19th December 2011

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After waking up and falling back asleep again, I had a dream I was making love with Angel Lips. It felt so real, I almost felt her nipple in my mouth.

In another dream, I was walking in a seashore town and found an abandoned guinea pig in a cage. I wanted to take it to an animal shelter, but they rejected it, saying it would be best if the piggy was put to sleep.
I burst into tears when I realized that the poor piggy was about to lose its life; it also left me thinking more of matters of life and death.
It's so weird how very few people realize that every living thing on Earth is blessed with only one life, and some day we all wither and die and there's no coming back.
So many people think that things will get better once we die; either we go to Heaven or be born again, but there's no proof of what happens after we die (whatever it is, I hope it will be better than life).

I know there's no point in hoping that everything will get better after death, but it's just that I am very disappointed with my life. I have blundered every single change I have been given, and I'm still an ungrateful wreck even if I have an apartment, family, friends, pretty clothes and a change to eat chocolate cake for breakfast.

I know I should make the most of my life before I die, but how exactly? Every day I'm stuck in a rut that never seems to end; sleeping a lot, overindulging myself in chocolate, wanking off to online porn, ordering stuff from web shops... now that I think about it, it's actually the kind of life I like, but I think there should be more to life than this.

Then again, I shouldn't wish for better life now that things are already well enough. But do I want to live like this until I die?
I want to study and get my dream job, find a soul mate, publish my novels and perhaps travel.
I don't like traveling as I have neuroses; I always think I might get lost or misplace my luggage or forget my medicines at home. But maybe I will start liking traveling when I get older.

It's just that I can't imagine myself as a middle- aged woman without imagining myself as a nasty- ass bitch like Moona, a former nurse of Casa Franca who treated me like the nurses in the rehab ward. God, I hate her so fucking much.

Well, I guess there's nothing else to do than just live the life I have been given, and try to make the best of it.

I decided to sleep a little more, and got up somewhere at two p.m. when it was already getting dark.

I did the morning routines and went out; it was raining sleet. I went to the bank to withdraw the money my grandma had given me; she told me it would be for Christmas, but I can't afford anything else than groceries right now.

I went to the library to return a few items, then I went to Citymarket and bought a big box of tissues, a big pack of Mars bars, a chocolate cake and a bag of crisps.

I was thinking of going to Helsinki, but what would I do there?
Once home, I still didn't feel like dusting the carpets, so I just lazed my ass off, ate the goodies I had bought, surfed on the Internet and so on.

Tomorrow I will go see my nurse, I have a lot of stuff on my mind we should talk about. And also, I will receive the weekly allowance and I have to go shopping again, mainly for hygiene products and also, I need to buy Auroshikha incense; I have already run out of lily of the valley and rose.
  • Current Mood: sad sad
  • Current Music: Björk - Scatterheart