February 20th, 2016


(no subject)

On Friday I felt melancholy from the morning to evening. I don’t know why, nothing bad had happened. I really don’t see which way my emotions are going and where they are taking me.
I managed to take a shower and go to visit my parents’ home. I ended up staying till evening, writing into my diary. Writing helps me a lot.

I went home, took my evening medicine and fell straight to the bed.

I had dreams about the contemporary art museum Kiasma on a late summer evening, going to school and feeling bad about going to school, the Monty Python musical sketch Every Sperm is Sacred, and something else.

I slept all the way to half past two o’clock in the afternoon, and got up to take my morning medicine and put on clothes.

I went to the shopping center to buy some chocolate, then I went back home.

I went to bed to take a nap, but I was awake for most of the time. I had all kinds of nice visions about celebrating Easter, visiting art museums and doing housework; then I decided it would be nice to actually do housework, so I got up and started doing it.

I swabbed the writing desk and kitchen counter, scrubbed the toilet bowl, took out the recycling, rolled up the carpet and throw rugs and took them to the balcony for the night to have them aired, along with my mattress, pillow and blanket. I am sleeping on the sofa- bed tonight.
I hoovered and mopped the visible part of the floor, and washed a load of laundry.

I was amazed how much work I could do when I put my heart into it, even if yesterday I had feared the looming Saturday, because it meant housework.

For some reason, I felt completely pissed off, moody and almost raving mad, and it scared me. Normally I feel this angry when I have PMS, except that according to my calendar, my period isn’t due yet. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I’m scared that I will do something bad.

Tomorrow I will go visit my parents, they will return from their journey to the Canary Islands tonight.

Now I don’t feel so angry anymore, but I feel somehow frustrated. I don’t know the reason, but it feels like I have had too much caffeine. Which is probably not the reason because I haven’t drunk any caffeinated coffee today.

Tomorrow I am doing the rest of the housework; I will hoover and mop the floor under the furniture, take out the trash, scrub the rest of the bathroom, take the mattress and carpet out for dusting, and put fresh bedsheets into my bed after that.

I really don’t see why I feel so bad almost all the time. Nothing bad has happened, I have enough food and a cosy apartment and a working toilet and all kinds of nice things.
I guess it’s just my mental illness, I am diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. And I also torture myself by not taking better care of my nutrition, exercise, sleep, and so on. I spend most of my days surfing on the Internet, eating chocolate and drinking coffee.
I always decide to take better care of myself, but it’s always easier said than done.
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