Last night I had a dream where I had longer hair, I dyed it brown because a friend had encouraged me, and then I regretted it because as I have written before, I have decided not to dye my hair ever again because I want to let my natural beauty shine and my hair gets easily damaged. In another dream I was in a mental hospital and my roommate was one of my FaceBook friends who is a good person otherwise, I stole hir razorblade to shave my pubic hair. Then I had the usual erotic nightmares. I have also started having dreams where me and some other lunatics are visiting some kind of a hotel that’s an adorable old cottage in rural area.
I got up and about early; my mother sent me a text message telling me that I had forgotten my scarf at their place, I was glad that zie didn’t throw it into the garbage bin. I had some extra money and there was a discount in the UFF thrift shops, so I traveled to Helsinki and I was mighty disappointed when I learned that the clothes I had had my eye on since yesterday were already sold. I had wanted a red Dirndl dress and an off- white cotton dress and a cute rose- patterned apron, every single one of them was gone and I was mystified; who would want and need those clothes more than me? Who the eff copies my style? But then I was glad that now I had more money to spend on something else.
I visited Tiger in order to buy a cute plastic toy that I had had my eye on for a while, but they were sold out. D’oh!
I took the bus 453 to Raappavuori and went to my parents’ home, picked up my scarf, drank some orange juice and took the bus 35 to Myyrmäki. I bought Rimmel London strengthening nail base coat and Lumene Natural Code nail polish, glittery pink.
Once home, it was already almost three o’clock in the afternoon, and I made plans for the rest of the day; I needed to wash laundry, mail my paternal grandmother a Mother’s day card, and also, I had a gilded pendant that had accidentally been smeared with sunflower oil from a tuna tin. I used the old trick, that is, pour water into a glass with a small drop of dishwashing detergent and put the pendant and chain to soak overnight. I also needed to go to Horror Shop and put a pair of biker boots for sale.
I painted my nails, first I applied the strengthening base coat and then two layers of the pink glitter polish. It dried quickly and now my nails feel strong and look gorgeous <3
I washed a load of laundry, then another. Tomorrow I am going to clean up the whole apartment like every weekend. I have decided to have a major housecleaning each weekend and not only on halfway through the month; from tomorrow on, I will hoover and mop the floor, including under the furniture; clean up the fridge, take the carpet out to dust it and perhaps wash the dishes.
I decided to go to Horror Shop, I traveled to Konala on the bus 39 and once there, Perkele wasn’t there. I asked the shop assistant to put the boots aside and told hir I am coming over next week.
I took the bus 363 to Vantaankoski, then the bus 52 to Myyrmäki. I was in a good mood. Once home, the first thing to notice was that the air in my apartment was a bit damp because of the laundry I had hung on the clotheshorse. I opened the window to let fresh air in, and later the day I managed to break the clotheshorse (mind, this is about the tenth clotheshorse I have owned in my life)! I was so mad I felt like banging my head against the wall, but then I calmed down and put my underwear on the radiator to dry, and took the clothes downstairs to the drying room (I accidentally wrote frying room. Silly me).
I decided to spend the rest of the evening by going for a bike ride, but the back tire was out of air even though I had it pumped this Wednesday.
I feel like I am in mania, but I also feel confident, brave, funny and I have had such a good day. I took my evening medicine so I would calm down.
I don't know if it’s only my PMS or the side effects of my depression medicine dosage increase, but I have been thinking about suicide again. I would commit suicide if I could, but I’m running out of ideas; I am too good a swimmer to drown, I don’t want to make anyone be late from work by jumping under a train, taking an overdose of medicine makes me puke, I don’t own a gun and not to mention I cannot afford to buy a length of rope to hang myself.
I read the book Brothers Lionheart and The Lovely Bones which are about life after death, and the book Veronica decides to die which is about suicide.
So I wrote a poem.
I will rise as a star into the night sky I will soar as a seagull across the ocean I will leap as a dolphin in the sun– spangled water Never will I again be afraid, hungry or cold.
I will shine like the sun I will glow like the moon I will see all my beloved again And one day you will see me too.