May 28th, 2015


(no subject)

I have been doing mostly okay; I have exercised daily, kept my apartment tidy, eaten well and stopped spending my money on iced lattes.
I used to be addicted to iced lattes the way I used to be addicted to chocolate, but I got over my chocolate addiction without actually addressing the problem, I just got over it as time passed. And nowadays I don't even like chocolate the way I used to; it used to cheer me up and make me feel as if every day was a party, just like the iced lattes, but not anymore.

Despite my healthy life, I have started feeling depressed in the evenings, no matter how pleasant day I have had. I feel so devastatingly sorrowful, as if I am drowning in deep, cold, dark water. I don't know why. I guess it's my blood sugar. And now I have got PMS, so instead of being sad, I am angry and bitter.

(Usually I write the pathos after the daily entry.)

I had dreams about many different things, and the usual erotic nightmares. I slept all the way to quarter past two o'clock in the afternoon, and I don't know why. I guess my bed just felt comfortable.

I already felt bitter when I finally got up, I didn't have a wash or exercise or eat a breakfast; I just took my morning medicine, dressed up and surfed on the Internet. I also didn't go to the gym.

I felt a voice in my head laugh and make fun of me for not being able to fulfill my decision to exercise every morning and evening.
It was a memory from the time when me and my brother were teenagers; every time I said I was going to start doing something regularly, like a hobby, zie just laughed at me and said it's never going to work, that I am going to do it only once and then get sick of it, and also made a list of everything that could go wrong with my decision.
The voice said everything my brother always said.

I decided to go see my mother, I didn't feel like going outside but I also didn't feel like staying inside my apartment.

My carpet was still in the balcony, I didn't feel like taking it outside to dust it. Seeing the bare floorboards made me feel anxious, I guess it's because it reminds me of my laziness and being unmotivated towards doing housework.

I took the bus 53 to Raappavuori, I could have rode my bicycle but I decided not to; I didn't eat a breakfast so burning off all my leftover energy would only make me feel even worse.

Once in my parents' home, my mother was there and zie didn't say a word about my weird clothes.
I took a shower while zie went grocery shopping, zie stayed a bit late and I was getting worried, as usual; I thought zie had been hit by a car, or worse.

I really love the feeling after taking a shower, I feel so clean and fresh.
Mom had brought a bun loaf and a carton of milk, so I made coffee.

Later the evening I was amazed how calm and collected I felt, as if my PMS was gone. I managed to walk to Myyrmäki with my mother walk- pushing hir bicycle along with me. We went to Myyrmanni shopping mall where mom bought me an ice cream, and we hung around for a while until I went back home.

Later the evening I decided to head back to Citymarket, I wanted to buy some treats. I ran into my friend Mirva whom I have known since high school, zie was looking for baking ingredients and I bought two small carrot cakes and a can of chocolate "milk" derived from oat.

Once home, it was getting late. I managed to take my evening medicine, have a wash and do all the exercises.
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