14th December 2011

greyrainbow

To be honest, I don't want to be as bitter and nasty as I am now, even if I am soon to be 23 years old and not some sort of old spinster.
I would love to be happy, cheerful, open, helpful and friendly to other people, optimistic and all around more positive about things; I know my life would be a lot easier if I wasn't so pessimistic, but it's so goddamn hard to shake off 23 years of suffering, hate, shame and other.
I guess it takes many years of therapy and medication to finally become the person I want to be.

I guess it's a part of my mental illness that I view other people as evil; I have a feeling that if given the change, anyone would have something bad to say about me. I might just have a low self- esteem.

I hate it how angsty I feel, even if Christmas is coming. It feels like I am betraying the festive spirit and so on, if I don't always feel happy.

I feel like I'm going crazy. I'm drowning in hate and sorrow.
  • Current Mood: pissed off pissed off
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I remember when I was a teenager, I always had crappy clothes; a pair of baggy jeans and a t- shirt it was, day after day.
I wanted to dress into more, well, beautiful clothes, the kind you get at Hennes&Mauritz and so on. Hell, I could say I wanted to dress like every other girl on my junior high, I thought if I went with the flow I wouldn't be bullied.
My mom, who still had authority over my life, disagreed because I guess she didn't want to see her little girl "all tarted up", or something. As for me, I didn't want to be "different", I always thought I was some sort of freak of a nature or something like that.

When I went to high school, I started to dress into more "alternative" clothes, and what do you know, suddenly my mom wanted me to dress into "beautiful" clothes, like those from Hennes&Mauritz. And guess what, I was happy being a freak of a nature!

Nowadays my style is quite simple; I go to a certain store, whether it be a posh fashion store like Gina Tricot or a cruddy thrift store; if I find something that I like, I buy it. I really don't care if it's in or out of fashion or if it looks completely ridiculous on me, if I like it, I buy it.
  • Current Mood: bored bored