1st October 2011

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My tweets

  • Fri, 19:48: My MSN is smekkleysa@hotmail.fi, start adding me my dear friends ~ ♥
  • Fri, 19:50: I have finally discovered what is wrong with my brain.On the left side there is nothing right and on the right side there is nothing left
  • Fri, 20:43: If the prize of burning in Hell is having free will and a happy life, and helping others having a happy life too, so be it!
  • Sat, 12:03: @bethelight So are you saying that only Christians can do good things? I'm a pagan- turned- atheist and I do good things.
Tags:
greyrainbow

I have cut my toenails too short, now my toes are a bit sore. I never seem to be able to cut my toenails properly.
I have also been thinking of starting to use foot care products, and taking pedicures every once in a while.

I have suddenly grown an awful lot of pimples on my chest, just when my rash started to heal! I mean, they just sprouted in two days. I don't know the reason for it.

I have also decided to start wearing grandma bras, I hate those flashy bras that don't cover my breasts properly. My cup is 34B, at least I think so. Last time I measured my breasts and checked the measurement on an online calculator, I was told my cup size is 34J(!) Every time I wear a 34B sized brassiere, my breasts always bulge over the cups or my nipples slip out of them.

This morning I had just brushed my teeth when the counselor from Laturi came for a visit, I put on my dressing gown and let him in. After he left, I washed my face and took a shower.

After I had done all the morning routines, I started doing housework. As usual, I was in a bad mood because I kept on hearing the voices, so I took a tranquillizer. I am not sure why I did that, the tranquillizers have never helped me; they never calm me down, but they make me sleepy.

After a while, I was thinking of going for a walk because it was such a blessed autumn day. I forgot to turn off the air conditioner and my laptop when I left, and once in the yard I started to feel so anguished that I decided to go back home.

Sometimes I feel as if there is a wall between me and the world; I want to be perfectly normal and happy, but my illness prevents it.
I wish I was born as a completely normal person who has no history in school bullying and mental illnesses.

I was so sleepy that I decided to take a nap, and after a while my cellphone rang.
It was my mom calling from an airport in Miami, she asked me to buy her and dad food with my own money because they would be arriving late and wouldn't have the time and money to go grocery shopping.
I was getting a bit queasy and tried to explain as nicely as I could that I didn't have much money right now (I have no change in my wallet and on my bank account there is only 0,03 euros), and my mom got super mad at me.

After the call, I went back to bed with a heavy heart and suddenly I started crying.
I hate crying, it doesn't solve any problems, it only gives me headache, stingy eyes, dry skin, and it makes me recall memories from grade school when teachers and students alike hated me for crying so much, even if I didn't cry just because I wanted attention, nor because I wanted to annoy someone.

I fell asleep and woke up to an immense need to pee. I hate it how after crying myself to sleep I need to take a pee, I just want to lie down and cry.

For the rest of the day, well, I didn't do much. After getting up, I took the laundry downstairs to the drying room, made some dinner and surfed on the Internet.
I hate my life. I wish I could abort myself.
  • Current Mood: sad sad
  • Current Music: Queen - Bohemian Rhapsody
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