May 20th, 2015


(no subject)

As I mentioned before, I have had dumbass dreams the mornings, they fuck up my perception of reality. These mornings I have had nice and pleasant dreams, they make no sense as dreams usually don't, but at least they don't ruin my day before it has already begun.

I managed to get up moderately early, about at half past nine o'clock. I had to practically force myself to brush my teeth and have a wash which is okay, and I also noticed that the skin around my mouth is flaky and red, and it feels tight and burning. My nose also runs a bit, I guess it's some sort of allergy but I'm not sure. I better go to allergy tests.

I also managed to cook a decent breakfast. While waiting for my porridge to harden, I turned on my laptop, logged in to my online bank account to see if I had money (yesterday I talked to my grandmother on the phone and zie said zie sent me money) and I had 20 euros.

I didn't rush to the bank, but ate my breakfast in peace; the oatmeal was too hot and tasted boring with water, but I was out of milk.

I went to the bank, withdraw the money and bought some treats. Once back home, I updated my blog about yesterday and then my doorbell rang; it was Kaarina, my ASPA worker, and yet another student.

I managed to wash the dishes, rearrange my CD/DVD/book collection and swept the floor, while talking to Kaarina and the nurse student. I didn't have much to say because I have been well for the past week.

Later the day when Kaarina and the student left, I went along with them; I had to go to Helsinki to see my therapist, we had an appointment at quarter past two o'clock.

I took the M train to Helsinki and a subway to Kamppi. Suddenly I had a terrible need to poop, so I had to go to my therapist's office about ten minutes before our appointment and use the bathroom.

Speaking of the need to poop, yesterday I realized that I am hyper- sensitive about my physical feelings; I felt the need to take a shower, because I felt grimy and sweaty, and I felt the need to poop but nothing came out.

During the therapy appointment, it went as usual; I felt like I had tons of things on my mind, but I just couldn't express them; I couldn't find the right words to cast out the demons in my soul.

We made a new appointment on next Monday, at two o'clock in the afternoon.

I was sad when I realized that most of the money was gone, I had bought too many treats along the day.
When I was a child and Finland still had marks as currency, I thought that 120 marks was a huge sum of money; now that I'm grown up and instead of 120 marks I have 20 euros, I have had to notice that it's not a huge sum of money after all.

I went to the pharmacy in Kamppi shopping center, and asked the pharmacist about the best kind of lotion to treat the itchy and burning skin around my mouth, zie looked at my face from different angles and then suggested Bepanthen, I chose the emulsion rather than the "greasy" one, because it dries faster and doesn't feel too sticky.
After returning a few iced latte bottles, I made enough money to buy a tube of the aforementioned lotion.

I was thinking of going to Girls' House for the afternoon, but I remembered I had to go to Myöhätuuli, so I took the bus 363A to Pähkinärinne.

This time we walked around the nearby lake and had a picnic. It was nice, the sunlight felt warm and the breeze was nicely chilly.

Later the day I walked to Myyrmäki. Elyseé called on the way and asked me if zie and Emjuso can come over tomorrow at noon, I said it was okay.

Once home, I fetched the laundry from the drying room, ironed and folded it into the cupboard.

I don't know the reason behind it, but for the past week I have been terribly angry and moody and frustrated; I practically fume with anger. I would never take it out on other people, except when I'm alone in my apartment I quarrel with the delusions I have, and that's when my speech gets weird and I start lisping. This evening I had to take an extra dose of tranquilizers to calm myself down.

But by now I feel alright, I'm watching American Horror Story: Murder House on Netflix.

I have been thinking of taking better care of myself, that is, being more healthy. Then I realized that it might become a neurosis; I won't be able to brush my teeth with a plastic toothbrush, eat bread anymore or write into my diary after going to bed because they are all a hazard to my health. Boo yah!
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(no subject)

Yesterday evening I was in a terribly angry mood for no reason at all, and I truly mean it; nothing too bad had happened during the day, actually I had had a nice busy day. I had eaten well, so it wasn't my low blood sugar. And my period isn't due yet, so it isn't my PMS. So what was it?

I took my evening medication in time, then I took an extra dose of tranquilizers, and I almost took an overdose because I was so frustrated, but fortunately I had a moment of clarity.

I went to bed and took my laptop along, I watched American Horror Story: Murder House on Netflix. I really enjoyed it, it was nice identifying the same actors that had acted in Asylum, which is the second season of AHS.

I stayed awake until three o'clock in the morning, then I finally turned off my laptop and slept till morning; I got up about at half past nine o'clock, and I was happy I would receive money today.

I didn't bother with the morning routines, I just put on my favorite blouse I have had since junior high, and a pair of pajama pants that had period blood stains in the crotch.
I dabbed lotion on my face, the skin around my mouth was so dry it felt as if it was crinkling. I should see a doctor if I am having an allergic reaction of some sort.

Anyway, I went to the bank and withdraw 66 euros. Then I went to Citymarket and bought enough food supplies for a week. It cost me 62 euros, I was sad about how expensive everything is these days.

Once home, I put the groceries into their rightful places and ate some chocolate- filled chocolate chip cookies I had bought. I also scrubbed the toilet bowl, that's something I do every Wednesday and Saturday.

My friends Elyseè and Emjuso came to see me, we had a good time and laughed a lot and watched funny videos on YouTube.

Later the day me and Elyseé went to Girls' House, Emjuso went to see hir boyfriend. We took the bus 452 to Helsinki, then the subway to Hakaniemi, once in Girls' House we sat around and Elyseé drank coffee and I drank cocoa.
For some reason, I got a chill of headache and my stomach was in knots. I had to go to the bathroom to throw up, and what do you know, I felt better.

Later the day Elyseé went to see hir boyfriend, I decided to go see my parents. I called my mom's cellphone, zie answered in a groggy voice; zie mumbled that zie had had a surgery today and zie was still out of it, and said it's okay, I can come over. I took the bus 363A to Vantaankoski and walked to Raappavuori.

Both of my parents were home. I made coffee and ate a handful of cherry tomatoes, and later the day walked to Myyrmäki and went to Citymarket to buy a raspberry yoghurt chocolate bar.

Once home, I managed to eat a huge bag of cheezy poofs and wash three loads of laundry. For the rest of the evening, I might watch Murder House.

Tomorrow I will see Eija for the last time, we will go to the modern art museum Kiasma and then to a cafe or a restaurant.
If I am awake and up early enough, I might go to the fitness center to work out at the gym and then to the public swimming pool.
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