11th July 2015


Last night I managed to do all the evening routines; I had a healthy supper, took my evening medicine, brushed my teeth, took a shower, stretched and exercised, and I had managed to turn off my laptop in time, and I felt happy and proud of myself.

Unfortunately, this morning I didn't live as healthily; I slept all the way to two o'clock in the afternoon, I had many kind of pleasant dreams that turned into nightmares.

I felt miserable and uncomfortable when I finally got up. Most of the day was already spent so I didn't bother with any kind of routines, and despite that I knew I should have done housework as it was weekend again, I didn't bother with anything and felt even more miserable.

I was thinking of going to see my parents, I called my mother but zie didn't answer. I called my father and neither did zie.

I decided to go there anyway, I took the bus 51 to Martinlaakso and walked to Raappavuori. No one was home.

I made coffee, ate a little snack, tidied up the kitchen, and wrote into my diary. Later mom and dad came home, and they didn't seem to mind that I had come over again.
I told my mother I wouldn't visit tomorrow because I have visited enough times this week, and besides I still had to do housework.

I took the bus 530 to Myyrmäki, and went to Myyrmanni shopping center where I returned bottles and made enough change to buy a bar of soap.

Once home, I still felt miserable. Then my friend Elyseé called me, and asked if I want to go to Suomenlinna tomorrow, with hir and our friend Emjuso. I said yes, and we agreed that they are going to come over to my home tomorrow at two o'clock in the afternoon, and we'll go to Suomenlinna together. I was happy about that, they saved me from a boring weekend!
  • Current Mood: numb numb
  • Current Music: Portishead - Roads

I think there is something definitely wrong with me.

Every day I do nothing but try to hang on to the last thread of my sanity, and it's wearing me down.

I still remember the year 2006, how my mental illness was the worst and I still found enough energy to attend school every day and find happiness and beauty in the most trivial things.

I still remember last year, when I moved into my current apartment, and how astoundingly happy I felt. I felt like I have finally reached nirvana.¨

Now I feel rotten. I feel miserable, frustrated, bitter, jaded, and bored most of the time. I can't remember when was the last time I felt happy.