You deserve to be healthy, safe, loved, and very happy
4th April 2015
☮ I feel the need to write, so I guess I'll write about whatever subjects that come to my mind.
☮ This month I will receive both my weekly allowance and my monthly welfare on 22nd day which falls on Wednesday. I will use it to buy myself a pair of new vegan biker bitch boots, finally because my old boots have holes in them. I will buy the same pair from the same shop as the old ones, and this time I will buy right size!
☮ I don't think I will get any more piercings, I already have three in each of my earlobes and one ring on the right side of my nose, and that is enough for me.
☮ I want to make playlists on different subjects that are somehow close to me, but I'm quite lost for ideas. I could make one based on my favorite childhood hits, or teenage angst.
As usual when I have a sleepover at my parents' house, I woke up quite early. It may be because my old bed is uncomfortable, it makes my back hurt. Many times I have asked my parents to buy a proper mattress, but I think they have never given it a thought. The same applies to the furniture from IKEA; I need a bureau of drawers, a coffee table, a bookshelf, and a small table and a couple of chairs for dining, but still haven't received them.
I got up as quietly as I could, took my morning medicine, had a wash, dressed up, opened the laptop to surf on the Internet, and by the time I was cooking cinnamon- and apple- flavored instant porridge for my breakfast in the kitchen, my parents were already stirring in their beds.
My dad headed to a ball game, despite hir old age and ailments zie still plays in a small division and also goes to the gym five times a week. My mom took out the garbage and went to the drying room downstairs to hang the laundry, and as usual, zie grumbled that hir whole life is a nightmare from Hell because zie has to do all the housework.
I think my mom was being a bit dramatic. At that moment I thought that I would be happy if I was as busy as hir so I wouldn't be bored to tears, and even if my life has sometimes felt like a nightmare from Hell, it's not because of housework. But that's just how my mom is, when zie came to visit me when I had the herpes virus, my apartment was invaded by banana flies and zie practically flapped hir arms about and hollered curses at the flies, and despite my ailment I had to take out the garbage, wash the garbage bins and go to the store to buy insect repellent.
I was thinking of leaving and going back home, before my parents kick me out. But I didn't feel like breaking the comfortable feeling of being safe in my sanctuary, because at home I would have had to take out the garbage, wash the laundry, drink decaf coffee, and be alone with my increasingly twisted thoughts.
I took the bus 53 to Myyrmäki, went home, put my stuff in their rightful places, and felt rotten. I tried calling ASPA, but no one answered, so I called my therapist but I only felt I was bothering hir. Zie has told me that I can call hir if I have a crisis big enough. This time the crisis was about a triggering fanfiction I read when I had withdrawal symptoms when I ran out of Solian, and the fact that I had had a quarrel with a friend, and that I wanted to work out at the gym but didn't feel like going there.
After the phone call, I finally went out and visited the library to pick up some requests. At that moment, my cell rang, it was the ASPA worker who told me that zie had missed my phone call. I politely told hir that I have tried calling the helpline over and over during the weekend, but they always had an ambiguous recorded message in their answering machine. Zie told me, bewildered, that they had never once heard me calling.
I didn't let it bother me, I went to the gym. The first thing to do was to walk on a treadmill on Manual for half an hour. It was tough because I kept on reliving the quarrel I had had with my friend, and it made me mad. I tried to take several deep breathes through my nose and whisper my mantra: May it be that I am safe. May it be that I am loved. May it be that my soul is happy, may it be that my body is happy, but I felt embarrassed.
After half an hour, I used the exercise machines but then I got sick of it, so I went back home and bought a small pot of chocolate pudding with the change I made from empty bottles.
Once back home, I wondered what to do for the rest of the long day. I felt like a terminally ill person waiting for death. I scribbled into my diary, surfed on the Internet, tried to keep my hunger at bay, until I finally managed to wash three loads of laundry, hoover the floor and something else.