1st December 2015

feellikealady

On the 1st day of December, my true love gave to me...

Last night I went to sleep about at half past seven o’clock. I had had a nice day even if the day didn’t feel nice because, well, it’s my usual psychotic depression that prevents me from seeing how amazing my own life is and how beautiful the world is.
I had had buttered flatbread with milk for supper, and I had taken my evening medicine, put on a clean nightie, and gone to bed; I hadn’t done housework or the evening routines, but I forgave myself.
I should realize that even the neurotypical people have hard days when they don’t feel like brushing their teeth or washing the dishes. But then again, I haven’t done that for almost a week now.

I slept quite well, but I woke up when it was still dark because I had a nightmare. I dreamed that I had been in a physical fight with a 15- year- old girl who looked like Nicki Minaj, whom I adore as a person.
Very often I have those kind of nightmares where I am being insulted or beaten up by other women. Usually it reminds me of my times in grade school where I got into fights, not because I was violent but because it was the only way for me to stand up for myself because the teachers didn’t bat an eye to help me.

I fell asleep again, and had nicer dreams. I had a dream about the cottage in Rautalampi, once again; those dreams have returned, and they’re much nicer these days. They’re not all “silent hill” anymore.

I didn’t feel like getting up because my bed felt so nice, but I also knew there was no point in sleeping all day. I was supposed to go see my mom, to get free coffee, and then go to the youth group, to get free cocoa.

I gathered all my energy and got up about at midday, took my morning medicine, put on clothes, and washed my face.

I called my mom and asked her if I can come over, she said yes. She also said she was going grocery shopping, and asked me if I want something. I asked for a small raspberry yoghurt chocolate bar, she said she already has one. Me and my mother both like raspberry yoghurt- filled chocolate.
I looked at the bus timetables and thought of taking the bus 565, but the bus 571 arrived first.

Once in Raappavuori, I asked mom if I can take a shower, she said yes and also advised me to use hair conditioner.

I took a shower, washed my hair (and used conditioner) and body, and that’s when the doorbell rang. I wondered if I should go answer it, but then again, I was covered in foam and it wasn’t my door I was answering. When I came out of the bathroom, mom was putting on her coat and told me not to answer the door, you never know if there’s a junkie or a drunkie or whatever there might be.

I used lotion on my skin, borrowed some face cream from my mother, and blow- dried my hair.
I drank coffee and orange juice, ate doughnuts and cherry tomatoes.

Mom came home, she made lunch and washed the dishes.
When I heard her cursing out loud in kitchen, I took it as a warning sign and decided to leave. By then she had calmed down and started knitting, she’s working on a Finnish Red Cross project where she knits blankets for the poor.
I kissed and hugged her, told her I love her (and she actually told me she loves me too) and told her to have a nice day and take care and say hello to dad once he comes back home from work.

I decided to walk to Myyrmäki, as it was such a blessed weather, there was a slight sunshine.
I also decided to visit the art museum, and then I went to a cash point to check out my balance. And what do you know, I had already received the weekly allowance I was supposed to receive tomorrow. I hoped this was the same kind of pleasant mistake that happened before Halloween, I had received 80 euros twice a week, so I better check my balance tomorrow as well.
My account had already been 3,99 € below zero because of the use charge, so I had less than 80 euros. I withdrew 70 euros, bought the necessary groceries, and also a My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic advent calendar.

Once back home, I put the groceries to their rightful places and drank a couple of iced lattes. Then I opened the first, um, I don’t know what the small “doors” on the cardboard advent calendars are called in English, but anywayz, I found a small note pad. It’s not big enough to use as a diary, but I might find something to use it for.

It was getting late so I decided not to surf on Facebook because of all the triggering material, so I wouldn’t cause myself a mania again. I decided to head to the shopping center.

I bought an iced latte, and just hung around feeling bored. I decided to commit a desperate act, that is, go to Helsinki even if it was past six o’clock already. I don’t usually go out after six o’clock in the evening, because I want to “calm down” before bedtime. And besides, now that dusk falls early, I’m afraid of the things that go bump in the night.

I took the bus 411 to Helsinki, and went to BodyShop to look for hair conditioner and face cream. Then I went to Ruohonjuuri and asked a shop assistant if I can use Urtekram Chamomile conditioner, originally meant for blonde hair, if I don’t have bleached hair. She said yes, I might buy it but I also want to buy something my not- blonde friends can use if they take a shower at my place.

I visited a supermarket in Kamppi shopping center to buy some crisps, they were out of salt & vinegar flavoured ones so I bought a bag of au naturel crisps. I also bought four boxes of biodegradable sanitary pads, because my period is soon due.

I took the P train to Myyrmäki, I thought I had forgotten to take my diary along but what do you know, it was in my backpack.

I called Elyseé and we talked about Xmas and our forthcoming birthdays, we agreed to go to Heidi’s Xmas party together with Suavecita.
Elyseé asked me if I wanted to come to Pinky’s place tomorrow with Emjuso, I said yes.

Once back home, I put the purchases to their rightful places, took my evening medicine, and started writing today’s entry. I should also continue updating my other blogs; DreamWidth, Blogspot, Wordpress, Tumblr, and also my Finnish ones.

I have decided to use my renegade journal ruusupuska as my Finnish journal.
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