No matter how many pills I pop, write my diary, eat fruits, drink cocoa and read comics... ...No matter if I am cis and white, if I have a roof over my head, food and clothes... ...I am so unhappy, depressed, moody, anxious and frustrated.
I don't know if it's my PMS or low blood sugar or if it's too much caffeine in an empty stomach, yesterday could have been another day in paradise.
I wish there was someone who could just switch me off and fix me.
I had a dream where me, Pepper from the American Horror Story TV show and two real- life pinheads, sisters Elvira and Jenny Lee Snow, lived in a circus. I convinced Pepper to go to a Ramones concert with me, zie was a bit shy at first and was afraid other people would make fun of hir, but me and the Snow sisters styled hir hair and dressed hir into an adorable 80's outfit, a red sweater and a pair of denim dungarees, and in the concert two of the Ramones were really nice to us and told Pepper that zie looks very pretty, and Pepper was all cute and blushed and coy and shy and smiley!
I had slept wearing a brassiere and my favorite shirt and panties, normally I don't sleep in panties except that I was on my period.
In the morning I had a weird feeling; I woke up, looked at the sunshine seeping through the curtains and the sliver of dreamy blue sky between the curtains, turned over and fell back asleep, had another dream and repeated the same routine. I don't know why, but it felt somehow peculiar.
I got up later and didn't bother with morning routines, just took my morning medicine, threw on some clothes and ate a banana. Of course, I regretted it later.
Later Elyseé phoned me, zie asked if we can have a sleepover during the weekend. I said yes, we had some laughs and I felt very happy.
I went to see my mom today. I called my parents' landline phone to make sure someone is home; my mom was there, I asked a bit shyly if I can come over without hir throwing a hissy fit, and zie said I can. I took the bus 55 to Raappavuori, once in my parents' home, mom had just returned from the hairdresser's where zie had hir hair done with blonde highlights. I told hir I was glad I had such a beautiful mother, zie told me zie was glad zie had such a beautiful daughter, and I couldn't help but smile.
Mom swooned at my new shoes, I told hir Suvicita had bought them for me and I am paying hir back 20 euros a week. Mom told me that zie can help me with it; zie transferred 60 euros to my bank account, once I receive it (as we have our accounts in different banks, the money will probably arrive on Monday) I will transfer it to Suvicita's. At first I was thinking of keeping the 60 euros but still paying Suvicita 20 euros a week, so it would be a win- win situation for both of us, and I wouldn't feel the slightest bit of remorse in my mother's behalf because zie would never know. I know it's goes against my honesty and kindness and humbleness, but then again, I need money to buy groceries and pay my bills. And anyway, my mom demanded that I give her a receipt to prove that I have transferred the money, so I guess I will still be honest, kind and humble. Tee hee.
I drank coffee with milk and sugar by bucketfuls, ate a carrot, banana, plum tomatoes and some buttered oat bread, and when my mom announced zie is going grocery shopping, I decided to leave but managed to convince my mom to give me 15 euros.
I walked the sunny, dusty streets to the Martinlaakso train station, and felt my positive attitude returning. The breeze smelled of spring. I took the bus 510 to Myyrmäki and went to Citymarket to buy stuffs; lip balm, hand lotion, hand soap, and a Pinkie Pie plush key ring (they were out of Rainbow Dashes) to attach to my panda backpack.
Once home, I sampled the lotion but I squeezed too much out of the bottle and smeared some of it on the hem of my navy blue Dirndl dress, and took it off and put it to the laundry basket. Later the day I decided to head to Myyrmanni shopping mall to return bottles and buy some treats, so I put on my pajama pants and off I was.
In the evening I managed to take a proper shower, brush my teeth and wash my face and anoint my face and body with lotion.
Now I'm sad again. I wish I could have done something more important today, like contacted a long- lost friend, taken a walk in a part of Helsinki I haven't ever been before, went to the library, written a poem, that is, done something unique that I have never been before. But then again, there'll be plenty of days in the eternal line of tomorrows. And if I can come up with an idea, what's preventing me from doing it?
Actually, things are not that bad, I am just a bit maudlin right now. I'm still clinging to the hope that it gets better, and now that the weather is getting warmer and the days are getting longer, I'm going to feel mentally better.
