December 24th, 2015


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Yesterday my mother fixed the Xmas lights into my window; it’s a plastic frame in the shape of a sideways angel holding a candle, and it’s illuminated by small white fairy lights with an orange one in the candle, and it’s fastened into the window of my room by a suction cup. I have had the same lights ever since I was an angsty teenager, I used to imagine it’s my guardian angel. But I hated when the suction cup lost its hold and the frame fell to the floor with a huge clatter and scared the heebie- jeebies out of me.

I had really bad dreams, I woke up early after having a dream where I went to school and one of the girls made fun of me. I have those kind of dreams very often where I am being made fun of by another female, and it makes me feel awful.

When it was still dark, I heard my mother yell “Miia, come here!” and then I realized that I had heard it in a dream. It wasn’t exactly one of my schizophrenic delusions, I can tell the difference between reality and delusions.

I decided to get up when my parents had already got up as well, so I wouldn’t bother them.
I took my morning medicine, brushed my teeth, washed my face, and when I was putting on underwear I noticed that I had forgotten to take along the disposable Libresse panty- liners I use frequently. I really should buy the liners made of cloth from the eco- market, I really need them; I already bought a Mooncup to use when I am menstruating.

I put on the green lace dress, which is actually more of a pine green instead of emerald green.
I also put on some jewellery; the birthstone necklace I had bought a while ago, and a pair of silver- plated earrings in the shape of snowflake.
I was glad that the piercing holes in my earlobes hadn’t closed up yet, despite that I haven’t worn earrings for a while. Ever since autumn came and the weather became colder, I couldn’t wear earrings while wearing a scarf around my neck because then the earrings would have gotten caught in the scarf and be torn off.
Speaking of piercings, when the shops are opened again I am going to visit Cybershop in Kamppi shopping center and buy a new “horseshoe” and ask Suavecita to put it into my ear; one of the piercing rings, the one in the second hole of my right earlobe, and I need to get a new one. Suavecita has very nimble fingers, she can put it into my ear with no trouble.
My mother practically chirped that I look beautiful, she also combed my hair princess pretty ~*

Mom sent me to Alepa, the only grocery shop near my parents’ home that is also open on holidays, to buy a box of butter. After I came home she had to go to the same shop to buy toilet paper and household paper, so there was a lot of hustle and bustle around my parents’ home in preparation for Xmas.

Dad came home from the gym, he gave me a note of 50 euros and told me it’s an Xmas present from her mother who is mine and Sami’s grandmother, the same whom I visited this year. I am planning to visit her again in February.
I wondered why grandmummy didn’t deposit the money into my bank account as she usually does, but I didn’t mind, at least I had it in cash. Now I can both buy the 80’s Marimekko dress from Salvation Army, and go see the movie Onnelin ja Annelin talvi, and also buy the new piercing ring. I also need to buy the “Iggy is my Grandpa” shirt from UrbanEars before it’s closed at the turn of the year.

I wondered where my brother was, mom had told me that he was going to visit before noon but I started wondering about it when it was well over three o’clock in the afternoon. I wondered if he was drunk, or hungover, or having a panic attack.
Later the day he arrived, looking like he was alright but he smelled a bit stuffy, like a wet dog.

In the afternoon when the sun was still shining, we all packed into the car and dad drove us to Hietaniemi cemetery where my mother’s parents are buried in the grove meant for war veterans and their spouses.
There were lots of people around, mom commented that it’s more than last year. I saw a man in a Santa hat and a woman in pink fluffy earmuffs.
Mom lit the candle with my brother’s help, I said solemnly “There are grandpa and grandma resting in the bosom of the earth” as I always do when we visit their grave.

Dad drove us home, there was full moon and a gorgeous sunset.
Once home, I helped mom set the kitchen table for the Xmas feast.
I ate cold- smoked salmon, salmon rue, brie cheese, blue cheese, boiled potatoes, boiled peas, and also tried a new treat I helped mom make; cocktail sticks with pickled onions and olives and small gherkins. When mom ran out of olives, she told me to use slices of satsumas.
I used to hate gherkins, I learned they don’t taste too bad but also I wouldn’t eat many of them in a row.

After the feast, we had coffee and plum tarts, and I watched Xmas cartoons with mom and ate chocolate confections.

To be honest, I wish we had agreed to buy gifts for each other this year. I would have loved to buy gifts for my parents and brother; for my mom I would have bought a pair of cute pastel- coloured fluffy socks, and a small jar of luxurious face cream from BodyShop.
For my dad I would have bought a Sudoku book, a bottle of shower gel from LUSH, and as for my brother, I would have bought gloves and socks to keep his poor hands and feet warm, and perhaps something nerdy he likes, such as Star Wars merchandise.
As for myself, I would have bought a wall calendar for the next year, which I have actually bought already.

Tomorrow I will most likely go for a long walk, there’s nothing else to do on a holiday.
I asked my mom about it, she said it’s okay if I go to my own home tomorrow. To be honest, I had started to miss my own little nest.
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