October 25th, 2015


(no subject)

As I mentioned in my last entry, my friend Elyseé came over to my home for a sleepover. We had had a get- together at Pinky’s home, and we had had great fun with our friends and ate lots of treats.

I slept well, and had a dream about riding my bicycle in summer and feeling happy. It’s really frustrating to have those dreams, considering that my bicycle is a piece of crap and I can’t afford to fix it, and my dad always gets angry at me when I ask him to fix it. And besides, summers are so scorching hot that I sweat like a pig and get sunburned, and I never have enough blood sugar to ride my bicycle.

I got up at midday, took my morning medicine, washed my face and dressed up. Ever since I ran out of toothpaste, I have kind of lost my interest in having a wash every morning and evening.

Me and Elyseé left at the same time, she went home and I went to see my parents.
Once in the bus 571, I called my mom and asked her if I can come over, she said it was okay, and asked when I am coming. I told her I am already in the bus, and she made a noise that I couldn’t recognize whether it was a snort or a scoff.

Once at my parents’ home, mom was cleaning the bathroom and dad was reading a book.
I made coffee, ate a bit of dark chocolate that my father had bought, and ate a boxful of cherry tomatoes. I wondered how I was able to go to the gym today since I had already screwed up my blood sugar.

I decided to walk back to Myyrmäki, it was a lovely bright autumn day and the gorgeous colors made me feel happy.
I visited the Myyrmanni shopping center but I didn’t feel like staying long, I have visited that place plenty of times and I am getting sick of it.

Once back home, I washed three loads of laundry and managed to hoover and mop the visible part of the floor.

I went to the gym today, I walked on the treadmill for 20 minutes on the Manual setting and 4 minutes on the Cool Down setting. Then I tried most of the exercise machines, but I decided not to stay long. I could have stayed longer, but I just lost my interest.

Sometimes I think about things I could have accomplished, all the great memories I could have created, if I got over my “Naaahhh, I don’t wanna…” attitude.

Once back home, it was getting dark, but I decided to go visit my parents anyway, once again, I felt like time was going slow, and I didn’t feel like doing any more housework. I called my mom and asked her if I can come over, she said it was okay. Sometimes I wonder how she manages my constant visits.

I took the bus 571 to Raappavuori. Mom was surfing on the Internet and dad was having supper.
I made coffee, surfed on the Internet, talked to mom, and then took the bus 565 back to Myyrmäki.

Once home, it was too late to do housework, so I just took my evening medicine, surfed on the Internet, and later the evening I went to bed and took my laptop along.
I felt so bitter and jaded that I was actually amazed; do I really think like that? What happened to the happy little pixie I used to be?

I have tried to stay positive and optimistic, but sometimes I don’t feel like being a little tap- dancing ray of sunshine. I know that complaining is bad for your mental health, but sometimes I just need to blow out some steam. I should learn that negative things are a normal part of human life, just like positive things.

I hate it how I am always worried about my bodily health, mostly for the trivial sensations; today when I drank too much water, I felt like my blood was getting thinner in my veins and I felt a bubble in my throat.
I read from an article on Facebook that you should sleep on your left side because otherwise your gastric acid might enter your gullet from your stomach, and ever since I have tried to convince myself to sleep on my left side.

I wish I didn’t always feel the need to visit my parents every time I feel bad. I should learn to feel comfortable at my own apartment, it’s my home now.
Well, it’s good that I don’t feel like staying inside every single day, but I just hate it how I always feel sad about returning to my apartment, when I think about the desolation and loneliness inside it.

(no subject)

I had a really bad dream, a regular nightmare last night.
In the dream I was harassed by a man in a train station, I got a hold of a kitchen knife and stabbed him. He grabbed a samurai knife, and almost killed me.
I stabbed another man, and he came back to life and made fun of me.
In the same dream I also stabbed my father, my brother, and my favorite musician Joey Ramone to death, even if I love them all.
I woke up, spent about half an hour looking at the dark night sky, and wondering what the dream had meant.

I fell back asleep and had a dream where I entered my own personal hell, my old junior high where I was bullied every day.

I had an erotic nightmare about teenage boys in diapers, and throughout the dream I was conscious that I wondered if my cellphone would ring and I would wake up.

I got up and remembered to turn my clock to winter time or whatever it’s called in English.

I didn’t bother with morning routines or housework, I immediately went to see my parents. I remembered to take my bicycle along, my father had promised to fix it. The front wheel made a terrible rattling noise every time it spun.

Once at my parents’ home, I drank too much coffee and ate too much sugary treats.

Later the day I rode my bicycle back home. Once again, I didn’t bother with housework, I just went to the swimming pool.

Once back home, I didn’t bother with housework, I decided to go visit my parents again.
I called mom to ask if it was okay for me to visit again, she said okay and didn’t sound the slightest bit annoyed.
It was getting dark and it was raining, but I still caught the bus 571 to Raappavuori. Once in my parents’ home, I noticed that my brother was visiting.

I felt like I wanted to talk to my mom about my worries, but over the years I have learned not to tell my mom everything about my life, she would only get mad at me.

I went back home on the bus 565, once there it was too late to go anywhere so I decided to stay inside for the rest of the day.

I didn’t bother with housework, but I managed to wash a load of laundry, swab the kitchen counter, and scrub the toilet bowl.

I managed to brush my teeth and wash my face and also dab basic lotion on my skin. I still feel like I haven’t accomplished much today.

I have been terribly angry and bitter all day, I think it’s my PMS. About a week before my menses I get angry, and my delusions also get worse.

I called my mom and talked to her a bit, it made me feel better knowing that despite everything I have ever done, she still loves me.

My face muscles feel stiff. I feel as if my skin is dirty because I didn’t feel like washing today. I still have a great deal of housework to do.