4th November 2011

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I hate being so lonely all the time.

Sure, I have got friends, but most of them are online friends who live in another continent and my closest friends have their own life, studies, work, relationships and such, they don't have enough time to meet me.

Then again, I should be used to being lonely. All my life I have been a wallflower who has never been popular, not even amongst the other wallflowers. I have never had too much friends.

I guess I am not a group person, but the problem is that I want to have my own group, my birds of a feather.

In every aspect of my life, I have been a reject. I am telling the truth, not trying to act like an underground- alternative- cutting edge- nonconformist.
If that isn't enough, I have been hated, bullied, spat on, slurred, mocked, you name it. I was always the one who sat alone in the cafeteria, the one who never had a boyfriend, who was never invited to home parties, never got a Valentine's day card. and no matter how I tried to keep myself clean and fresh it seemed like all the others smelled rotten shit when I came around. People either turned away from me or turned against me, and I hated it and couldn't understand why. It seemed like an evil witch had put a curse on me before I was even born.

I remember, when I still lived in the youth hostel, I went for a Mayday march with my friend Elise and then we and Suvi had a picnic. I was supposed to be happy, but I felt like I was drowning in cold, dark water. When me and my friends from the hostel were going to a Christmas concert, in the taxi we talked our heads off and laughed at the most inane jokes, and I felt the same feeling again, being surrounded by cold dark water. I don't know why I felt so, I guess it is because I am not used to being in such large group and because I am so unhappy all the time that when I am in a place where is joy and fellowship, I feel like an outsider.

Yesterday when I attended a Halloween party in this house, I tried my best to be social but everyone just ignored me. I guess it is because they already have their group and I am not inside it.

But then again, I remind myself that I have already got everything; I live in a country with no wars and where abortion is legal, I earn money without having to work for it, I have a roof over my head and food and purty clothes and all that, and still have the gall to be sad and whine about how life sucks and all that.
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