You deserve to be healthy, safe, loved, and very happy
30th October 2011
I hate feeling like an outsider all the time. Sometimes I feel that there's not a crowd for me, not even amongst the other outsiders. All my life I have been a wallflower, hated by even my own kind. Isn't it weird; at the same time I'm trying to act all nonconformist, and at the same time I ant to find my own crowd, my birds of a feather.
The one thing I'd like you to know about myself is that I have NEVER, EVER had self- esteem. Before my self- esteem even started to develop at the young age, the bullying and sexual harassing started. It's so weird; I have been told that I can overcome the bullying and harassing by the rule "just ignore them". And "have some sense of humor". If it's that easy to overcome the scars of the bad memories, then why have we lost so many bullied kids to suicide? Why do I have to take medicine and go to therapy?
It's been only four days since I last updated about my daily life, and it feels like such a long time.
Last night I had some very, very interesting dreams; in one dream me and my parents went to a flower shop, we were supposed to plant some flowers on my grandma's grave. A jovial man started harassing me, and my father punched him.
In another dream I viewed an urban legend; a poor little Jewish girl had slipped into the house of a rich family in order to find a bathroom to throw up in, the father of the family was so upset that he grabbed the girl, took her to the uppermost floor and threw her off, and she plunged to her death. Her blood stained her blood- red dress, and the man was visited with a curse; he would be fired from every job he would have, as a result he plunged himself off the uppermost floor and died.
In another dream, me and my best friend Suvi were in this super awesome shopping mall, we visited a vintage feminist shop and another shop that sold all kinds of awesome kitschy stuff. I met Ron Weasley and his twin brothers Fred and George from the Harry Potter series, Ron kissed me passionately while the twins made fun of him.
I woke up early in the morning when I realized that I had wrapped my blanket around my upper body, and my legs were freezing. It felt sort of pleasant.
After getting up, I turned the clocks to wintertime. After that, I had a shower and used peeling cream and hair conditioner, brushed my teeth and dressed up. I also had a proper breakfast after goddess knows how long while, washed the dishes, checked out my e- mails and updates, did some simple housework and looked at Team Fortress 2 porn.
Today I went to see my parents, I decided to walk to Martinlaakso as I have made the decision to go for a walk or a bike ride every day.
Once in Martinlaakso, I was out of breath and sweating terribly, but I felt good.
Only mom was home, dad was at work and my brother Sami had returned to Tampere. Mom went to buy groceries and cooked lunch, I had a few cups of cocoa and did the usual things I do when visiting my parents.
I made a decision to not to drink so much cocoa anymore. It's just that the milk makes my stomach feel bloated, as if I have a huge unbreakable bubble in my stomach.
Me and mom decided that we could go to Itäkeskus shopping mall after having the usual after- lunch nap, and so we did.
We took a train to Helsinki and a subway train to Itäkeskus. Once there, we went our separate ways; she was going to Halonen to look for clothes, and I had to visit the bathroom as I had to pee.
While waiting in the queue, I let out a sulfurous but noiseless fart, luckily no one seemed to mind. Goddamn, I am never drinking milk again!
After relieving myself, I just strolled from shop to shop. Once in Body Shop, I decided to get myself a Love Your Body card that is meant for regular customers, I also made the decision to buy at least one Fair Trade product a month.
I was feeling tired, so I decided to go home.
Once in the city center, I visited the post office to look for birthday cards for next month; my mom called me and asked if I was still in Itäkeskus as she wanted to take me out for coffee, I answered no and told her I was going home. I was a bit miffed that I had missed the coffee, we could have gone to Ciao Cafe that has the best Italian artisan ice cream I have ever had! But maybe later.
I took a train to Malminkartano and walked the rest of the trip home.
Once home, I washed laundry, cleaned up the bathroom, swept the floor and did other housework. I ran out of air freshener, luckily I had bought a new bottle earlier.
Tomorrow I have a lot of stuff to do; go see my nurse and social worker, take some books to the library and some stuff to UFF and in the afternoon I am going to this support group for people who hear voices. I'll have a busy day!
On Tuesday I have to go grocery shopping again when I receive the weekly allowance; I also have to buy a new brassiere (I have decided to buy one new bra and give one old bra to charity each week, until I have eight bras altogether), and some sweet eatables for Halloween.
While Halloween is not a part of Finnish culture, we celebrate Pyhäinmiestenpäivä (the day of the Holy Men) on the first Saturday of November.
Now I'm going to drink some tea, iron laundry and do something fun for the rest of the evening. It's amazing how I don't hear any voices right now, I am actually feeling good.