don't need to buy anything extra like watermelon slices which I usually gobble up in a minute.
I'd like to buy meal ingredients, not just vegetables, fruits, sandwich utensils, milk and porridge flakes. Too bad food is very expensive these days.
I wish I could be smart in my finances. But I guess that practice and experience will teach me enough.

Next week I'll start teaching myself to cook; I will make stew out of beans and cheese, I found the recipe from a site named Kotikokki.net where I usually search for recipes. I could also make a cake out of white chocolate and lime.
For some reason I feel like cooking nutritious meals or scrumptious cakes won't be a problem; if I am smart, I will be able to afford proper food, if I am patient, I will learn to keep up my nutrition. I'm sure about it.

Today I went for a long biking trip, I was so happy after it. A little exhausted and achy, but happy anyway.

I guess today was nice.
  • Current Mood: hopeful hopeful
  • Current Music: The Bristols - Little baby