You deserve to be healthy, safe, loved, and very happy
14th May 2015
I'm worried about my finances again, which is nothing new since I have to make a living on meager benefits, but this month I need to buy many things.
First and foremost, I need a new pair of vegan biker bitch boots, I cannot put it off anymore. My old boots are practically falling apart, the rubber soles are torn and every time I walk through snow or rain, my socks get wet and it feels lousy.
I need a new clotheshorse; I can dry my laundry in the common drying room downstairs, and I can put my underwear to dry on the radiator. But I am constantly afraid that someone will steal my laundry.
I need a new pair of heavy- duty fingerless gloves to wear during the chilly weather, and especially when I go for bike rides.
I need a new CD player, I know that a toy shop named BR Lelut in Kamppi shopping mall have Hello Kitty CD players for sale.
I am running out of biotin and multivitamin, they don't come in cheap.
And I also need brassieres, it's hard to find one that is A) affordable, B) pretty and C) my size. I also need new ankle socks, fortunately I know a design shop named Happy Socks in Punavuori, they have a cute design and not to mention they're heavy- duty so they don't tear too easily. But they don't come in cheap.
And there'll be a new selection in the UFF thrift shops next week, and the weekend after that there'll be World Village festival, and I need money for that.
My mom agreed to give me 100 euros tomorrow, I will recharge my travel card, buy the necessary groceries and the fingerless gloves. Next week I need to pay a partial payment debt for a friend, and add the rest of the money to the shoe fund; I will receive my guarantee welfare on Friday.
Current Mood: worried
Current Music:Pelle Miljoona Unabomber - Leipäjonossa on tunnelmaa
Last night I was feeling anxious, it was the evening blues as usual. I munched on a whole bag of salt & vinegar crisps I had bought earlier the day.
I went to bed fully clothed, because the clothes felt like a warm cocoon. I knew I should have changed into pajamas, but my anxiety made me feel like I didn't want to be naked in my own apartment.
Once in bed, I still felt anxious, but I managed to calm myself down by masturbating and fantasizing about Charles Augustus Magnussen, a character from BBC Sherlock, I might have found hir otherwise repulsive but masturbating makes everything better <3
I slept like a log for the whole night, and had a dream where I went to IKEA in my underwear on a wintry night and had to sleep in a snowdrift because I missed the last bus. In another dream I dreamed about sleeping in my old bed at my parents’ home, and had to open my eyes to see that it was actually my apartment I was sleeping in. I also had a dream where I visualized my own script to the movie Stargirl. When I once mentioned these dreams to my therapist, the ones where I visualize my own scripts to movies, zie told me I should write them down since zie knows I like writing.
I started worrying that I might sleep for the whole day, but I guessed that I had to sleep off the sleep debt because I had stayed awake all night between Tuesday and Wednesday. But when I got up and looked at my cellphone clock, I noticed it was only quarter past ten o’clock in the morning.
I took my medicine, had a wash, ate a healthy breakfast (a bowl of organic instant cocoa- flavored oatmeal porridge, a carrot, banana and satsuma, and a glass of milk), and took my vitamin supplements.
I went to see my parents as it was a holiday; “helatorstai”, Ascension Day is a national holiday in Finland, all the shops were closed. I had decided to ride my bicycle there, but for some annoying reason the back tire was flat! I had to walk to Raappavuori, it was okay because it wasn’t raining and the sun shone, but the delusions and the flat tire bothered me.
The whole corridor smelled of homely cooking, and I knew that my mom was making lunch. Zie had cooked food with meat, and I had just eaten breakfast, or should I say brunch because it had been between breakfast and lunchtime. So I just made coffee and ate some fruits and veggies and the blueberry pie my mom had baked. I took a shower and used the rest of the lovely lemon & honey conditioner for blonde hair (it was actually meant for bleached hair, I have naturally dirty blonde hair). Mom wanted to style my hair with hairspray, I let hir do it. To be honest, it looked like an owl’s head feathers, and my mom laughed so hard zie started coughing. Later the day when zie went for a walk, I brushed my hair flat and then I left.
I walked to Martinlaakso bus station and caught the bus 53 to Myyrmäki. My boots felt like they were going to fall apart.
Once in Myyrmäki, I went walkabout in the neighborhood; I noticed that someone had left a small box on a bench, it was a cardboard box painted dark blue and adorned with small white lace roses. I peeked inside, it was full of clay figures and train tickets and old coins, someone’s memories. I was afraid someone would steal it or it would be ruined when it rained, but decided to leave it there.
Once home, I called my dad and asked hir if zie can fix my bicycle; as I mentioned earlier, the back tire is flat again. Dad said that I might need a new back tire, and told me I can bring it over and zie will fix it. I told hir I am bringing it over tomorrow when I come to fetch the monthly allowance. Am I glad zie didn’t get angry as I would have thought.
I decided to go to the gym, now that I had the time, and not to mention that I had made the decision to exercise as often as I can in order to fight my increasing depression and anxiety, and to keep my body healthy. Before leaving, I decided to change my two days old clothes (denim dungarees and a sweater) into a loose- fitting tartan dress, it was too hot for overlapping clothes and besides the dress was easy to take off in the gym when I changed clothes.
I walked on the treadmill on Manual setting for 20 minutes, and 4 minutes on Cool Down setting. Then I used the exercise machines for half an hour. When I left the gym, I noticed that I walked slower than usual, which is a positive sign because usually I walk like I would be skiing, and many people with whom I have walked alongside have complained about it, especially my mom. Except for my friend Emjuso who has said that zie walks as fast as me.
Once home, I distracted myself by doing housework; I fetched the laundry from the drying room and took the underwear and other small laundry off the radiator and put them into their rightful places, and I also arranged the folded dresses in my closet.
Soon I started feeling bored again, so I called my mom and asked hir if I can come over again, zie said it was okay. I took the bus 55 to Raappavuori, once in my parents’ place I just drank coffee and watched America’s Funniest Home Videos with mom and surfed on LiveJournal. I decided to leave before eight o’clock in the evening. It was a blessed sunny evening, I took the bus 530 to Myyrmäki, took a couple of photos, and once home my apartment smelled fresh and clean. Don't tell any robbers, but sometimes when I go outside I leave the windows open to let fresh air in.