✪ I hate everything. Money and school and responsibilities and feelings and relationships. Why can't I be a mermaid?
✪ I remember how in junior high I had an awful lot of pimples and I was bullied because of it, but I secretly loved my pimples because they were fun to pop. Once in my German class I started rubbing and scratching my nose gently, because I had heard that touching your face with your fingers made the pimples worse, and once home, I had about eight new whiteheads on the sides of my nose, and spent a pleasant afternoon popping them.
✪ I was thinking of heading to the mall, return empty bottles and buy a few pots of chocolate pudding. But then again, I have already taken off my dress and put it into the laundry basket because I managed to smear a good deal of hand cream on the hem. So I put on my pajama pants and off I was.
✪ I wish I had more motivation to brush my teeth. It might not be the most fanciest and interesting thing ever, but neither is cavities, halitosis, bleeding gums, and so on. But fortunately I have managed to brush my teeth more often than not brushing them.
✪ I also wish I could keep up this habit; every morning I drink nothing but water and eat nothing before I have brushed my teeth, and in the evening after brushing my teeth, I won't eat anything except maybe have a cup of tea.
✪ I have been thinking of keeping diary of my daily deeds; how much I exercised, what did I buy, food intake, whether I had a wash or not.
Hygiene: In the morning I didn't brush my teeth or have a wash, but I anointed my face with basic lotion. In the evening I took a shower, washed and conditioned my hair, washed my body with soap, anointed my body with Aqualan L, brushed my teeth and washed my face, and anointed it with Nivea Creme.
Food intake: One banana for breakfast. When I went to see my mom, I drank numerous cups of coffee with milk and sugar, a banana, half a carrot, two slices of oat bread with margarine, a box of cherry tomatoes. Two iced coffees and a pot of chocolate pudding with mint- flavored whipped cream.
Money spending: One bottle of iced coffees from S- Market in Martinlaakso shopping mall, one from Citymarket in Myyrmanni shopping mall. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Pinkie Pie key ring. A tube of lemon- scented hand cream. A pot of chocolate pudding.
Saturday, April 11th: Right after breakfast, I will go to the gym. I will walk on the treadmill on the Manual setting for half an hour, then try every single exercise machine, then lift weights, and perhaps go to the swimming pool and then to sauna. I will do housework; replace the towels and bed sheets and wash them, wash the dishes, scrub the bathroom, hoover and then mop the floor, keep the kitchen window and the balcony open to let fresh air in, wipe the kitchen counter and my writing desk clean, take out the recycling, and take the carpet outside to dust it. My friend Elyseé will come for a sleepover.
Sunday, April 12th: When Elyseé leaves, I will go along and go visit my parents. I will also finish the rest of the housework.
Monday, April 13th: I will call the health center and book a doctor's appointment for an annual check- up. I will also visit school and write the forms and then be an official drop- out. I will spend the rest of the afternoon at Girls' House.
Tuesday, April 14th:I will have a meeting in the psychiatric clinic with my mom and my nurse Saija at three o'clock in the afternoon. After that, I will go to the gym and swimming pool, and then to Girls' House.
Wednesday, April 15th: It will be my lucky day, I will receive the weekly allowance and as it's my mom's payday, zie will give me money like every month. I will buy the usual food and hygiene, pay 20 euros to Suvicita as the partial payment for the shoes zie bought me. I will have a therapy appointment at quarter past eleven in the morning, after that I will probably go to movies to see (depending on what kind of emotional crisis I am having) either Me Rosvolat or Kingsman.
Thursday, April 16th: Nothing special yet. I will probably go to Girls' House.
Friday, April 17th: Nothing special yet.
Saturday, April 18th: I will clean up my apartment, and this time I will wash my pillow and blanket as it's four months since the last time I washed them. I will go to the gym and then to the swimming pool.
Sunday, April 19th: I will do the rest of the housework, and go see my parents.
♥ I had a nice dream ♥ I wore one of my most loveliest outfit ♥ I went to see my mom ♥ My friend Elyseé phoned me and asked if we can have a sleepover during the weekend, I said yes ♥ The sun shone for the whole day ♥ I bought a Pinkie Pie key ring, lemon- scented hand cream, and my favorite treats ♥ I managed to take a shower and brush my teeth ♥ I didn't have an emotional crisis