October 15th, 2015


(no subject)

I don’t know why, but I have been terribly angry and pissed off for no reason for the past few days. I don’t know the reason behind it; it’s not low blood sugar, because I have eaten well enough. It’s not PMS, because I had my period a week ago. I have also remembered to take my medication.
It’s just that the delusions have been bothering me more than usual, and that’s why I have been angry. It’s the delusions that control my feelings.
My therapist suggested that it could be my caffeine addiction, I have been without coffee for a couple of days. She also suggested acupuncture and other alternative New Age treatment.
I had to take tranquillizers to calm down; on Monday I took four of them and almost fell asleep on my feet, but I still felt angry. Yesterday when I came home from the therapy session, I fell asleep and had nasty dreams about maggots and flies.

I also had a dysphoria considering my clothes; I had worn Dirndl dresses for a week, so I felt like wearing something else. Pink- striped pyjama overalls looked ridiculous, my pink Zombie Girl shirt was so transparent you could see my brassiere, my green- striped dress was too short and the Mickey Mouse- patterned leggings also looked ridiculous.
I wish I had the guts to dress however I want, but considering that I grew up in a misogynistic society which taught me that women deserve to be harassed if they don’t make themselves invisible around men, and also my own paranoid mind-set.

This morning I woke up early, and I felt that today would be better than yesterday because I had received money. You can keep your Marxist ways, money makes me happy.

I got up, took my morning medicine and took a shower. I wore my dark blue Dirndl dress and a stripy blouse.

I logged in to my online bank account, I had received 100 euros. I knew that Kaija, the social worker who is responsible for my finances, has gone crazy again. It’s always the same; when I receive more than 80 euros a week, my mediation account soon goes below zero, and then I have to make do for 50 a week until it’s balanced, and then it’s me who gets the blame. I better call her tomorrow.

I didn’t feel like waiting for the bank to open, so I went to withdraw the money at a cash machine.

I went to Citymarket in Myyrmanni shopping center, and bought satsumas, tomatoes, milk, rye bread, toast, canned tuna, and also a pair of black Sloggi Maxi panties, a pair of black cotton tights, and two pairs of black brassieres.

Once back home, I put the groceries into the fridge and the underwear into the laundry basket.

Me and Suavecita had agreed to go to Helsinki today, I didn’t remember whether it was at noon or at one pm, but it was still early so I had enough time to wash two loads of laundry and also wash the dishes.

I took the I train to Helsinki, once there I decided to go to Kiasma and sit in the hall, writing into my diary. I called Suavecita and told her to come to Kiasma to meet me.

She arrived later, and we went to eat lunch in Lucha Loco. We took the tram number 10 to Erottaja, fortunately the restaurant wasn’t closed as it usually is when we go there.

We went to the taco buffet, I ate 8 tacos and Suavecita had 11. She gave me a Monster High necklace she had bought from a flea market. Thank you!

We walked to Garageland, I bought two pompom hairclips. Then we walked to Iso- Roba and visited a thrift shop, I found many lovely vintage dresses.

We walked along Freda and visited another thrift shop, but I didn’t find anything from there.

We visited Kamppi and went to Cybershop, where Suavecita bought me two of those “lock balls” or whatever they are called, the piercing ring in my right ear had lost them both.
We went to sit down on a bench, and Suavecita fastened the lock balls into the piercing ring. It all happened in a few seconds, I was amazed.

We visited a few more shops and then travelled to Vantaa on the P train, I got off at Martinlaakso because I was going to visit my parents to fetch the monthly allowance.
I didn’t feel like walking all the way to Raappavuori, so I took the bus 571 there even if there was only one bus stop between. I was already feeling tired.

Dad was home, I took the money and made a cup of coffee. Then I hugged and kissed dad and told him to take care.
I took the bus 565 to Myyrmäki, and went to Ärrä to load my travel card. I also went to the stationery shop to buy some cards.

Once back home, I was feeling a bit manic after having such a busy day, but I did the evening routines and took a warm shower, so I calmed down enough to go to sleep.

Tomorrow I will have an appointment with my nurse at the psychiatric clinic at two o’clock in the afternoon.

(no subject)

I don't know the reason behind it, but my sleeping pattern changed during the summer; I usually wake up about at 3 - 6 am, and have no problem getting up.
Of course, it's nothing I should complain about. I have always wanted to get up early without feeling drowsy.

This morning I got up at half past five o'clock, took my morning medicine, had a wash, dressed up, and immediately went to Ärrä to buy coffee and chocolate.
I walked past a skating hall which also serves as a hang out for young people, I noticed there were lights on and customers and workers inside. I went inside to ask about it, a waiter told me that they had this special occasion when the hall is opened during the night. OK.

I went back home, and managed to wash two loads of laundry, iron clothes, rearrange my closet, scrub the bathroom.

I was supposed to have an appointment with my nurse at the psychiatric clinic at two o'clock in the afternoon. It was half past eleven o'clock in the morning, and I was feeling so bored that I felt like chewing on my toenails for shits 'n giggles.

I did the same thing every single millenial does when facing trouble. I called my mom.

It took a while before she answered, she told me she was riding her bicycle. I apologized for bothering her and asked if I can come over, she said it was okay.

I took the bus 574 to Raappavuori, mom was home. She said I looked nice.

We made coffee, mom cut an apple- jam doughnut into half and we ate them together.

After mom left, I used her laptop to surf on the Internet, and decided to use LiveJournal. I was so caught up on my active life on ElJay, but I still remembered the appointment with my nurse.

I caught the bus 335 to Myyrmäki, and went to the psychiatric clinic.
I had a hearty talk with my nurse Saija, even if I mostly just whined about my relationship with my mom, my delusions, my poor motivation towards school and work.
We made a new appointment on October 30th.

I went back home to use the Internet, and later the day I decided to go to Girls' House again.
Once in Hakaniemi, I learned that Girls' House was closed for the autumn break. Bollocks!

I headed back to downtown Helsinki, and sat on a stair step in the subway station, just to see how many junkies and Hare Khrisnas and guys who spray- paint solar systems on the backs of plastic paper plates harass me.

I travelled back to Myyrmäki on a train, once back home I was feeling mania again. It took me three tranquillizers before I fell asleep.
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