Last night I stayed awake for many hours into the night, I was feeling mania but in a good way because it inspired me to write a lot, and then drove me into a crisis because I didn’t know where to write it; into my diary with my tired achy hands, or into my Finnish blog with whom I have a complicated relationship?
And also, all the hateful content I saw on Facebook and Tumblr triggered me.
I tried calling my ASPA worker Kaarina, but she had an answering machine on. I left her a message and asked her politely to call me as soon as possible. Then I tried calling the national crisis hotline, a recorded message announced that all of the volunteers were busy, please call later, beep. Then I swallowed my pride and called the helpline which is supported by the Evangle- Lutheran church, no one answered. I left another message for Kaarina, and then I went to take a comforting warm shower, but it only made my eczema itch. I felt completely soaked, like a dishrag in a bucket.
I decided to turn off my laptop and go to bed. I turned off the lamp on my bedside table, put my head on my pillow, closed my eyes and took a couple of deep breaths. I cuddled with my teddy bear, and managed to fall asleep.
I woke up when it was still dark outside, and looked at the time on my smartphone. It was quarter past six o’clock in the morning, at first I had thought it would have been something like two or three o’clock in the morning.
My smartphone’s alarm clock woke me up at nine o’clock, I snoozed for ten minutes to gather my thoughts.
I used my smartphone to log in to the online bank service, and noticed that I had received 80 euros from the social office. I wondered why I didn’t receive it on Tuesday, since Wednesday was a bank holiday. Oh well, at least I had received it.
I fell back asleep and had dreams about being the 13th Doctor and visiting a temple on the planet Gallifrey; there were icons and stained glass paintings of the previous Doctors, and there were golden speckles floating in the air like someone had regenerated. When I exited the temple, there were Time Lords, Time Ladies, and Time Tots greeting me like I was their new Messiah. I felt worried about how am I going to turn out as a Messiah.
Then I had a dream about the cottage in Rautalampi; I walked on the motorway which goes past (déjà vu!) the cottage, trying to gather enough courage to enter the yard. I knew that another family lived in the cottage by now, and I didn’t want to disturb them.
The dream went on, I was in the living room of the cottage, it looked a bit different than it had been in real life. And then I was outside, walking or actually floating past other cottages, desiring to go downtown to the small village called Rautalampi.
Then I was back in the woods, I was in this small outdoor theatre where I looked at old punky art.
Then I had a dream where I was in my former apartment in Kilterinrinne. I hated living there, but in the dream I felt happy. And when I finally awoke, it took me a while to realize that I was at my current home.
I got up again approximately at one o’clock in the afternoon. I went to the bathroom, while sitting on the bog peeing, I combed my hair and dabbed lotion on my face. I didn’t bother with having a wash.
I dressed into the same outfit I wear when I don’t know what else to wear; a pair of pink Hello Kitty pyjama pants and a black & white The Ramones sweater. I also put a Queen Elsa necklace.
I turned on my laptop and logged in to the online bank service to pay a bill. Then I went out to withdraw the rest of the money and buy my favorite snacks from Citymarket; Marabou Japp fudge chocolate and Frezza Mocca coffee.
Today there was going to be a hobby group in the ASPA office, so I took the P train to Tikkurila and went to the aforementioned place. Once there, I was told that most of the Aspanians had declined because it was too cold to go outside.
So it was just me and the counsellor. We had a nice time, first we made coffee and tea, then we just talked about stuff while I knitted and she crocheted.
The hobby group lasted till four o’clock in the afternoon, after that I decided to go to Helsinki.
I walked to the bus station and caught the bus 611 to Elielinaukio. On my way there I realized I had gotten my period (whew, finally!) because my belly and tights were hurting and I felt something damp in my panties.
Once in the Central Railway Station, I noticed that to use the public restroom, you needed to insert a euro coin. I had to break a twenty-euro bill into twenty euro coins, but I didn’t let it bother me.
Once in the bathroom, I whipped out my keeper, eager to try it for the first time. I folded it and tried to insert it into my coochie, but it hurt! I knew I should have relaxed, but my vagina is naturally tight, I can barely fit a finger there. Also my misshaped pubic bone might have something to do with it.
I managed to insert it, but I didn’t know if it had sprung back into shape.
I took the subway to Kamppi and visited the eco- market Ruohonjuuri to buy a Humble Brush toothbrush and a tube of toothpaste. I also wanted to buy floor soap and scentless laundry detergent, but I had a budget to consider.
I felt hungry so I went to Kamppi shopping center to visit Arnold’s, but I noticed that it was replaced by Starbucks. I thought that there’s another Arnold’s in the subway station, so I walked through Forum shopping center through the underground pathway that connects those two shopping centers to the subway station.
Once in Forum shopping center, I realized that there’s another Arnold’s coffee and bakery shop in the aforementioned place, so I went there and bought a cold- smoked salmon bagel.
I saw a girl with exactly the same “4th Doctor” neck scarf I have swooned over for a while now.
I took the P train to Myyrmäki, and visited Hennes & Mauritz to buy a hairband with a plush teddy bear head, and also some gifts for my friend Alene, to whom I am constructing a package.
Once back home, I changed the keeper into a biodegradable sanitary pad and decided to try again tomorrow.
I started feeling the nightly crisis again. I called the national helpline and it made me feel better.