12th October 2015


Last night I had a dream about the memories of being bullied in grade school; it was the time in fourth grade when I was the only girl in the shop class, and I was bullied by the boys to the point where I started crying; the shop class teacher who usually was the most patient and kindest teacher in the whole school, got angry at me and locked me into the storage room.
Another dream was about junior high, when I was bullied for being a poindexter for getting the highest score on a test in English class.

In another dream I did the chores I was supposed to do today. In the dream it was winter, and I tried to walk through snowdrifts but I lost control of my legs and fell down and had to crawl forwards.

The dreams were mostly unhappy, but in one dream I was comforted by my friend Elyseé, it made me happy ♥

I got up at ten o’clock in the morning, this time I remembered to take my morning medicine. I dressed up and dabbed lotion on my face, I didn’t feel like doing the morning routines because after having bad dreams, I had kind of lost my motivation.

I wish I would have happy dreams for once, all I ever have are nightmares.

When I went out, the sun shone straight into my face and made me feel even worse. For some reason, my senses are very sensitive; different sights, smells, feelings and such might make me feel bad or good.

I went to visit the bank to open my piggy bank and take out the change. I had 6 euros and 25 cents.

I visited pharmacy to buy two of my prescription medicines, Ketipinor and Solian.
I also visited Citymarket to buy a can of fruit juice with lots of vitamins, and a box of chicken eggs. I use the juice to swallow my nutritional supplements, and I usually boil an egg or two for supper.

Once back home, I changed my clothes into lighter ones because my current ones were making me sweaty.
I was in an angry mood and didn’t even know why; I decided to eat a late breakfast so my blood sugar would be balanced.
It didn’t help, so I decided to take four Ketipinor pills in order to calm down. I use Ketipinor as a tranquilizer.

I calmed down so well that I got sleepy; I had to set my cellphone alarm to ring when it was time to go to the therapy session, then I took a catnap.

I took the I train to Helsinki. I was still feeling sleepy, and the delusions still bothered me, but seeing the sunny town made me feel nostalgic.

In Elielinaukio, I ran into my friend Tintti. She looked very cheerful, as she usually does. We talked about things and stuff, I told her I am on my way to therapy; she thanked me rapturously, and said that if I hadn’t told her about the therapy, she wouldn’t have remembered that she had a session at the psychiatric clinic today.
Then she had to leave, I walked to the subway station and took the subway to Kamppi.

Once in my therapist’s office, she seemed bewildered and told me that we were supposed to have the session tomorrow! I was about as bewildered, but didn’t mind.

I felt a bit down in the dumps, so I called my mother and asked her if it’s okay that I come over for a bit. She said it was okay, but she was heading to another hobby group.

I took the bus 421 to Raappavuori, once there I made coffee, ate cinnamon rolls, and wrote into my diary.
I took the bus 574 to Myyrmäki, once home I felt a bit better.

In the evening I visited Myyrmanni shopping center to visit my favorite shops, once back home I had supper, took my medicine, had a wash and went to sleep.

I wish I could find the reason to my constant anger, and destroy it.
Another thing I wish for is that I would feel better at home, that I didn’t always feel the need to escape it.
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