May 10th, 2011


(no subject)

Sometimes I can't help thinking that there could be something better in my life, something I need to improve.

This morning I tried to sleep as late as possible, so that I wouldn't have to wait for my payday, or more like the moment when my weekly allowance is transferred to my account.

I had weird dreams, when I finally got up I noticed the clock was 8:35, four hours until my payday.

For a while, I just lazed around in my underpants, writing morbid thoughts into my diary, and drinking water. I always drink lots of water when there's nothing else to put in my mouth.

Later I took a long, satisfying shower, washed my face and brushed my teeth. Then I just lazed around a little more until I checked my online bank account and there it was, the weekly grocery money.

I immediately took off, I went down the Kitler hill to buy the weekly groceries.

I hate it how I always run out of both money and food before my next payday. I truly hate it, but I can't help it.

First I went to the cash point and withdrew 100 euros from my account, then I went grocery shopping. Along with food, I also bought some hygiene products.

I had a hard time dragging the bags and a packet of toilet paper rolls up the Kitler hill. Sweat dripped down my face and my nose generated tons of snot.

Once home, I put everything in its place, had a little snack and then went out once again.

I took the bus 452K to Helsinki, once there I visited the little French market that was set up in the Lasipalatsi Square. I bought some coconut ice cubes, glad I actually could afford them as usually I am so broke I can't afford anything beyond the daily basic needs.
The coconut ice cubes tasted sweet, the pink side tasted of bubblegum.

I bought greeting cards for xxsomeoneelsexx and allthe_cr0ws, as they both have their birthdays this month. I would also have bought one for nasukeiju_, but I'm not sure if her current address is valid nowadays.

I visited a few places before taking a bus home.

Once home, I stayed inside the rest of the day, fixed a few sandwiches, hoovered the floor, washed laundry and washed some dishes. I tried to do my best in keeping my life as normal as possible.

Sometimes I can't help thinking if what the philosophers say is true; I am all alone in my own universe, everything I see or feel is just a dream, or more like a nightmare.

I hate it how everyone who thinks themselves as an "alternative" person seems to glorify mental illnesses "Hey I'm krazy!" If you ask me, when you are diagnosed with mental illness like I am, it seems like life is a never- ending nightmare that ends once you're dead.

Sometimes I still consider suicide, no matter how easy my day has been. I can't help thinking that it will end all my problems.
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