June 14th, 2015


Counting my blessings

💛 Feeling a sense of hope when everything seemed hopeless
💛 Feeling safe and cozy when surfing on the Internet
💛 I called my ASPA worker and they answered immediately, I managed to have a good talk with them
💛 Knowing that if nothing lasts forever, neither is pain and anguish
💛 Doing housework
💛 Knowing that I am a smart and kind person

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It's weird how very often when I'm home, I feel anxious. I guess that if home is where the heart is, it's also where my head is, where all the anxiety and neuroses come together.
Very often I feel the need to be someplace else, go for a bike ride, visit my parents, go to a library or art museum, but then I feel my slight agoraphobia kick in, and I know that if I go out, I will be harassed.
It's peculiar, isn't it? I have been harassed about ten times in my life, and I have always overcome it. Not to mention, the harassment I have had to endure has nothing to do with the length of my skirt; on the contrary, it has everything to do with the harasser who is very obviously just an attention seeking, sexually frustrated neckbeard whose mommy didn't breastfeed him long enough.
But still.

I wish I could learn to enjoy my life and be happy, courageous and confident. But then again, I wouldn't wear a meat suit around wild animals.

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💙 I know it's getting late, and I should go to sleep because I am worried about how staying awake and tapping away on my laptop affects my health, but I am having too much fun. And having fun is healthy, like Moomins believe.

💙 I have kind of lost my interest towards urbane adventures and all around going to Helsinki ever so often. I don't know the reason but I don't think it's my mild agoraphobia.

💙 I really should purchase myself a backpack that doesn't break too easily; right now the inside of the lining in my panda backpack has torn. I know that an army surplus store, Varusteleka, which is a bike ride away from my home, sells nifty backpacks and they come in a pretty pink color.

💙 I wonder why I am wide awake, I took my evening medicine and also a few tranquilizers.
  • Current Music
    Andrew Lloyd Webber - Grizabella the Glamour Cat
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(no subject)

I wish I will feel better tomorrow.

I wish I could somehow curb my delusions, and that I wouldn't have to argue aloud with them in order to silence them.

I wish that tomorrow I will be able to get up from the bed, stretch and smile and do the morning routines as usual, have a hearty breakfast, and ride my bicycle to my parents' house.

I really don't see why I should let my fear of harassment control my life; Que sera, sera.

I know that healthy life is the key to happiness, nutrition and exercise and that, but I don't always feel like eating healthily or exercising. I will try harder.


My plans for Monday, June 15th - Sunday, June 28th

Monday, June 15th:
My ASPA worker will visit me at half past ten o’clock in the morning (10:30 am).
I will have a therapy appointment at quarter past noon (12:15 pm).
After that, I will go visit my mom, it will be her 65th birthday and she will retire from work. It’s also her payday, she will give me the monthly 80 euros which I will use to recharge my travel card.
After recharging my travel card, I will travel Helsinki. I will go see the movie Mad Max: Fury Road in Kinopalatsi movie theater at half past two o’clock in the afternoon (2:30 pm).
I will go to the gym in the evening.

Tuesday, June 16th:
I will pack for the journey to Kangasala; I will take a clean nightie, my Dosett, toothbrush, my laptop and the USB dongle, my diary, and enough clothes for a week, along with my gym clothes, and the book I usually read when visiting my grandmother, Syysprinssi (“Autumn prince”) by Anja Kauranen.

Wednesday, June 17th:
If my grandmother is healthy enough by now, I will go visit her for a week.
I will have to take the bus 39 to Kamppi, since I have my luggage along; normally I would walk to the Malminkartano train station and take the M train. I will buy a cold- smoked salmon bagel and a jar of Snapple pink lemonade for the journey.
I will take the Greyhound bus to Tampere, it leaves at five to four o’clock in the afternoon (3:55 pm) from Kamppi.
Once in Tampere, I will take the local bus to Kangasala, grandmother should be waiting for me.

Thursday, June 18th:
I will go to the local gym in Kangasala. I might also visit Tampere, go to cafes, art museums and thrift shops.

Friday, June 19th:
It will be Midsummer’s Eve, I don’t have any special plans yet.

Saturday, June 20th:
I will most likely stay at my grandmother’s, because it’s another boozing holiday.

Sunday, June 21st:
I will go to the gym.

Monday, June 22nd:
I will receive my monthly welfare. It will also be my second name day, since my second name is Pauliina.

Tuesday, June 23rd:
I will travel back home.

Wednesday, June 24th:
I will receive the weekly allowance. As soon as the bank is opened, I will go withdraw the money and then travel to Helsinki; I will go to Heluna shop and buy the vegan boots I have had my eye on for a while.
If I have money left, I will buy the necessary groceries.

Thursday, June 25th:
Nothing special yet.

Friday, June 26th:
As my last dentist appointment was canceled, I will have another today at Myyrmäki health center at twenty past noon (12:20 pm).

Saturday, June 27th:
I will do housework, and go to the gym.

Sunday, June 28th:
I will go visit my parents.

(no subject)

Last night when I went to bed, I took my cellphone and laptop along. I called the ASPA helpline and had a hearty talk. I also updated my journal until I found nothing to write about.

I turned off my laptop and wrote into my diary; "I should go to sleep", and fell asleep almost immediately after putting away my diary.

I woke up early in the morning because I needed to pee, so I went to the bathroom. I don't think I have ever peed that much!
I looked at the clock, it was half past two o'clock in the morning (2:30 am). I went back to sleep.

I had intriguing dreams, I don't know how to describe them but they were amazing.

I got up at three o'clock in the afternoon (3:00 pm), and felt good enough.

I put on my black & white Ramones hoodie and a pair of pink Hello Kitty fleece pants.
I anointed my face with lotion, and noticed that the corners of my mouth are chapping again.

I went to see my parents like every Sunday, so I took the bus 55 to Raappavuori.
Mom was going to Alepa to buy groceries, dad was cleaning windows and my brother was eating grapes.

I drank coffee, ate whatever food I could find, and later the day I took the bus 530 to Myyrmäki.

Once home, I felt anxious and stressed and the delusions bothered me, and I felt miserable because I didn't feel like doing housework.

I took two tranquilizers, it helped me calm down but also made me feel uneasy and fearful.
I took my evening medicine, ate a little supper and noticed that I am running out of food; which didn't bother me because I will receive money tomorrow, and I don't need to buy much food considering that I am going to be away from home for a week when I go see my grandmother. I will buy a liter of milk and a few pieces of fruit, and that'll do.

I feel alright now, eating a healthy snack and taking my medicine made me feel better. I also managed to brush my teeth, stretch and exercise, and I have to take a shower and anoint my skin with lotion, then I will go to bed.
  • Current Music
    Kimya Dawson - Everything's alright
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