💛 Feeling a sense of hope when everything seemed hopeless 💛 Feeling safe and cozy when surfing on the Internet 💛 I called my ASPA worker and they answered immediately, I managed to have a good talk with them 💛 Knowing that if nothing lasts forever, neither is pain and anguish 💛 Doing housework 💛 Knowing that I am a smart and kind person
It's weird how very often when I'm home, I feel anxious. I guess that if home is where the heart is, it's also where my head is, where all the anxiety and neuroses come together. Very often I feel the need to be someplace else, go for a bike ride, visit my parents, go to a library or art museum, but then I feel my slight agoraphobia kick in, and I know that if I go out, I will be harassed. It's peculiar, isn't it? I have been harassed about ten times in my life, and I have always overcome it. Not to mention, the harassment I have had to endure has nothing to do with the length of my skirt; on the contrary, it has everything to do with the harasser who is very obviously just an attention seeking, sexually frustrated neckbeard whose mommy didn't breastfeed him long enough. But still.
I wish I could learn to enjoy my life and be happy, courageous and confident. But then again, I wouldn't wear a meat suit around wild animals.
💙 I know it's getting late, and I should go to sleep because I am worried about how staying awake and tapping away on my laptop affects my health, but I am having too much fun. And having fun is healthy, like Moomins believe.
💙 I have kind of lost my interest towards urbane adventures and all around going to Helsinki ever so often. I don't know the reason but I don't think it's my mild agoraphobia.
💙 I really should purchase myself a backpack that doesn't break too easily; right now the inside of the lining in my panda backpack has torn. I know that an army surplus store, Varusteleka, which is a bike ride away from my home, sells nifty backpacks and they come in a pretty pink color.
💙 I wonder why I am wide awake, I took my evening medicine and also a few tranquilizers.
Monday, June 15th: My ASPA worker will visit me at half past ten o’clock in the morning (10:30 am). I will have a therapy appointment at quarter past noon (12:15 pm). After that, I will go visit my mom, it will be her 65th birthday and she will retire from work. It’s also her payday, she will give me the monthly 80 euros which I will use to recharge my travel card. After recharging my travel card, I will travel Helsinki. I will go see the movie Mad Max: Fury Road in Kinopalatsi movie theater at half past two o’clock in the afternoon (2:30 pm). I will go to the gym in the evening.
Tuesday, June 16th: I will pack for the journey to Kangasala; I will take a clean nightie, my Dosett, toothbrush, my laptop and the USB dongle, my diary, and enough clothes for a week, along with my gym clothes, and the book I usually read when visiting my grandmother, Syysprinssi (“Autumn prince”) by Anja Kauranen.
Wednesday, June 17th: If my grandmother is healthy enough by now, I will go visit her for a week. I will have to take the bus 39 to Kamppi, since I have my luggage along; normally I would walk to the Malminkartano train station and take the M train. I will buy a cold- smoked salmon bagel and a jar of Snapple pink lemonade for the journey. I will take the Greyhound bus to Tampere, it leaves at five to four o’clock in the afternoon (3:55 pm) from Kamppi. Once in Tampere, I will take the local bus to Kangasala, grandmother should be waiting for me.
Thursday, June 18th: I will go to the local gym in Kangasala. I might also visit Tampere, go to cafes, art museums and thrift shops.
Friday, June 19th: It will be Midsummer’s Eve, I don’t have any special plans yet.
Saturday, June 20th: I will most likely stay at my grandmother’s, because it’s another boozing holiday.
Sunday, June 21st: I will go to the gym.
Monday, June 22nd: I will receive my monthly welfare. It will also be my second name day, since my second name is Pauliina.
Tuesday, June 23rd: I will travel back home.
Wednesday, June 24th: I will receive the weekly allowance. As soon as the bank is opened, I will go withdraw the money and then travel to Helsinki; I will go to Heluna shop and buy the vegan boots I have had my eye on for a while. If I have money left, I will buy the necessary groceries.
Thursday, June 25th: Nothing special yet.
Friday, June 26th: As my last dentist appointment was canceled, I will have another today at Myyrmäki health center at twenty past noon (12:20 pm).
Saturday, June 27th: I will do housework, and go to the gym.
Last night when I went to bed, I took my cellphone and laptop along. I called the ASPA helpline and had a hearty talk. I also updated my journal until I found nothing to write about.
I turned off my laptop and wrote into my diary; "I should go to sleep", and fell asleep almost immediately after putting away my diary.
I woke up early in the morning because I needed to pee, so I went to the bathroom. I don't think I have ever peed that much! I looked at the clock, it was half past two o'clock in the morning (2:30 am). I went back to sleep.
I had intriguing dreams, I don't know how to describe them but they were amazing.
I got up at three o'clock in the afternoon (3:00 pm), and felt good enough.
I put on my black & white Ramones hoodie and a pair of pink Hello Kitty fleece pants. I anointed my face with lotion, and noticed that the corners of my mouth are chapping again.
I went to see my parents like every Sunday, so I took the bus 55 to Raappavuori. Mom was going to Alepa to buy groceries, dad was cleaning windows and my brother was eating grapes.
I drank coffee, ate whatever food I could find, and later the day I took the bus 530 to Myyrmäki.
Once home, I felt anxious and stressed and the delusions bothered me, and I felt miserable because I didn't feel like doing housework.
I took two tranquilizers, it helped me calm down but also made me feel uneasy and fearful. I took my evening medicine, ate a little supper and noticed that I am running out of food; which didn't bother me because I will receive money tomorrow, and I don't need to buy much food considering that I am going to be away from home for a week when I go see my grandmother. I will buy a liter of milk and a few pieces of fruit, and that'll do.
I feel alright now, eating a healthy snack and taking my medicine made me feel better. I also managed to brush my teeth, stretch and exercise, and I have to take a shower and anoint my skin with lotion, then I will go to bed.