May 15th, 2015


My life is a parade of unhappy anniversaries.

Usually if I have something special to do during daytime, appointments and such, I might have dreams about it the night before; such as today when I had an appointment with my nurse and I had to visit my parents to pick up my monthly allowance.
The dreams are usually anguishing, such as last night when I dreamed about riding my bicycle to Raappavuori, getting lost, my clothes tearing, my bicycle breaking, and being late from the appointment.

After getting up, I took my morning medicine and while having a wash, I noticed I had forgotten to take my Cipralex pill. I swallowed it and continued having a wash. I also used the face toner.

I did some simple stretches, but that my armpits and inner thighs still hurt from yesterday's gym visit so much that I couldn't manage to exercise. I dressed up, had a healthy breakfast and took my vitamin supplements, then I turned on my laptop to surf on the Internet.

Once in the psychiatric policlinic, I felt like I was fragile and sensitive, willful and defiant at the same time.

During the appointment, I just stared at the fluorescent ceiling lamps, and answered my nurse's questions with "Yeeeees..." or "Noooooo...", or just with sighs and grunts.

After the appointment, I took the bus 53 to Raappavuori and went to my parents' home to collect the money. Mom had given me 80 euros, when I had actually asked for 100 euros.
I made a cup of coffee, then I walked to the old mini- mall and recharged my travel card. I was told that my pensioner discount will end this month, and that's why I could only recharge it until May 31st. At least it cost less. I need to call the social insurance institution and ask them to send me a piece of paper as a proof that I qualify for welfare, so I can still get discount.

I took the bus 453 to Helsinki, on the way there my nurse Saija called me again and told me that zie had talked with the doctor, and zie had said that I can start taking 75 milligrams of Ketipinor each evening. Saija also told me that my mom had called hir and bitched about my poor education.

Once in Helsinki, I took the subway to Kamppi and visited the shopping center. I went to Morticia, a gothic & punk & alternative & cyber & lolita & metalhead clothing store, and bought myself a pair of heavy- duty fingerless leather gloves to wear during the chilly spring weather, and while riding my bicycle.

I took the bus 452K to Myyrmäki, and went to Citymarket to buy groceries. I wish I had enough money left to buy birthday cards.

Gee, I didn't notice it's almost six o'clock in the evening. Time's a- wasting.
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I feel a bit unhappy right now, and at the same time I feel guilty for wasting my one and only life by not being happy.

I have, once again, taken up the habit of saving my spare change. I have decided that each day when I receive money, I will buy the necessary food and hygiene first, and then put the rest of the money into my piggy bank (or "elephanty bank", more like) and once it's full, I will take it to the bank and ask them to deposit it.
I have also been thinking of closing my savings account, I don't use it anymore.

As you can read from my past entries, I need to make a choice between buying new boots and buying a CD player & bicycle pump & vitamin supplements & clotheshorse & brassieres & ankle socks, and I also need money for the festival during the weekend, and now that there'll be a new selection in the UFF thrift shops in Helsinki, I need to buy the Dirndl dresses before someone else will buy them.

First world problems

I know I am updating too much, but I need to get this out of my system.

I have been practically fuming with anger all day, even if I have eaten a healthy breakfast so it's not my blood sugar, my period is not due so it's not my PMS, I have taken my medicine so it's not my usual psycho attitude, and nothing bad has happened. I'm scared that I will hurt myself or do something regrettable. I'm truly scared.

As I mentioned earlier, my own nurse called me today and told me that my doctor has given me the permission to increase my Ketipinor into 75 milligrams each evening. I was also told I can increase my anti- depressant, Cipralex, to 20 milligrams each morning.

Why is it so, that I have got it better than many other people, and I am still bitching about how my life is a complete pisshole? I mean, I am white, cis, able- bodied and I am not sexy and beautiful enough to become a victim of sexual abuse, I have a stable home, a working toilet, Internet connection, private therapist, and I make enough money to pay for my food, hygiene, medicine, bills and rent even if I have never worked a day in my life, I live in a country where are no wars or natural disasters, I have pretty clothes, loving parents, friends and relatives.

A middle- class child cries their eyes out because they got an iPad of wrong color as a birthday present, while a poor child finds a peculiar- looking stone from a field, and feels like the luckiest kid in the world.