You deserve to be healthy, safe, loved, and very happy
27th April 2011
This morning I was supposed to go to the Peijas hospital to have a check- up on my broken arm. I had set my alarm clock to ring at six o'clock, I had to report in the hospital at 8:15.
By some strange miracle, I woke up a couple of hours before my alarm clock rang. I dressed into a simple pair of pants and a shirt, I didn't bother dressing up all dandy.
I checked my e- mails and updates, then I started to feel sleepy so I went to bed. I had set my cellphone alarm to ring when it was time to go to the bus station.
The sun had already risen, it was nicely chilly outside but not enough chilly to make my breath fume. I knew that later the day the temperature would rise to + 20, so I didn't bother taking a coat with me.
In the bus 53 when I was picking crumbs of sleep out of my lashes, I realised I didn't feel sleepy anymore.
Once in the hospital, I reported in the patient office and I was told to go to the X- ray. I had two X- ray pictures taken of my arm, then I had to wait two hours in the corridor until the orthopedist Sirola called me in.
He didn't ask a damn thing if I had been exercising my arm or picking at the scabs, he told me my arm had healed marvelously.
We made another appointment at June 15th, Wednesday at 10:10 a.m. I was told I should have an X- ray taken of my arm a hour and half before the appointment, and report in the patient office fifteen minutes before anything. The old noggin isn't working as good as it used to be, but according to my calculations I should report in the patient office at 8:35 a.m.
I took a bus back to Myyrmäki and went to Citymarket to buy two bars of chocolate and a bottle of dishwashing liquid.
Once home, I spent the day arguing with myself about philosophy, religion, ethics and politics, eating chocolate and all that.
There is this thing I need to get off my mind. I don't feel like talking to anybody, so I'll write about it.
As you might know, I have been bullied for a long time, in home, school, confirmation camp, hospital. Almost everywhere I have been, I have been spat on, discriminated, hated. And that's not counting the sexual harassing, although it is a form of bullying.
When I was little, all the way to my teenhood, my brother used to think that anything that was dirty, filthy, rotten, bad was Miia. That's my name.
I was once watching a Finnish documentary about Wiccas, it showed a bunch of women and girls of every age, dancing naked around a bonfire on a midsummer night, completely naked (or "sky clad" as Pagans say). My brother came over, watched it for a while, and said: "Typical Miia television show".
Once I was watching an interview about Kati Kovacs, a Fenno- Hungarian comic artist. She had drawn a picture of a woman laying naked on a conveyor belt in a factory. And my brother popped to the TV room when the picture was shown, and he said: "Typical Miia television show."
When I burped or farted just for my own amusement, my brother was moaning how filthy I am. I find my brother's puritan view of anything erotic or pornographic a little peculiar; after all, he was a teenage boy then!
When I was in school, I was called rude names. If you know a rude name, I was called that. Motherfucker, shit pants, nigger, fat ass, dyke, bitch, whore, poindexter, cunt, slut, wanker...
The usual names in grade school were scaredy pants, walking hepatica, cry baby, Miia Mansikka (mansikka is Finnish for strawberry, they chose it because it rhymed with my name and besides it is childish enough word)... They also invented new named for me, like Miia Murmeli (marmot), Mankeli (mangle)...
Usually the bullies were boys, I don't remember any girl bullying me. One of the boys, a Somali Muslim named Abdirisak was my worst bully. His typical name for me was Cry- baby, he used to call me that even in the presence of a teacher. Once he called me "Fucking shit la la la curly head hunting for men". Once when I was in the school library, he seduced me by pretending to be nice: he asked me if I knew how to dance, he asked me to lean on the window sill, then asked me to lay on the floor. Now you might ask, why did I do such thing? Well, I was a mentally challenged eight- year- old then, and I was thinking this was all fun and games. Then he laid on top of me and said: "Yes means no and no means yes. Do you want to fuck?"
In junior high, the bullying grew worse. In the eighth grade three girls my homeroom class even though they were old enough to be in high school, but they were bullies and managed badly in school so they were left behind. They went to school only to eat a free meal and wreak havoc. Still they became very popular and made friends with most of the students in my class.
If you don't count the teachers, they were usually bullying me and no one else. A girl named Anniina was the worst; she used to sit on my desk with her butt to my face and kick my stool, spread rumours that I had been raped as a child, grab a book I was reading and throw it across the room... and she always blamed me for bullying her, although I had never raised my voice or done anything to make her stop. She said that it was her way of making friends with me, I was bullying her because I refused to be her friend.
Another girl, I don't remember her name but I remember that she was very pretty, like an angel doll, but I was the only one who saw through her mask. She skipped classes and wreaked havoc as much as the other girls, but she wasn't a crass little criminal like Anniina, she acted very much like a typical teenybopper.
The second worst girl, Teresa, was a Gypsy. She used to beg and whine for me to sing Itsy Bitsy Spider because she wanted some music to dance to. She used to yell from across the class: "Hey Miia, I heard some rumors you were raped when you were a kid. Is that true?" Even my best friend Suvi used to say that Teresa was a nice girl.
One girl, Katja, was kind of complicated: once when we were having a field trip, I gave her some of my Starburst fruit drops and she told me that she will for sure tell everyone how amazingly nice I was. Then she scribbled an offensive tag into the wall of the girl's bathroom stalls "Hey Miia, it smells horrible here everytime you take a shit!!! And Miia, Suvi, and Elisa, start wearing some makeup and dress modernly!!!" and told the teachers that Miia had written it.
