July 5th, 2015


(no subject)

I think that my period is due, I have been suffering from PMS for two weeks now. It's always the same every month, the delusions get worse and I am moody and frustrated for no reason.

I slept without a nightie, and used a duvet cover instead of blanket, because it was too hot and humid.

I got up early to pee, it was about ten o'clock in the morning, my hair stood up like a chelsea haircut, and I went back to bed.

I had some intensely beautiful dreams, and it made me intensely unhappy when I woke up and realized that my life is a pisshole; the same boring and dull everyday life, anxieties, fears, neuroses, frustration...

In August, it will mark a decade since I lost my mind. I was severely depressed and haunted by delusions, but I still found astounding beauty everywhere. Nowadays I am, well, better off, I can actually take better care of myself; I take care of my finances, both domestic and personal hygiene, relationships, nutrition, exercise, and other things. I have many lovely friends like you, and I have actually become more aware of myself.

In spring 2014 I felt like I have finally achieved Nirvana, and the following spring I was suicidal and my doctor ordered me to double my Cipralex and Ketipinor dosage.

Anyway. After getting up, I didn't bother with the morning routines, I just took my morning medicine, dressed up, ate a banana and called my mother's cellphone, telling hir that I am coming over and can zie please give me 20 euros for groceries and medicine; I had ran out of anti- depressants and I could have afforded more, but the local pharmacy database still had old information about the dosage, they didn't know that the dosage was doubled in April, and they insisted that I still have half of the pills left. They also told me that I can buy another anti- depressant that has the same amount of escitalopram, but it was also twice as expensive.

I decided to walk to Raappavuori, despite the fact that I hadn't eaten much and my blood sugar would go low, and the heatwave and my PMS was making me mad as hell, but I managed.

My mother was home, zie gave me a bill of 20 euros, I hugged hir gently because I was drenched in sweat and my hair was so wet it had gone flat. Mom said that dad had gone for a jog, and later the day mom went grocery shopping. I decided to take a shower, and decided that I should buy some shampoo and toothpaste and other hygiene products of my own choice and bring them to my parents' home so I can use them.

Sami, my brother, came over for a visit. Then my mother came home, zie had brought blueberry pie, chocolate popsicles, and other good stuff. I made coffee and ate some of the amazing blueberry pie, but I also worried about my blood sugar.

I surfed on the Internet and wrote into my diary, and later the day decided to head home when my mother started grumbling.

I was thinking of taking the bus 530 to Myyrmäki, but the bus 453 arrived first and I couldn't resist visiting Helsinki.

Once in Helsinki, I realized that I had no business there, and besides I still had to go grocery shopping. I bought two iced lattes, and took the P train to Myyrmäki.

Myyrmanni shopping mall was just about to be closed, as it was about six o'clock in the evening. Nevertheless, I went to Citymarket and bought milk, butter, tangerines, bananas, and something else I probably forgot.

I went to the pharmacy, bought my anti- depressants and then went back home.

I still had housework to do; wash the dishes, scrub the bathroom, dust the carpet, swap the kitchen counter and the working desk, and so on. I decided to iron the laundry and do the rest of the housework tomorrow.
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