January 29th, 2015


Hit me so hard I'll see stars

The past month I have felt depressed every night when I go to sleep. Sometimes I feel so sad that it's almost paralyzing. I just feel as if I want to be one with the night sky, and not to worry about anything. Fortunately I can always call the ASPA helpline and talk with a counselor.

Last night when I went to sleep, I tried to make myself as comfortable as possible, lied on my back and crossed my hands on the teddy bear snuggled into my chest and tried to meditate, breathe deeply and try to think about nice things like sunny meadows and baby seals.
Which reminds me, on February I am going to this free of charge meditation class that lasts for three weeks. I hope I will learn to meditate. I should also remember to do yoga every morning, I always forget it.

I had some nice dreams about Helsinki, it was as if it was 1970's in the 2015, there were wooden houses and colorful toys, there was summery sunshine and a dark winter night under the Yule stars, then I had some not nice dreams about Kuortti mansion, then I had a dream where I experimented with duct tape, I wrapped my boobs in it and then bound my chest because I wanted to look like a trans man. I woke up feeling so awkward that even my apartment felt unreal.

I managed to brush my teeth and take a shower. I had to wear a dress that I had previously worn yesterday.

I didn't feel like eating a breakfast, I just guzzled coffee by bucketfuls and soon I felt horrid.

I wish my menses would start soon, my PMS is driving me insane.

I overcame my agoraphobia and went out, rode buses around Vantaa and finally made it to Girls House. I sat around writing into my diary.

I went to see my parents in the evening and called my mom, I asked hir to give me some money so I can buy insect repellent, there are a shitton of banana flies buzzing around in my apartment and it's driving me insane.

I took the bus 453 to Martinlaakso and went to see my mom. Zie said something like zie is ill right now, I don't know what kind of illness it was about but it didn't sound good.
Mom gave me 15 euros, berated me about school and all around acted like the bitch zie is.

After I decided to leave, mom told me zie is going to walk me to the bus stop, but I decided to leave before hir because I got sick of hir tantrums and quarreling and complaining.

I barely made it to the bus 530 and traveled to Myyrmäki, Myyrmanni shopping mall was open for another hour so I bought Baygon bug spray.

Once home, I sprayed my kitchen and it didn't work. Now I am starting to wonder if I could fraud the welfare system by telling me I have 35,000 children dependent on me. Bow to the Welfare Queen of the Flies.

I blared the song Hit Me by The Sounds and wondered what it's like to live in an abusive relationship.
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    The Sounds - Hit Me
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