But most of all, my best friends were the ones who made my life hell. My friend had started making my life hell ever since I met her, and when she befriended the other girl, the dastardly duo made my life a neverending nightmare. The best friend was known for being overactive; no matter what someone said, she always mixed it up with body excretions, drugs, sex or Harry Potter. I could write a loooooong list about everything that happened then, but I'll just write the worst.
Once we went through this short conversation: Me: "What are your plans for Easter?" She: "Are you going for an egg hunt?" Me: "Duh, of course not! Do you think I'm childish or something?" She: "Yes I do." I was so mad I gave her a push, walked away, came back and gave her a push again. As a result, she started punching me with both of her fists, yelling this like: "Fucking bitch! Stupid whore! Stinking slut!" When we were taken to the principal's office, she told me she had heard one of the boys talking about throwing Miia with a bottle. I was given a permission to go home, later the day she called me and apologized.
Once when we were sitting in the corridor, just loitering about, she suddenly yelled from the bottom of her lungs: "Hey Miia, what was the position you last had sex in with your boyfriend?" Five minutes later, she apologized.
Once I was given sick leave because of her. I had decided to take a little distance, I avoided her and her new best friend until she came up to me and said: "Hey Miia, Elisa told me that you should go sit in your locker!". Later the day she asked me: "Hey Miia, are you pissed off?" In the Arts class, Katja told me that she had said that Miia is always whining and complaining. I was so mad that I pushed Elisa, she kicked my butt, and in their handicraft class they took some bands off the yarn balls and wrote insults to them, such as "Go suck some balls!" and wrote caricatures of my pimpled face. Later Katja told me that my best friend had said she would love to chop my body to pieces with a chainsaw. Once in the student counselor's office, she was mad at me and blamed me for bullying my best friend, she reminded me of this scene I obviously had completely forgotten; some boys were invading the girls' bathroom to harass me, the counselor said it was because they wanted to show their love for me, my best friend laughed and said: "Yeah, obviously!" and according to the counselor, I had yelled: "Shut up or I'll kill you!" As I said, I didn't remember a damn thing about it. But according to the student counselor, it was the basic reason why my best friend hated me. I could have told her how my best friend had wanted to kill me many times; stab me, pour boiling water over me, tear my jugular vein open with her teeth, crush my body by jumping up and down on me, strangle me in the presence of the school curator, placing a curse on me, and once she asked Elisa to pour burning acid on me because I was talking about boring things.
In the confirmation camp, one of the boys spread a rumor that I was so stupid I was still in grade school (confirmation camp is held in the period of junior high) and called me Miia Mansikka, even though I don't remember him being in the same school. In the camp, no one wanted to bunk in the same room with me, except two teenybopper girls who used to wipe the shower room floor dry with my face towel. Once when I was walking outside, one of the boys poked his head from the window and yelled: "Crybaby!" I still haven't realised why did he do such a thing as I don't remember crying there.
In the hospital, I was bullied by a spoiled girl named Mimi. She used to whine about everything about me, my overgrown fringe, my pimples, my habit of eating too much and too fast, my habit of spending too much time in my own room, and she kept on yelling when I blew my nose. Then she told me she was a lesbian and she was in love with me, she called me "darling", but kept on bitching about me. When a nurse inquired about this, she was completely flabbergasted and said that she had lied about being in love with me because she wanted me to become more social.
In the young adults ward and the rehab ward I wasn't bullied by the patients, but rather by the nurses. If you don't count when a male patient told me he's going to kiss me, I told my nurse about it and she laughed to my face and told me that the aforementioned patient had said the same to her.
When I was younger, I used to meet people in the streets who asked me: "Hey, are Miia the Crybaby from Kivimäki school?" Nowadays when walk outside, I attract men like honey attracts bees. Well, maybe not all men, but usually the misfits of our society like the mentally ill, drunkards and drug addicts.
And one last thing, when I was in third grade, we made an act for the Christmas festival; it was about Finnish people who spoke different dialect; from Savo, Häme, Lappi and so on, and our teacher was complaining how none of the pupils wanted to be a part of it. I suddenly felt like helping her, and said hopefully: "I wouldn't mind acting, so can I have a part?" and she shouted: "No way!" That was the bitter end of my acting career. And all the way to this day I still know that I wasn't surprised of her reaction. Why? Because I wasn't more than nine years old and I still know what a big stinkin' loser I was. No one needed me, no one wanted me, I was nothing but a joke.
You may ask me, why didn't I get help? If I had told someone about it, I wouldn't be this fucked up. Who would have listened to me? "That's just what boys do!" "Grow a thicker skin, life is not for wimps like you." "The boys are in love with you, they are just in the awkward stage when they don't know how to treat girls!" "If you cry one more time, bad things will happen to you!" (Shocking but true) "Well I didn't see them bullying you, now did I? How can I be sure you're not lying?" "Miia, you are a pretty, sweet, cute, nice, kind girl, BUT..." "I'm sure God knows why."
And later when the childish bullying ended, and the sexual harassing began: "You shouldn't wear seducing clothing!" "But you have nice tits and a sweet ass, why can't you handle the truth?" "It's your own fault!" "You whore!" "You asked for it!" "But isn't it nice to get attention?" "You can't press charges, you don't have enough evidence."