January 15th, 2015


Tietä käyden tien on vanki, vapaa on vain umpihanki.

Last night when I went to bed, I was feeling a bit down in the dumps as I usually do in the evenings. I was wondering how many chocolate bars I need to eat until I feel better.
I called a worker from ASPA, zie told me that it might be just fatigue after a long day, it might not be depression, hormonal or nutritional.

In the morning I didn't feel like having a wash, I just took my morning medicine, dressed up and anointed my face with lotion because my skin felt tight. I practically felt the corners of my mouth sting when I yawned and flexed my face.

I felt awful all that morning, even if I knew that my new healthy lifestyle has not yet gone down the toilet. I missed having a wash yesterday morning too, but at least I took a shower in the evening and remembered to floss my teeth and use mouthwash.

I felt moody and frustrated and quarreled with the delusions. I also drank too much water, even if I know that drinking lots of water is healthy, it made my stomach feel bad.

I decided to go to Citymarket and buy an iced latte, after returning home I was all smiles again and felt all Zen.

Later the day I decided to head to Girls House again. I took the bus 453 to Helsinki and took a subway to Hakaniemi.
I just sat by a table scribbling into my diary, twisting my face and feeling bitter, until it was time to go see my parents. My mother receives has hir payday each 15th day of the month so zie will give me 80 euros. I always use that monthly money to recharge my travel card so I can travel in the metropolitan area for a month, and I will buy something else with the rest of the money.

I took the bus 453 to Raappavuori, once in my parents' home I drank a cup of sweet milky coffee, ate a Karelian pie and my mom gave me 80 euros.

I walked to the old minimall and visited the kiosk to recharge the card, then I went to Sami's flea market and bought two greeting cards, one for Petruska who has hir birthday this Sunday and one for sweetcarolanne, to whom I shall send a late Christmas/birthday gift for the Valentine's day.

I took the bus 55 to Myyrmäki and now that I had such lovely lolly, I went to Hennes & Mauritz and bought a peach- colored dress, it has thin shoulder straps and silvery stars, and a black shirt with a heart- shaped daisy chain. I had wanted to buy an awesome Hulk beanie cap, but I had to leave money for other stuff.

I went to Citymarket and bought a box of assorted tea bags; it has marshmallow, chocolate, orange, chili, toffee and raspberry flavors. I'm sure I am going to love it.

Once back home, I put the tea box into the kitchen cupboard, cut the price tags off the clothes and put them into the laundry basket.
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    Cyndi Lauper - Girls just wanna have fun
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Even if I was in a bad mood in the morning, it got better. I bought some treats, visited Girls House, received money and bought yummy tea, amazing clothes, and a couple of birthday cards. And I know that I will, once again, feel depressed when I go to bed. But fortunately there's always tomorrow; I will meet Eija and a counselor from ASPA will visit me.

Next month I will start attending a free- of- charge meditation class. I hope it will help me to deal with my mood swings, delusions and bouts of depression; I take medicine and go to therapy, they have wiped out about 70 percent of the symptoms of my mental illness.

I think my favorite tea flavors are those with "zingy" flavor like peppermint and lemon, and those with sweet and "warm" flavors like licorice, chocolate and ginger. I like coffee with lots of milk and sugar, and cocoa too as long as it's not hot.
I have been thinking of giving up the iced lattes, those that are sold in bottles in grocery shops; they don't satisfy me the way they used to satisfy me before, not to mention they always use a large amount of my money. I have managed to get rid of my chocolate addiction, so I can manage to get rid of my iced coffee addiction.

I started a new diary yesterday, I have yet to take photos of it and post them into my journal.
I decided to give up some of my non- used diaries to charity, because I wanted to pare down my collection to the essentials. I got rid of the A4 sized diaries, they were too big and clumsy, and the ringbinders because they were too clumsy. Now I have only diaries from the Geepap brand, which is a Finnish brand, by the way, and the ones that do not fit any other category.

I have decided to postpone ordering the new vegan biker bitch boots again; if I order the boots, it will use up this month's guarantee welfare and 3/5 of next week's grocery money, and I need to buy lots of necessary things this month.
I need to order a new battery cellphone, it costs less than purchasing a whole new cellphone.
I need to pay back loans to my friends and pay Pärkele the partial payment from fitting piercing rings into the holes in my earlobes.
I need to purchase Valentine's day cards, and an equal amount of postage stamps.
I have buy a new membership card to the fitness center, so I can go to the gym and swimming pool again. Fortunately mentally/physically challenged people receive discount at the fitness center.
I need to buy clothes before the sales at Hennes & Mauritz and Cubus are over. I know that most of the clothes I want to buy are summery dresses, but then again, if I wait until summer, the sales will be over. I need to buy them now.
I also need to buy lots of sweaters, hoodies, trousers and other stuff that protect me from the cold. I'm glad that the past couple of weeks the temperature has been above zero and I haven't had to bundle up.
I need to pick up my mended clothes from the dressmaker's.
I also need to stock hygiene products now that I have taken up the habit of using dental floss (I use this special "flosser" which looks like a two- pronged fork with a tiny length of dental floss between the prongs, it's easier to reach your molars with them and more hygienic since you don't have to shove your fingers inside your mouth), hand disinfectant (I use it when I'm outside my home and don't have access to water and soap), xylitol pastilles (I take one after every meal and snack, and I need one for my home and one for my backpack to use when I'm outside my home) and mouthwash.
I also need to use my points at SnorgTees.com, now that I have got them. I received some points on my birthday last month and some when I subscribed to their newsletter, simply for the sake of receiving more points. I need to use that change now that I have got it.

I have been thinking of ordering the new boots in April 22nd, which falls on a Wednesday; I receive my guarantee welfare on each 22nd day, and weekly allowance each Wednesday.