There's no point in denying it; for the past week I have been depressed to the point of being suicidal. I'm not sure, but one reason could be that it's the side effect of my anti- depressant, after the dosage was increased.
The only thing that prevents me from ending my life is the fact that I don't know a proper method for ending my life, so I guess I just have to keep on truckin'.
Razors pain you, rivers are damp,
Acid stains you, drugs cause cramps,
Gun aren't lawful, nooses give,
Gas smells awful, you might as well live.
Anyway, yesterday evening I was crying my poor eyes out while writing into my diary, I practically watered the pages with my tears. I called the ASPA helpline, but as usual, no one answered. I called the national crisis center, and a man answered, which only made me feel worse.
Zie called me an ambulance, I was taken to Peijas hospital, I had to wait for hours until I was interviewed by a nurse, then again by the same nurse, then by a psychiatrist, then I got bored and decided that life is going to prevail as usual, so I sat around scribbling into my diary, wondering how ironic life is after all, until the first bus to Myyrmäki left. It had rained heavily, the brooks babbled and early birds were singing. I felt weirdly happy.
Once home, I surfed on the Internet and then slept for a few hours, still feeling a bit achy and pukey. I got up at eleven o'clock in the morning and knowing it was Wednesday, I logged in to my online bank account; I had received a sufficient amount of money, so I paid a debt of 20 euros to Suavecita, renewed my Netflix membership and then I was off to the bank to withdraw the money.
It was cold and rainy, the sky was grey.
After withdrawing the money, the first thing to do was to go to the local pharmacy to buy a new batch of anti- depressants, then I went to Citymarket and bought a big packet of toilet paper and enough food to serve me until Friday when I get more money. I need lots of healthy food, but I should also consider my meager finances.
It was a chore trying to haul a big bag of groceries with one arm, a big packet of toilet paper with the other, and two iced lattes in each hand, but I have done it many times so I managed to do it this time.
Once home, my apartment smelled of pig fart which is a sign that I should wash the dishes before they start sprouting mushrooms.
I put the groceries into their rightful places, drank the iced lattes, and spent time on the Internet until it was time to go see my therapist, we had an appointment today at two o'clock in the afternoon. It's a blessing I had the appointment today after my emotional crisis.
I had been thinking of walking to Malminkartano train station, and once in Helsinki, I could have walked to Kamppi, in order to exercise rather than relying on transports all the time, but I was still feeling too faint so I took the M train from Myyrmäki train station and once in Helsinki, I took the subway to Kamppi.
During the appointment, I told my therapist Jaana about my suicidal tendencies and talked about this and that and then we made a new appointment on Tuesday, May 19th at quarter past two o'clock in the afternoon.
I still had money left, so I went to UFF on Fredrikinkatu and bought a new blouse, hot pink with yellow and green upside down heart pattern. It's originally a kid's pajama top, but serves well as a blouse :> I also bought myself a bag of salt & vinegar crisps, and some iced lattes.
I took the M train back to Myyrmäki, bought a birthday card to my friend Viivi, a bottle of face toner, and two lightbulbs, and then went back home.
Once back home, I started doing housework; I washed two loads of laundry, washed the dishes, scrubbed the toilet bowl and opened the balcony door and kitchen window to let fresh air in.
Later the evening I went back to Myyrmanni to return bottles, I made 70 cents and put them into my piggy bank.