23rd November 2015

redroses

Last night I had a dilemma; I was experiencing mania, should I take tranquillizers to help me sleep? But if I took tranquillizers, I would be in a complete zombie mode tomorrow.
Nevertheless, I swallowed five Ketipinor pills, I have been told I can use that brand of medicine as tranquillizers when needed.

I fell into a restful sleep, and slept till half past two o’clock in the afternoon, when my ASPA worker Kaarina called me and told me she’s going to be a bit late.

I got up and ate a little something found from my fridge, when Kaarina came over I dressed up and washed my face. I forgot to take my morning medicine.

We had a short talk and then I told Kaarina we should make a new appointment for next week, she commented how these appointments are always so short. I said I can’t help it.

I decided to go visit Girls’ House. There weren’t any buses to Helsinki leaving soon and I didn’t feel like taking the train, so I took the bus 560 to Mellunmäki, then the subway to Hakaniemi, and went to Girls’ House.

I drank a mug of cocoa, too bad it was that cheap powder that doesn’t liquefy too easily, but it was good anyway.

I was thinking if I should go to the gym today, after all today was a gym day.
I decided to go home. I wondered if I should walk to the city center and take the bus, that way I could see more landscapes that would make me happy. Instead, I decided to save time by taking a subway to the city center and then take the P train to Myyrmäki.

Once home, I ate a couple of sandwiches and drank a glass of milk. I tried calling Kaarina for a little support, but she didn’t answer. Then I tried calling my therapist, but she didn’t answer either. Then I called my mom, she talked to me for a while and assured me that it’s good to go to the gym so I will have something to do.

I know it’s not my fault for relying on other people, and it’s good to have some support sometimes. But I just feel ashamed about it.

I decided to head to the gym, while I was putting on my coat I felt my stomach churning, it was a psychosomatic pain.
I managed to go to the gym and have a decent workout, except that I felt terribly angry and moody because I had forgotten to take my morning medicine.

Once back home, I was feeling blue. I did the morning routines as usual, went back to bed, and the last thing I wrote into my diary was “Why can’t I be happy?”, hoping that tomorrow would be better.
  • Current Mood: nervous nervous
  • Current Music: Queen - Save me
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