September 10th, 2011


(no subject)

I hate having these sweet cravings all the time. I don't know why I have them.
I know it's very common to have cravings, but I seem to have them a lot. Right now my I have a metallic taste in my mouth, and I am also producing a lot of frothy spit, it's annoying as hell.
"The only way to avoid temptation is to yield it", as Oscar Wilde put it. Had I enough money, I would buy a shitton of strawberries and marshmallows and molten chocolate to dip them in to keep me happy, too bad I don't have enough money.

I hate being so broke all the time, but luckily the peculiar account controls my spending so I won't run out of money about three days after my payday. God, the memory of those days still makes me sad.

I don't have nightmares anymore, but I have weird dreams nonetheless.

Sometimes I think that I have lost my way of enjoying life, I guess it's a part of growing up.
For instance, I like bicycling. Back then before I was diagnosed with schizophrenia, I used to ride my bicycle around town with a Cheshire cat grin on my face, and nowadays when I get a little physical exertion I get so exhausted and frustrated that I feel like murdering someone.
Today when I went for a bike ride, I got a headache, stomach ache and bug bites all over my body.

Sometimes I think I am already dead. Sometimes I wish I was an old woman, I like to think that life begins once you're a pensioner. Sometimes I wish I was born as someone else, someone totally normal. I hate being such a screw- up who wants nothing but to kill and fuck all the time.

Come to think of it, I am way better than some people. At least I don't live in the States where I have to pay a pretty penny for medical insurance, or in Africa where people barely have food to eat or water to drink. I have no reason to be depressed about.
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